I am so toast

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2006
I am so toast
25
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 10:53am

I'm still not big on OLD. I still feel wierd doing it and I'm definitely a novice. I started it on a whim and I've come to expect to be disappointed. I think that's what drew me to it, because I'm coming off a bad heartbreak (healed now, but there are scars) and OLD would allow me to date and ease the lonliness factor, without me having to get emotionally involved with anyone; and thus, without me having to risk being hurt again. And for the first time in my life I've been able to date without emotional attachment. Granted, I haven't been on very many dates, OLD or IRL, but just to be able to thumb my nose and say "whatever" when a guy dumps me is a HUGE thing for me.

Having said that, I got emotionally involved last night. Really emotionally involved. I was so unenthusiastic about going out with this guy because he seemed too good to be true, but he's the real deal, or at least as far as I can tell. If he's hiding any skeletons he's good at it, because he seemed genuine to me. And I went into to this LOOKING for red flags, so I think I would have noticed. Then again, my perception was probably clouded from the very beginning of the date.

It was one of those moments you see in movies. I walked into the bar (omg - AMAZING place - this guy is connected) I saw him and it was like WOW. His pics did not lie. And as we talked it was like he was a spy or something, as if he spent weeks finding things out about me so he would know exactly what to say. We have so many things in common that it is really really scary.

Here's the problem - we got drunk and made out the whole night. I never do that on a first date. I'm a Christian and I believe in waiting for marriage before having sex. But I almost had sex with this guy and I thank God for giving me the sense to sober up and snap out of it.

I know I'm going down the same path by getting emotionally wrapped up in a good-looking, smooth-talking charmer. He's a good kisser, knows all the right moves and words, and no doubt has tons of experience. I've read about this guy in a hundred romance novels, but the last time I felt that way about someone he ended up being a total jerk. And if I choose to focus all my attention on him, I'll have to ditch the really sweet Christian guy I went out with on Friday night (I can't date both - that's more complication than I need right now). And what if I find out that I made the wrong choice?

This is freaking me out and I don't know what to do about it. It's almost like it was so good that I'm thinking there has to be a problem and I'm just waiting for the clown to jump out and say "aha!" I'm sorry this is so long, I just needed to get it all out. The people I know IRL don't sympathize because they think I'm stupid for doing OLD anyway, and that I'll never meet Mr. Right that way. Has anyone else been in this situation? How do you separate your thoughts and reasoning from romance and physical attraction?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2006
In reply to: lostbee4
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 12:10pm

Hey there....
Well. You're situation sounds like mine.
When I met the guy I'm dating - we met at Starbucks then moved on to dinner at a nice restraunt - I ALMOST turned on my heel and walked back OUT - as soon as I saw him the air stated sizzling..... He was SO MUCH more than his photo's. Handsome and exactly my type. He remembered things that I'd said and found a place with a fireplace for us to eat at (I Love fireplaces...). He brought flowers, and chocolate (which I am always dying for). He was funny, smart, shy and outgoing all rolled into one. Like you, I keep second guessing everything - But at the risk of sabotoshing a good thing, I mentally shook myself and HAD to mellow out....

An important questions...After your make-out session (I had one too that almost led to sex) did he still make plans to see you again? If you have seen him again and have more witts about you, did he seem put-off/angry by your lack of wanting to get physical like you had before?

Would love to hear more.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
In reply to: lostbee4
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 12:36pm

That's a good story BCNU - are you still dating this sizzle guy?

Avatar Image"The Small Peanu
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lostbee4
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 12:43pm

Hey there, I'm glad you had fun! But remember, it takes many, many more dates than one to find out whether someone's the "real deal" or not. I'm glad you hit it off, but you need to take a step back and remind yourself that TIME WILL TELL. And by "time", I mean a good 4-6 months of regular dating. Most people put their best dating foot forward right away, and are able to keep it up for 3-4 months or so. It's once those best foot forward masks start to come off that you start to get a sense of what the person is really like.

So be excited about this guy, but retain some skepticism.

And it sounds like less alcohol and less making out would be a very good idea on the next date.

As for the other guy, why not date both for a month or two until you get to know them better and have more of a basis for a decision that charm and good looks? What's so "complicated" about that?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2006
In reply to: lostbee4
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 1:55pm

I was just thinking about this as I waited for my car to be cleaned at the carwash. I realized that I shouldn't be worried about my skeptism, since that's going to keep me from jumping in head first. But you are right - no more alcohol, for sure! I can't make promises to make out less, but I will try! LOL

And the other guy is a super religious zealot. I'm a faithful Christian and I talk to God daily, read my bible, etc., but he's just a little too over the top for me. I thought about that at the carwash, too. And he's already talking relationship and exclusivity, so I'm just going to next him....he's sweet, but irritating (and he refused my offer to split the check at dinner, then freaked out when he saw the bill and complained the rest of the night about how broke he is!)

