I am so toast

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2006
I am so toast
25
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 10:53am

I'm still not big on OLD. I still feel wierd doing it and I'm definitely a novice. I started it on a whim and I've come to expect to be disappointed. I think that's what drew me to it, because I'm coming off a bad heartbreak (healed now, but there are scars) and OLD would allow me to date and ease the lonliness factor, without me having to get emotionally involved with anyone; and thus, without me having to risk being hurt again. And for the first time in my life I've been able to date without emotional attachment. Granted, I haven't been on very many dates, OLD or IRL, but just to be able to thumb my nose and say "whatever" when a guy dumps me is a HUGE thing for me.

Having said that, I got emotionally involved last night. Really emotionally involved. I was so unenthusiastic about going out with this guy because he seemed too good to be true, but he's the real deal, or at least as far as I can tell. If he's hiding any skeletons he's good at it, because he seemed genuine to me. And I went into to this LOOKING for red flags, so I think I would have noticed. Then again, my perception was probably clouded from the very beginning of the date.

It was one of those moments you see in movies. I walked into the bar (omg - AMAZING place - this guy is connected) I saw him and it was like WOW. His pics did not lie. And as we talked it was like he was a spy or something, as if he spent weeks finding things out about me so he would know exactly what to say. We have so many things in common that it is really really scary.

Here's the problem - we got drunk and made out the whole night. I never do that on a first date. I'm a Christian and I believe in waiting for marriage before having sex. But I almost had sex with this guy and I thank God for giving me the sense to sober up and snap out of it.

I know I'm going down the same path by getting emotionally wrapped up in a good-looking, smooth-talking charmer. He's a good kisser, knows all the right moves and words, and no doubt has tons of experience. I've read about this guy in a hundred romance novels, but the last time I felt that way about someone he ended up being a total jerk. And if I choose to focus all my attention on him, I'll have to ditch the really sweet Christian guy I went out with on Friday night (I can't date both - that's more complication than I need right now). And what if I find out that I made the wrong choice?

This is freaking me out and I don't know what to do about it. It's almost like it was so good that I'm thinking there has to be a problem and I'm just waiting for the clown to jump out and say "aha!" I'm sorry this is so long, I just needed to get it all out. The people I know IRL don't sympathize because they think I'm stupid for doing OLD anyway, and that I'll never meet Mr. Right that way. Has anyone else been in this situation? How do you separate your thoughts and reasoning from romance and physical attraction?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2006
In reply to: lostbee4
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 11:08pm

Since I started dating at 16 there have been two guys with whom I felt the instant spark. The first one was my highschool sweetheart and I ended up marrying him (ick - bad idea!). The second one came four months after I separtated from my now ex-husband. He ended up being emotionally unavailable and a complete and total JERK.

I think strong sexual chemistry clouds your vision, as others have said, so you are less likely to notice problems and you will most likely stick in the relationship because you've become emotional involved.

So that is why it is so unfair that the ones with the great chemistry are the hardest to resist, even though we know it will end up bad in the end. Still, I don't think it's shallow to expect an instant spark. There has to be something that puts him ahead of the rest.

I just do not have patience to wait for the spark to grow. If it isn't there right away, I'm not interested. {{{sigh}}} It looks like I'm going down the path of only liking the wrong guys. BTDT and swore I've changed my ways...apparently not. But the wrong guys are exciting. The "right" ones bore me :P

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2006
In reply to: lostbee4
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 11:15pm

"My take on your message is that you have two conflicting desires: one is to give in to romance and passion, the other is to be very sensible, unemotional, and protect yourself."

I just wanted to say thank you for putting into words EXACTLY what I've been going through. You have explained my conflict perfectly. I'm a really strong Christian, so there are ideals and values associated with that. Yet, I'm very much a part of this world and I'm human with human desires and emotions. I've been hurt badly in the past, yet I'm impulsive and romantic by nature.

It's sort of funny that Friday night I went out with a wholesome Christian man who, through our phone conversations, has helped me move closer to God. Then on Saturday I went out with the exact opposite and did very unchristian things...perhaps Satan's ploys to bring me to the dark side? LOL

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lostbee4
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 11:19pm

Well, I think there are degrees of chemistry or spark. What I was thinking of (and I think lostbee is too) is the overwhelming kind that makes you lose your mind a bit ;-). But there's less overwhelming chemistry, that's still a spark. And I think that you have to at least feel *some* spark to continue to see someone. So I do think that you have to have a least a small amount of instant spark in order to keep things going. That spark can grow, but something needs to be there from the start, IMO.

