i am in a terrible dilemma, HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
i am in a terrible dilemma, HELP
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 8:45pm
hi everyone, i am in a horrible situation which i guess i caused all on my own. ok, I have been with a guy for 2 years now, we dont live in the same country anymore(have been apart for about 4 months now) and I love him very much and would never want to hurt him. The problem is, I just recently started talking to this guy again who I met online over 3 years ago. We stopped talking just before I met my new boyfriend, but talked only every now and then occasionally. Well now I have started talking to him again (which I am not sure is a good idea) and i started thinking that I wish i had met him when we first started talking 3 years ago(i know him very well, we used to be great friends at one time). Now he is saying that he is willing to come to where I am for a few weeks just so we could meet but I know for a fact that he wants more from me than what he is putting out. I am curious to meet him and I want closure to the whole thing because I have always been wondering. The only thing is, I love my boyfriend VERY MUCH and would not want to hurt him...I would only go meet this guy AS FRIENDS and nothing more, regardless what he wants of me. So i dont know what to do, I am curious about the guy but i dont want to hurt my bf or even worse lose him over this...pleeeeease help me with this, I would be very grateful!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 09-26-2003 - 12:16am
Here are the facts as you tell them:

1. you love your boyfriend

2. you know this guy wants more than to be just friends

if you don't want anything to happen that would possibly ruin your relationship with your boyfriend, don't bother with this guy. you're vulnerable now and perhaps a little lonely because your bf is out of the country. here's this guy from online who's being all nicey-nice

don't do it. closure comes from inside you, not from meeting up with some guy from 3 years ago so you can find it.

you've never met this guy in person. you have no idea what his character is or what his real intentions are or where they lie.

this guy could be giving you a load of bs a mile wide.

i wouldn't take the chance -- for a stranger no less.

no way.

don't do it, i'm telling ya...

and he wants to come to where you are for "a few weeks"?

give me a freakin' break. he's NOT looking for friendship. don't be naive.

you say you have a wonderful boyfriend - don't mess around with it. don't be typical.

Avatar for stars_eyes
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-26-2003 - 11:25pm
I couldn't agree any less.

Don't risk your good relationship with your boyfriend to meet another guy.

You don't have to meet up with this guy to stay as friends.

"A bird in hand is worth two in the bush"

Don't take the chances is what I think.

Good luck and God bless,


Avatar for jayecey
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-27-2003 - 9:05pm
Welcome wind.....as I read your post I found it filled with conflict, you're not sure it's a good idea to have started to talk to him again and...you wish you had met him when you first started talking. These two thoughts cannot co-exist and so you have a decision to make.

The fact that you have this decision to make conflicts with yet something else you said, that you love your bf very much. If that were true, you would not be faced with this, you would have had a commitment to your bf that included the ability to defeat curiousity, the ability to say no, I'm not interested in having you visit, knowing his intentions for a fact. You would have had the ability to find closure within yourself over these past few years, you don't need him there to do that. You still have a chance to make this right and develop your concept of love.

If you do agree to meet up with the old friend, you will hurt your bf, and you will lose him, maybe not right away, but you will.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 09-28-2003 - 6:47am
I find it funny how gender would approach this so differently. Do you think that if the roles where reverse, if that was a guy, that HE wouldnt go and meet this girl?? Come on! Let's get serious. Of course he would!

If i was in a simular situation, i would think that i was mature enough, secure enough, strong enough, independent enough, to meet any man...on the street, at a party, at the office, that my love for my current bf is so strong that nothing and nobody would be able to change those feelings.

He's a friend...ok..so why not meet up with him for a drink, lunch, etc. Why shouldnt you?? If a friend that i met online years ago emailed, called, etc and said..guess what, i'm coming into town wanna hook up for a drink, lunch,...your darn right i would go for it..why not?? I'm secure enough to know where i want to be, and what i want to do. I would of course make my situation perfectly clear to him that i am involved and that i'm not interested in anything romantic...but sure i would meet up with him and finally meet him. Why not??

As long as you have set up your boundries with this person and let him know where you stand, you think of fondly and abviously care about him as a friend, then why not. Have more confident in who you are and where you are in your current life...i wouldnt give up my control of my life for any man..current bf or not. If i want to see a friend, i will..period!


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 2:26am
Well, when I think of me and my husband in your circumstances. Even him just as my bf, I think he would freak out if I met another guy. I have certain friends online even that he knows about now, and he gets jealous if I talk to them too much. If your like me, you would have to tell your bf about it. But if your bf is like my husband, he wouldn't agree with it and would be hurt. Curiousity isn't suprising. But if you love your bf, and your relationship means as much to you as it sounds, then you may not want to take any chances on messing that up. Thats something special you have, I just don't know if meeting someone else would be worth that chance of ruining your current relationship. Talk to your bf even, see how he feels. If he completely disagrees with you meeting as friends, then I would decline.

Kristina & Ani Rose 3/21/03

"A child said, What is the grass? fetching it to me with full hands; How could I answer the child? . . . . I do not know what it is any more than he."

"I celebrate myself, And what I assume you shall assume, For every atom belonging to me as good as belongs to you"

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Sat, 10-04-2003 - 9:57pm
thanks everyone for your replies, I appreciate it. I got my answer just a few days ago, which clears it all up and explains a lot of things. This "friend" with whom I was discussing my vacation plans with my boyfriend decided to stop talking to me, so flat out ignoring me. I guess it is very obvious since I had the feeling that he would want more from me than just friendship, which of course I dont want to or be able to give him...I mean even if we were still talking to each other, I probably wouldnt go ahead with meeting him, he just isnt worth my time(which I should have known from the past but I never learn do i) So that being said, I think it is all ok now :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 10-07-2003 - 12:42am
good. now he can move on to someone more gullible than you!