How to Stay Grounded!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2005
How to Stay Grounded!!
8
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 3:46pm

Well I was reading a few posts and I saw a post from a reader (Sheri) asking "how can we stay grounded" especially during times where there is a serious connection with the guy! It's so easy to stay focus -- follow the rules (so to speak) when our emotions are not out of control, but you know how it is when you have met the guy who gives you butterflies in your stomach and seemingly is doing everything right (calling, making dates, etc).

So, any ideas guys and gals??

P.S. Sheri, didn't mean to "steal" your question, but seemed like a good post!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 4:27pm

Well, I have met two great connection guys at once (rare, I know) – so the first great connection guy and I met last Thursday (over a week ago) and we’re going out for date two on Saturday – all the while I had a date last night (no one I will see again) and another great connection guy Sunday I have a date with. I never think about when I will see or hear from them again.

Trust me, I used to gush and ah and hem over every little nice thing a guy did for me and a friend said STOP, it should be expected so when you meet not so nice guys and then a nice one pops up you make it MORE then it actually is (some truth in that) then I tend to overlook the red flags.

Sundays date/guy text me while away on Biz and wrote a bit (very sweet what he wrote but...)and I replied with a one liner. In my opinion too soon for talking so frequently early on so I set the pace so to speak and they follow my lead. I was brief with my response not to encourage more dialogue. Plus, I have been burned a lot, coupled with a few lectures from friends, I’m done, I’m living my life and I’m not cynical but even if things are great I just KNOW that these guys could be dif’t a month from now, heck, more than likely I may be writing about other guys. That’s how I personally do it.

I want to see their actions, not words. Just because you have some long romantic dinners and great philosophical chats (although lovely, don’t get me wrong) that isn’t the HEART of a relationship, the HEART is when you get into you first disagreement (once the NEWNESS wears off so to speak), see how they live, what they do in their free time once your comfortable, how they treat you, family, friends etc. and in the future when in crisis not just good times.....lots to learn and as I said, no short cuts to that. I’m not saying not to enjoy the butterflies and romance, yes, do as do I but keep in the back of your head all of this so there is no let down.

Usually when you reveal too much too soon it creates false intimacy and a month or two down the road when the guy or gal freaks they start to question things (patterns start to change, phone calls are less, romantic gestures aren’t like they were, he or she is more critical or changes) because of the intensity and may back off now again their are exceptions to every rule ok...this is for ME not YOU, ha. I’m done with the heart (logic vs. emotions) – it’s gotten me nowhere so I’m using my head first, heart second.

SP

 
 
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 4:29pm

No worries ;-)!

A few guidelines that I try to follow...I kind of mix and match, depending on the specifics of the situation:

1. If he's on my mind a lot and I find myself future-tripping (fantasizing) about our budding relationship, I will remind myself, 100 times a day if necessary, "it's early yet. Yes, he *seems* great, but time will tell".

2. No dates that involve going to one another's homes (so that I'm not as tempted to get carried away physically).

3. Don't talk/email every day. If he's calling/emailing every day, wait a day to call/email back.

4. Keep meeting/dating other guys.

5. Don't see each other more than 1-2 times a week for the first couple weeks, then maybe 2-3 times per week after that.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 4:33pm

Hi There,

I don't think there is anything you can do to stay grounded. I think you should just enjoy the ride rather then expend too much energy fighting the inevitable. At least at the end of the day you can say you gave it your all and didn't hold back.

GM

We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 11:02pm

I like Sheri's term "future tripping."

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Sat, 09-24-2005 - 7:08pm

For me, whether it's getting mired in the frantic "future-tripping" of a new relationship (hooray, Sheri, for a fabulous phrase!!) or agonizing over a painful breakup, volunteering helps.

If I spend an few hours cleaning kennels at the Humane Society, walking some of the dogs, playing with the kittens, I genuinely don't even THINK about my own little dramas during that time.

It helps me much more than time spent with friends and family, which is often spent talking about the fledgling love interest or the ship that just sailed. The beasts just don't care about your broken heart or whether he's going to call, they just love you anyway!

Tracy

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-24-2005 - 9:22pm

Wish I could take credit but I'm pretty sure it's something I heard in AA...you know, the whole "stay in the moment" thingie ;-).

I should really do some volunteering with animal groups...most of my volunteering has been with kids (tutoring) or women/families in crisis (YWCA) and that sounds like a nice change of pace...not that the other isn't great, but it can be exhausting!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2005
Sun, 09-25-2005 - 5:22pm

Yes, I'm thinking the same thing. And we have a lovely facility not far from here. But is it hard emotionally? I mean don't you get attached to the animals and then when they don't find homes..... I'm afraid I would end up being one of those old ladies with 35 cats and a rocking chair! (I might anyway the way my dating life's been going lately! ;o)

P.S. - I also love the expression, "future-tripping"! It just sums it up perfectly!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Sun, 09-25-2005 - 8:42pm

Debbie and Sheri -

It IS hard emotionally at the shelter; in fact when I was married I lived in a big house in the country and always wanted to volunteer, but knew I'd end up with a houseful. Now that I live in an apartment where I'm allowed one cat (I have two ;-) THAT part of it -- wanting to take home all the beasts -- is easier because I just CAN'T.

The shelter that I'm at is a no time limit shelter; as long as the animals are healthy and adoptable, they have a home there. Most of the rescues are cruelty and neglect cases; the healthy strays go another shelter that has a three day adoption time limit before being euthanized -- THAT I could never do. With some of the animals that come in, it is especially challenging to realize how stupid and innately mean some people can be and how little they understand about the basic care of a living creature. I shudder to think that some of them probably have a houseful of kids, too.

The thing that makes it tolerable is the unbelievable trust and joy these animals still possess, despite what they've been through. I'm not joking when I say it totally makes you forget your own little dramas... their resilience and unconditional acceptance of you and your kindness is indeed inspiring.

When I signed on, I told myself "you can't save them all", but I have to believe that even the little bit that I do -- cleaning kennels, washing dishes and bedding, walking a dog, planning a fundraiser -- makes a difference. And really, it's about what THEY do for ME.

I did get very attached to one Chow named Paco; he got me through a very painful breakup and when he was adopted I was thrilled, but devastated. He went to a home with three other Chows so you knew the people were going to give him a lot of love. I wanted to go visit him, but apparently, that's a no-no...!! ;-)

Anyway, long post, but I do encourage you guys to try it. My brother is the president of a charity for children with cancer (he's a pediatric oncologist) and I spent some time helping them with some fundraisers, and it was rewarding, but too hands-off for me. With the animals, you're right there, actually involved with THEM.

Let me know if you guys end up doing it!!

Tracy