I didn't IM - so he says "I'm gone"

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
I didn't IM - so he says "I'm gone"
12
Fri, 10-17-2003 - 4:56pm
I'm just going to vent. Hope you don't mind. I've been having bad luck with online dating lately. In the past month and a half I've been getting a lot of messages from men who sound downright idiotic in their profiles and their initial contact messages. Delete, delete, delete.

I then had some communication with a few who seemed really promising. All disappeared after a couple of emails or the first phone call.

Then this week I was contacted by someone sounded really good. Let's call him J. He sent me a "tease" and we exchanged two emails apiece. But...two days ago I had gone out, left my computer on and hadn't logged off the dating site. When I returned I saw J had sent an IM. I had been busy with work but today had some time so I wrote and explained that I hadn't been by my computer when he sent the message. I said that I thought that I had my IM settings set to show me as "away" but apparantly my preferences reset. I also said that with online dating I've become a little uncomfortable with exchanging IMs. I then sent a few more lines asking about his work and asking about a trip he told me about.

This was the response I got from him a few minutes later:

<

I'm gone...>>

I was shocked by this reaction. It felt like a slap in the face. How exactly was I ignoring him?? If I don't respond instantaneously then I'm ignoring him? And...according to him, I'm the worst kind of person there is to be?? Who is he to judge me?

I know that this speaks volumes about his character and I'm better off knowing this now rather than later. But I am really ticked off. Normally I'm thick skinned when it comes to online dating. But up until now I've only had to deal with being ignored or subtly turned down. I've never had anyone condemn me. I'm not in such a good mood today so I think that's also making me a overly sensitive.

Thanks for listening.

jhoover



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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Hi jhoover,

Yikes! I agree that guy has ISSUES and you're better off knowing now - but I'm sure that note still stings.

And actually, I read his inartfully-drafted snippy-gram to read that HE's the terrible person, not you. What a toad he is.

ginger

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003

I agree with Ginger on this one - I think he meant that he was the worse person to be, not you. However, he made a very big assumption and is trying his best to punish you and make you feel guilty for not jumping when he hit "enter" -


Don't give up altogether but give this man a wide berth! You didn;t deserve that kind of response but it probably is an indication of what the future holds - I think I would cut Mr. Snap Judgement loose and keep on looking....


tg

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Hi Ginger,

Remember I asked posters if they would consider meeing someone whose looks were just so-so if their profile looked good? At the time, I wasn't in that situation but this guy did fit that scenario. His profile and first email to me sounded perfect but his photo - well, he didn't quite "do it for me." But I thought I'd give him a chance. Whoa - good thing this was nipped in the bud. He didn't succeed in hiding his "psycho" side for too long did he?

jhoover

p.s. I wanted to send you a private email in order to ask you something but your board settings do not allow members to email you. If you're willing, could let me know via my email (it's in my profile). If not - no worries - it's certainly not a matter of life or death and I do respect your desire for privacy.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Basically, I avoid all IM communication on those sites and don't exchange more than one or two emails - I get to the phone quickly and then to meeting if it makes sense - that way you weed out the ones who just want to have someone to type to. Of course he is a jerk, and deciding there is some sort of IM "etiquette" is ridiculous. Just stay away from the computer contact as much as possible - the ones who are really interested in a relationship will want to meet as soon as possible and talk on the phone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Normally once red flags go up (scary ones) I just ignore the guy. This time I wrote back and said that his reaction clearly indicated to me that we are not compatible. So he's gone, gone, gone.

And just now I was contacted by someone else. I wrote back asking him to tell more about what kind of relationship he's seeking. His response contained a crude proposal. Good grief. Do I have "send me verbally abusive messages" encoded somewhere in my profile?

These people pay money to use this service. This is how they spend their hard earned cash? Please tell me I'm not the only one to encounter such nonsense on a regular basis.

jhoover

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003

No, you are not the only one -- it is somewhat rampant on the internet these days. I remember when I was working with Matchmaker, I heard stories that make some of these sound tame. But, you find a lot of married men on there, you find a lot of men who can and will say all sorts of things to you knowing full well that they will never meet you (and, with behavior like that, why should they?)


No, it isn't you - you can believe that. You just have to go through some to get to the others...


tg

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Hi jhoover - I just sent you an email. :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Nope, sadly it's not just you. I had exchanged a few emails w/ a guy and he seemed okay - then he sends me an email in which he (1) criticizes a girl he had recently gone out with as being too old (she was a year older than me) and (2) makes a joke about the size of his penis!! I wrote back and said that the penis joke was inappropriate and that I was not interested in corresponding further. He wrote back and told me I was being too sensitive!! Grr. I think he clearly fell into the category of "just looking for sex."

ginger

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Ooh - speaking of married men - jhoover, I forgot to tell you about the married guy who contacted me looking for an, um, participant for a threesome w/him & his wife! :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Don't I get that a lot. I figured it was because I was looking for friends or something. Jhoover, sit back and laugh at the loser as he must haven't a clue of where he went wrong on this one.

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