I am a horrible person

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2005
I am a horrible person
22
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 2:18pm

Hello everyone...

I am in need of some advice please...

First some background on me. I am 23 years old. I have never been on a date, or been kissed by a guy. I have low self esteem, and I dont think I am very pretty. I am just an average looking girl who is overweight. Not a lot overweight, but enough to bother me. I met this nice guy online, who in real life would be considered "out of my league". He was good looking and nice and funny. We ended up chatting with each other, and he asked me for my pic. Well instead of sending him my real pic, i sent him a pic of my prettier skinner friend. We talked for a while, and our personalities matched perfectly. Eventually he asked me for my #, but i wouldnt give it to him because i didnt want to start phone convos with him for fear that that would cause me to like him even more. Well he eventually started to get impatient with me, and this was after 5 months of chatting online! He had told me through conversations, that he doesnt like to date "ugly" or "chubby" girls, so i knew that he wouldnt like me. Well he was wanting to meet me this friday, and last night i decided to tell him the truth about the whole thing. I told him that i had lied to him about what i looked like, and he was furious with me. He refused to talk to me, and said some really mean things. Well now i feel like complete crap. He refuses to chat with me online, i have apologized a million times. I feel like puking right now....

I just feel like this guy and i clicked so greatly, and now a little thing like my looks will completely ruin the whole thing. How do you guys suggest i get over this guy? do i keep trying to contact him? I CANT get him off of my mind and it is driving me nuts!!!

Avatar for calilawgirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 4:54pm

It looks like you are on the right track not to repeat this mistake again.

Now, if I may, I'd like to give you a piece of advice about men, especially in OLD where the mentality usually is "kid in the candy store." You are going to chat/email people or see profiles you like. For whatever reason, some of these men are going to think you are too short/ too tall/ too fat/ too skinny/ wrong color hair/ don't like her teeth- whatever, their own personal hang up is. While it may hurt that they are rejecting you or ignoring you (your initiated contact), it is part of the game.

I have two perspectives on this. First, it's his loss. If he's shallow enough to let some little imperfection get in the way, then he's not the right person for you anyway. My second take is, we ALL have our own hang ups on what we are physically looking for in a person. We are ALL guilty of this. While it may hurt when it's done to us, we do the same thing to other people. I know you said you are insecure, but I think if you remember this, it might make it easier in the long run.

Also, if you feel your insecurities are getting in the way of having a life that makes you happy, perhaps it's time to take charge of your life and change those things that make you feel insecure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 9:37pm

First and foremost: Right now, I order you to look in the mirror and say "Just because I made a mistake does not mean I am a horrible person."


Yes, you made a mistake, but you KNOW you made a mistake, and "knowing is half the battle."

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 9:48pm
First of all, YOU need to like yourself no matter others like you or not. If you don't, nobody will, someone here probably has already said that, right? Don't push yourself to pursue OLD until you really get to like youself. There're guys who don't really mind how girls look, there're guys who like girls for who they are inside. You need to find a guy who's like that, and next time, don't ever consider telling a lie. It will be exposed, sooner or later. Don't you want someone to like you for who you are? Don't ever play this again, and forget about this guy. He said appearance did matter, which tells you that he's only this worth. You just need a fresh restart. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 12:20am

>>How do you guys suggest i get over this guy? do i keep trying to contact him?<<

NO, you don't try to contact him anymore. You've already lied to him for months and strung him along, deliberately jerking his chain. Why would you want to keep doing that?

The fact that you now feel kind of guilty shows that in your deepest heart, you are NOT a horrible person. You're a nice person who has done a horrible thing. It happens.

What you do now is get some help. Leave the guy alone- you've done too much there already. He's gone, and well he should be. If the situation were reversed and some guy had done something like this to you, everyone would be in agreement- move on down the road. Hopefully, that's just what this guy is doing.

Instead, what you should be asking yourself is what drove you to do this nasty thing? Why would someone who, inside, isn't really that evil and bad a person, do something like that?

Before you even think about guys, let alone THIS guy, you need to start thinking about yourself. I'd strongly urge professional help- a counselor, minister, someone. You need to get your own head right. You will never find what you need to fulfill you outside of yourself- you need to find it IN yourself. It's in there; I can tell. You wouldn't have the nerve to ask for help if it wasn't in there.

You're not horrible. You're a good person who is hurting, badly. Find someone who can help you ease the pain (and no, that doesn't mean a boyfriend). Fix you. Then you will be so much healthier, happier, and attractive, your entire life will be different.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 9:34am

I can only think of one thing to add to all the good advice you've gotten already -- Think of it as having learned several important lessons in one single experience. So you got a whole buncha stuff out of the way.
1. Don't make stuff up because it'll come back to bite you.
2. Don't wait too long before you meet somebody.
3. Don't place any expectations on somebody before you meet them.
4. You have to have a thick skin ... don't take rejection personally.
5. Don't expect OLD to work for you until you feel good about yourself because confidence is the most attractive quality you can have.
There are others, but that's enough for now.

Good luck and keep posting!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2005
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 6:59pm

Hi everyone! Well here is an update on my situation. I was on Yahoo IM today, and I was talking with another one of my friends, when who happens to IM me, but the guy i told you guys about earlier! He IMed me, and said that he was still angry, but he wanted to chat with me. Well i was just finally starting to forget about him (thanks to your guys' advice!)and i was almost dissappointed when he IMed me because all of those old feelings came back!. What do you guys suggest i do? Should i talk to him again, or just let him go....

He seems to shallow now that i think about it. I mean if he doesnt like me for who i am, then i need to move on...

I just dont know!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 7:05pm
He's just upset that you tricked him. Has he seen a photo? If not - send one and go from there.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 7:06pm

If he was upset at you for LYING, how does that make him shallow??? I'm not sure you understood the point all of us were trying to make, if you are calling him shallow....

If he's willing to forgive you for lying, why wouldn't you want to continue talking to him?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 7:16pm

Try to remember your original post (I just read it again). Your problem was you lied to this fellow and he was justfiably upset that you had done so. Now he has gotten over some of his anger, and is willing to talk it over with you. This is a good thing.

I don't know where you get *shallow* from, however. Maybe you are thinking back to some previous comments of his? Well, now is the chance to find out.

Good luck, and please let me know how things turn out.

amjay

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 7:26pm
I agree. He is not at all shallow. Yes, he has told you he didn't want to date a "fat or ugly girl" but we all like what we like and that does not make any of us shallow. Also, he told that to you under the pretense that you were thin and someone else. If he is willing to talk to you and potentially forgive you for lying, go for it. At least talk to him. I am surprised he is willing to do that. As I said before, if he can, he is a very big person and more forgiving than most. Sounds like he could be a good guy deep down. Good luck but please still work on yourself and self-esteem. I think you have a lot of issues still going on that you need to resolve before you can be happy in any relationship.

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