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lostbee4
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 1:59pm

Ok, then if not that guy, then someone else (or several someones). The point is to keep yourself from putting all your eggs in the good-looking guy's basket for the time being.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
In reply to: lostbee4
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 2:06pm

Directed to the OP:

Delurking. Just had to throw in my two cents - there's a saying. "If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is."

I would be REAL careful if I were you. He sounds like a player to me. I met a guy like that once - almost exact situation in fact, and the truth was he was divorced and out looking to score with a few women.

Maybe that's not the case here, maybe he's the real deal, but with the phone hesitation and the early on make out session... well, it sounds all too familiar to me...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2006
In reply to: lostbee4
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 2:16pm

Oooh, I love the "sizzle" reference, and that is what happened with us last night. It was like there was a magnet that drew me to him. Tee hee. It was wierd to because I walked into the bar and it was all candlelit and I didn't have my glasses on, so I stood in the middle of the room and looked around. When I saw him sitting my heart jumped and I thought "nah, that's not him." Then he stood up and WOW! The air did sizzle - I love that phrase! We hugged right away and our cheeks touched. We lingered and I felt his hands tighten around me. We both had a catch in our breath at the same time. He pulled away and looked at each other like "Oh my goodness, what just happened?"

I'm glad I'm not the only one who has had this experience - it makes it seem more real. :)

And to answer your questions, I only saw him last night. I drove him home...I know, stupid! So I offered to take him to get his car this morning. He said he might take me up on it, so we'll see. No call yet and it's past noon. When we were in his house he was definitely trying to get me in bed and he was seriously putting the moves on. It was so hard to resist and I am thankful that I was the sober one at this point, rather than vice versa. There was one moment when I realized that I had put myself in a possilby dangerous situation and I was a little scared, but as soon as he realized I was afraid he backed off and became a perfect gentleman. I think he was definitely disappointed, but he seemed to respect me for my decision. No plans made after that point, other than me maybe taking him to his car, but while we were drinking/making out he said he wanted to take me out to dinner and several other things he said he'd like us to do together, and he made it clear that he was interested.

I'm going to try to mellow out, but maintain a degree of skeptism so I can keep my eyes open. The hardest part will be trying to keep myself from getting swept up in this whirlwind. And I may be getting all worked up over nothing - the guy may never even call again, who knows?

That's funny what you said about your guy being funny, smart, shy and outgoing all rolled into one. That's exactly what I thought about my guy. It was all in balance. How long have you been with your man, and does the air still sizzle? :D

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
In reply to: lostbee4
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 2:20pm

All the advice you've gotten so far has been good. I agree with Sheri and the others that you need to be cautious.

One thing that struck me about your message is that though you say that you want to be careful and are skeptical and all that, you clearly are still looking for "Mr. Right" and that magical romance that is associated with having found him.

My take on your message is that you have two conflicting desires: one is to give in to romance and passion, the other is to be very sensible, unemotional, and protect yourself.

Drinking too much is often a way in which we turn off the "censor" inside of us so that we can have the "fun" we want to have but feel guilty about. You stopped yourself in time to keep from doing what you would have been angry at yourself about afterwards (having sex with the guy) but the drinking made it possible for you to relax enough to have the fun you could without feeling too guilty. I wouldn't blame myself for it, if I were you. I'd just make sure that I wasn't giving in to "romance" too quickly.

Date this guy carefully, get to know him as a person slowly. And keep dating other guys because they will help you get him in perspective.

Good luck!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lostbee4
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 2:40pm

Oh, boy, danger Will Robinson!!! You're probably too young to remember that phrase from "Lost in Space" but it applies here I think.

I have felt that instant chemistry sizzle several times in my life and EVERY TIME, the guy has turned out to be a BAAAAAD match for me (at best emotionally unavailable, but usually a liar or worse). I spent 4 years with a guy who is incapable of making a real commitment and the signs were there from the get go but I ignored them because the chemistry was so strong (and it never did fade--our sex life was fantastic pretty much the whole time we were together).

So now I mistrust that instant chemistry, because I know that it's almost certianly my subconscious that doesn't know better being immediately attracted to an unavailable (or worse) man. Your issue may be different (i.e, it may not be unavailable men you're attracted to, it could be something else) but I'd urge you to be even more cautious and skeptical than you would normally be because of this. Harville Hendrix does a good job of talking about this in his books and there's even something about it in Mars and Venus on a Date (I'm not a big John Gray fan but there are some nuggets of wisdom in there).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2006
In reply to: lostbee4
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 4:11pm

I think the comments on "instant chemistry" are interesting...

Two years ago I met up with a guy I met online. We had a nice time but he later declined dating seriously because he didn't feel "an instant spark." Is a spark a prerequisite for a second date? Or dating exclusively?

Is it shallow to seek such a feeling when meeting someone?

Or isn't it?

Have experienced "a spark immediately" and having "a spark" grow over time, my opinion is the best relationships seem to grow... there isn't always an instant spark.

It's interesting... that's for sure!

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