How would you take this comment??

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
How would you take this comment??
22
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 10:42am

I have been dating a guy for a little while. I have a girlfriend who is quite beautiful. As many of my girlfriends are. Anyway....I helped her get away from her abusive boyfriend recently. I have been sharing this experience with him. The other night...we were discussing that she is so sick of men....she admitted to me that she has no desire to date again (due to the recent circumstances...understandably so)!!! He then goes to say...."Well I would never be able to get a girl like her anyway!"

I became livid for so many reasons!!! I honestly have no desire to see him again. Do you feel I am over reacting?

I definitely told him how I felt about his rude comment, however he only dug himself deeper in my opinion.

Jodie

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 12:44pm

I wouldn’t break up with him over this. What he said was insensitive, immature and was obviously said with a knee jerk reaction (think before you speak). We’re human – sometimes we put our foot in our mouth.

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 12:52pm

Ouch!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 12:13pm

>>Do you feel I am over reacting?<<

Yes, I do. And despite the fact that you say it's not a jealous thing, it's at least partly based on jealousy- after all, you yourself know and realize that your friend is really gorgeous.

Was your bf really stupid and rude and insulting? Yeah, pretty much. But if you're going to react to the point of "never wanting to see him again", well, your relationship with him must be built on a foundation of quicksand; a good, strong, healthy, *right* relationship is going to be based on tougher stuff and be able to handle a comment like that.

There's a few basic lessons here for both you and your boyfriend.

He needs to learn a few things... that the "quality" of a woman isn't based solely upon her looks, or even mostly upon her looks. And more importantly, who women are attracted to can and probably will frequently amaze other guys- even though I've seen it time and time again, I can't believe how many nice, caring, loving, gorgeous, kind women wind up with abusive jerks.

He needs to learn that something like that is better thought but not said. He needs to learn that dating a hottie might not be all it's cracked up to be- I am sure that your friend, while a nice gal, has some serious issues (or else why would she have been putting up with an abusive jerk?) to deal with.

Finally, he needs to learn that when he's in a relationship with someone (ie, you), he has to act as though it's the last relationship he'll ever be in for the rest of his life. While this is highly unlikely, it's still how he's got to act, even if you guys haven't made plans for marriage and so forth. If he says/does anything else, it's going to tick off the person (you) he's with now. That's just how it goes.

What do you need to learn, IMO? You need to learn that men are just sometimes pigs! They think that the "hotness" level of the woman they can "get" has more to do with how they look, how much money they make, what kind of bitchin' car they drive, etc.

(Where do you think all those crummy ads by guys saying "I make $XXXXXXX and drive a Porsche and blah blah blah come from, anyway? Guys think this for a couple of reasons- one, they see hot chicks with abusive jerks and figure that the hottie must be with the guy for SOME reason- maybe it's his money/stuff/looks. Also, advertising does a marvelous job of telling men that if they have the "right stuff", they'll get hot chicks.)

You need to learn that what your bf thinks about other women is NOT necessarily part of YOUR relationship *with him*. Does he respect YOU? Does he care for YOU? Sure, he might say something really blindingly stupid once in a while... but what he said, in his mind, WASN'T ABOUT YOU. It was about her, not you.

You need to learn that men are going to react to your friend like that. It's just how it is. Even a guy who really loves you is going to notice, on some level, hot women. Men are visually driven and that's how it goes, and if you're lucky you'll get a guy who's able to control it and not say something about it.

There are positives you can draw from this. At least he was comfortable enough with you, and honest enough, to speak his mind. Sure, his mind was dumb. He's a guy!

I'd also wonder- what could he have possibly said that wouldn't have "dug himself in deeper"? I really doubt anything at all would have mollified you at that point.

Finally... food for thought. If you're going to base your happiness on what OTHER people say/think/do, you're giving them the power to control your life. I would challenge you (as I daily challenge myself) to try and think of this: We are in control of our own feelings. It is up to US how we react to external stimuli.

Does this mean we should put up with horrendous behavior/words from people? Of course not- if we can, we should remove ourselves from that kind of situation. But ultimately if we place the power of controlling us with others, we're going to continue to feel crappy from time to time, even if it's just on accident.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 12:30pm

Going off on a tangent here - your story, vexer, reminded me of something I went through when I was younger....


I used to have a friend whose longtime boyfriend used to CONSTANTLY make comments about my chest.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 1:32pm
My best friend's ex-husband used to behave inappropriately as well. Sounds like your friend's husband actually. It wound up that he cheated on her and left her penniless with two small children. :(

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 1:59pm

I'm usually not the devils advocate
but, could it be that there is some
aspect of this girls personality which
makes her unattainable to him? I know
she dated an abuser but maybe he sees
her as high maintenance? I know it's
a long shot especially, considering
that you indicated he dug himself in
deeper, but ... I thought I'd try!!

Anyway, my feelings would have been
hurt, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2005
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 2:01pm

The answer to him at that point would have been "thank YOU Johnny Depp" and when the guy feels like a schmuck for comment, just roll your eyes, shake your head slightly to indicate that you understand that men are inherently, for the most part, oh, how do I say this...STUPID?

And if you let them know they can get to you with remarks like that, you're done for.

Shake it off and move on from it if you like him. No need to dump him for one stupid remark.

I, of course, would have gone roaring out of the driveway and disappeared for a few days whilst treating myself to a weekend of blissful solitude at some hotel.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 12:58pm

NGOL Said "He needs to learn that dating a hottie might not be all it's cracked up to be- I am sure that your friend, while a nice gal, has some serious issues"

In my humble and honest opinion.....he is already dating a HOTTIE!!!

Jodie

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 1:13pm

Touche!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 1:17pm
I'll vouch for that!!