I am really in need of some help!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2005
I am really in need of some help!!!!!!!
16
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 11:40am
I have been married for almost 3 years, I love my husband, but lately we've been having some problems. He works all the time and when he is off he doesn't want to be loving with me. I can't even remember the last time we had sex. (I'm 23 and he's 27). For almost 2 years I've been chatting with this guy online, we talk all the time and we call each other. I do believe I've fallen in love this this guy, and he says he loves me too. I would love for us to meet, but he says he wouldn't dare put me in that position, plus he lives about 8 hours away. I've tired talking to my husband about us not being close anymore, but he doesn't really listen. I am soooo confused can someone please give me some advice??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 11:53am

A. You are a married woman. Even if you haven't had physical contact with this man, you are cheating. Unfair to you, your husband and your families.

B. You aren't in love with the man. You are in love with the image of that man, what he's presented to you and wants you to see. On line is fantasy world. That's why we move from email/phone to meeting in REAL life...to assess the REAL person, not their on-line PERSONA.

C. If you have any interest in saving your marriage, go to counseling. Go alone if your husband won't go.

D. If you don't want to save your marriage, get a divorce BEFORE you move on to the next man.

Edited to add: I suspect that he doesn't want to meet you because he's married or has an SO, or otherwise is unavailable to meet you. You are probably just a fun distraction for him.




Edited 3/21/2005 12:55 pm ET ET by sisfox


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 11:56am

I advise another board - iVillage has quite a few on relationship problems that would better suit you.

Good luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2005
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 12:02pm
okay thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 12:03pm

You've been married 3 years, and chatting with another man for 2?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 12:05pm

I'm afraid that you're not going to get very much support AT ALL on this board.


If you want to work on saving your marriage try these:


Ask the relationships saver


Should I stay or should I go?


Problem solving for couples


If you want support try this one:


My affair support


If you want to learn how an affair destroys people and their ability to trust others try reading the posts on these boards:


Healing after betrayal


Betrayed spouses support

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 12:10pm

I am completely with sisfox here. You are NOT in love with this man. You have never met him and know nothing about him except what he has let you know through your communications with him. You might think you are in love with this online persona that he has provided, but until you actually meet someone and spend significant time with them in person, you cannot be in love - it is impossible.

If you have any desire to save your marriage, do more than just talk to your husband. Get counseling and work on your marriage. Get offline and stop talking to random men you have met out there. That is not helping things at all and in fact is making things worse. You are projecting your feelings of hurt and dissatisfaction with your marriage on to an unrealistic and nonexistent online relationship. That is dangerous and deceptive. This guy is filling a void you don't have in your marriage, but that does not make a real relationship either.

And yes, this other guy probably has a spouse too and won't go so far as to physically cheat on her but is enjoying the emotional cheating with you. Your best thing is to stop communicating with this man immediately. Regardless of whether or not you plan to work on your marriage, you should not continue this relationship until you are free to do so both legally and emotionally.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 12:13pm
so basically for 95% of your marriage you've been in touch with someone else. You're not giving your marriage a chance. Don't blame everything on your husband. You're not totally focused on it either. You have this other person in the back of your mind all the time. Maybe your husband senses your distance. What you have with the online guy is a fantasy. I would advise you to stop all communication with him and concentrate 100% on your marriage. You need to open the lines of communication with your husband and get whatever the online guy is giving you from your husband. You've made a commitment with your husband and you need to work on it. Then and only then, if it doesn't work, end it. But you need to get the other guy out of the equation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2005
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 12:14pm
well we did quit talking once for about 4 months or so, things between my husband and I stayed the same. I think the main problem I have is that my husband doesn't seem to want to grow up. We had a fight the over that just the other day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2005
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 12:18pm
Hmmmm, I've never looked at it like that. You may be right, he is just filling a void, that I feel I don't get from my husband anymore. Thanks, it gives me alot to think about. I've also thought about counseling, but it's hard to get someone to go that has a 4 year degree in phsycology.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2005
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 12:21pm
Well at first I was not intersted in this guy, we started out just chatting bout sports and this in that, for about a year now its been like it is, but I do understand what ya'll are saying, and deep down I know you're right, so thanks.

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