How would you handle this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
How would you handle this?
10
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 5:44pm

I got so sick of the same faces on Match and Yahoo (some more than 5 years now) that I posted an ad on Craigslist. My opening line was "I couldn't find an ad I wanted to answer, so I'm writing my own."

I got 6 replies within 12 hours, so far so good. The first and best came from a really articulate guy who is fabulous on paper -- witty, educated, with many of the same interests, very smart (the top item on my list), and in the right age group.

My problem is, and I don't know how to say this without sounding like a bigot, that I'm white and he's black. He said in his first email that he was mixed black/italian/cherokee, so it wasn't a huge shock, but it didn't really hit me till I saw his photo. He has seen mine, so he knows I am white.

Now I am a dyed in the wool liberal and I hope I do not have a racist bone in my body. But I have never dated anyone of another race and am not sure I would really be attracted to him -- I feel compelled to say, I'm not attracted to redheads, either. On the other hand, I have met people I was not attracted to until I got to know them, including the 28-year-old guy I'm still seeing occasionally.

Am I a total hypocrite? what would you all do? any advice?

HELP!

Sposa

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 5:55pm

Well, I tend to be MORE attracted to men of color/different ethnicities, so for me, I have the opposite "problem" (I say that in quotes because I don't really see it as a problem)...I'm not really attracted to your average Caucasian guy (although there are certainly some I find attractive and I date men of all races and ethnicities). It has nothing to do with race or ethnicity, per se, just what I find attractive.

So if you don't find him attractive, you don't...I wouldn't worry about the fact that he is mixed race.

But if you DO find him at least somewhat attractive (I couldn't quite tell from your post if you do or not), then I would urge you to at least meet him.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 6:15pm
I say meet him and see. You are open minded in general and you never know unless you give it a shot. I too am liberal and try not to have prejudices but also don't happen to find non-white men (as a rule) physically attractive. However there are always exceptions!

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 6:57pm

I think it's not

Photobucket


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 9:36am

We like what we like, that is who we are.
I am a black african woman who will only date white professional men.

I am not racist either. Its not what you prefer, but why you prefer it, that makes you a bigot or not.
I like bald men, I like intellectual types, its just part of the unique tapestry of our heart's desires.

Dont sweat it.

Just go for what you want, in my opinion leave the experimentation. it usually does not pan out.




Edited 12/29/2005 9:38 am ET by dvlmaycare
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 9:40am
Yep! Don't knock it till you tried it! =)
I am a white woman who never thought she would be attracted to black men, but after the first one.... woohoo let me just tell you it was great! The relationship that is, and the sex well I cannot complain. I love black men now, and have been converted over to the other side! LOL! I prefer them, and that's what I date now. But that is me....
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 11:44am
I think it does not matter whether the guy is black or white. Try to ignore that fact and give him a chance. Put some pressure on him in a conversation you share to see if you two are compatible and if the relationship would work. If he acts like a total "I just want to touch you, kiss you, get you into bed" then it is definatelly not worth it. Now if he goes on into a deeper subject with you and shares personal information with you, then go for it. It is not often you find a guy that wants to just talk over coffee. But it is your decision in the end. Rethink all of your options before you jump into the conclusion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 11:59am

No you're not a hypocrite, just not experienced with anyone outside your race. If you like him thus far, I say give it a chance. Meet him, see if there's any attraction and go from there.


As others said, you like what you like... but personally I would give it one shot.



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 1:19pm

Not a racist or being a hypocrite. I'm a black woman and prefer to date black men. Most of the responses I get online are from Caucasian men -- totally not interested. I normally don't reply and they get the message. Of course, since meeting quality black men has been an issue, I've lately been a bit more receptive to possibly chatting or meeting a Caucasian man, but I truly haven't made the effort. Also, the majority have been married -- go figure!!!

Bottom line, we like what we like. Don't sweat it!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 4:14pm
It's not being hypocritical or demeaning your liberal stand just because you have reservations about dating this guy. Like it or not, the race issue is an obstacle if you are white and he is black--even partly black. In a bigger city, most people don't notice or care about a mixed relationship, but where I live in smalltown USA, it would be enough to deter me from dating a black guy. I work with minority students on a daily basis, so I have nothing against them, but that doesn't mean that I want to date outside my race. It is a comfort zone, and you'd be foolish not to consider giving it some thought. Even if you had no second thoughts about it, you would be wise to consider if you could take the heat from others who might be judgemental. How would your parents feel? Your friends? And while it's not your family or friends who are dating him, you do have to deal with their biases and comments if they are inclined to make any. It's a road I'm not willing to travel. That's why I put criteria on the race section on some of the sites. I don't want matches with black guys I would not want to date. For other people, I'm sure it works fine, but I could not deal with the negative comments I might get.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 10:36pm

Just wanted to respond to something you said...


<<In a bigger city, most people don't notice or care about a mixed relationship, but where I live in smalltown USA, it would be enough to deter me from dating a black guy.>>


I live in one of the biggest cities in the world--New York! Yet, I have been run off a block because of my color (white) and b/c I was dating someone outside of my race, I've been yelled at and been told to stop stealing black men and have been told that I'm the devil b/c I was with a guy who was not white. One particular time