But the over the top kind isn't necessary and as I said earlier, I think now think it's a danger sign.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
In reply to: lostbee4
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 9:35am

I have had some amazing chemistry fuelled first dates and I have to warn you - it doesn't mean anything! I vented above about this guy recently who I had GREAT chemistry with, had five really fantastic dates with and then he totally vanished - poof, for no reason at all! So, be cautious with your enthusiasm. Not that this couldn't turn into something great, but I am in total agreement with Sheri - remain skeptical for quite a time to come. And if this guy was trying to get you into bed on the first night - he's not that much of a gentleman!

Coolas

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
In reply to: lostbee4
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 9:47am

Hi Bee,

Hang in there. I always think that recognizing the temptation is the first step in resisting it.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2006
In reply to: lostbee4
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 11:12am

Wow - How exciting!
And hey, just becasue he hasn't called YET does NOT mean he won't. You know how guys are....they wait...and wait.....
I'm trying to remember the details that followed with the guy I'm dating. Oh. He did not call, he texted the next mid-day. We did see each other again the following night, but he didn't call until late the next night following - which KILLED me!
It's like...you're on pins and needles! You know the feeling!

So far, everything has been great. We talk and tease, and haven't had a repeat of the "almost sex" encounter. Which is weird...I feel like I'm in high school -- and I'm 29.
We went to a movie last night, and one of the lines was "Sex complicates everything." and I leaned over and asked him "Do you agree?" and he said yes. Of course, he asked me the same question, and MY reply was "Sex only comlicates things if you let it."

Which is the truth, in my opinion....
And the reality is, most guy assume woman can't just have sex with no strings attached, so they withdrawl and back away. They don't want us to get clingy.....

It's also possible that because you didn't have sex with this new person in your life, he feels slightly rejected? Or isn't used to the feelings? It's so hard to say!!!!!

Your thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2006
In reply to: lostbee4
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 11:17am

Am I still dating him?
YES!!!!

It was so funny....
I have to tell you, I'm still getting used to GENTLEMEN, and occassionally I have gotten to the door before him, so he wasn't able to open it for me...
Well, last night we went to the movies. He had his arm around my waist (and I his) so I was slightly ahead of him.....and when we got to the door of the theater, he put both his arms around me, whirled me around like we were dancing, and yanked the door open.

We both started to laugh, and he pulled me in to him and kissed my temple.

It was like we were both 18 years old.

The concession guy must have thought we were nuts, laughing and joking around like we were....

In the span of a week and a half -- I'd say we've seen each other 6 times?
How do you know when you're in love and when you're just....overwhelmed with newness and excitement?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2006
In reply to: lostbee4
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 1:32pm

How do you know if it's love? TIME! My last seriously relationship moved really fast (another one of those with the instant spark) and we were saying the "L" word within two weeks. Looking back it was just lust. The spark faded in 2 months, but we were "in love" so we dragged it out for 8 months. Ugh - worst eight months of my life.

So, it could be love, but only time will tell if it actually is. That is sweet though - I love the temple kissing thing. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2006
In reply to: lostbee4
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 1:41pm

LOL I think we are dating the same guy ;) He texted me yesterday midday (!) and and asked if I had the kids. I said yes and thanked him for the date. I didn't hear back from him. I hope he doesn't think I was brushing him off. I hate text messaging and I hate it when guys resort to that (it also has me thinking he's married!) I'm also walking that thin line between playing it cool and letting him know I'm interested. But I think he was at least going to ask me out for last night. Still, he didn't make an attempt to set up another date, so we'll see. The more I think about it the more I'm thinking P L A Y E R! He was just too perfect. When I didn't have sex with him, he seemed sad and surprised, like he isn't turned down often. Yet, he seemed to feel really bad when I teased him about using a ploy to get me in his house (he needed help with moving something). He told me again and again that he wasn't using it as a ploy. P L A Y E R!

But I'm going to give him a chance, because I really really hope he is not a player. I think you are right - he may be feeling rejected. So how do I let him know I'm interested without being THAT girl who gets clingy and crazy? And how the heck do I find out if he is married or not?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
In reply to: lostbee4
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 1:59pm
Well...stranger things have happened and maybe he's good at hiding things...but you WERE in his house, so I doubt he's married (unless he has a "bachelor pad" he keeps for his rendezvous' with other women)...there'd be signs of another woman living there.

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