I don't get men!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
I don't get men!!
27
Sun, 03-27-2005 - 6:35pm

So I met a guy from online a couple weeks ago. Things went great, I could tell he was really into me. We went out a couple times since then, kept in contact between dates, etc. He seemed to be on the same page as me, looking for something long term, had a good job etc. The type of guy that I am now looking for. I had a business trip earlier in the week, he picked me up from the aiport, which I thought was very sweet. He made comments about us in the future, called me sweetie, everything pointed to things going just fine. He called me Friday night, we didn't have plans, but he wanted to meet up. Well he ended up falling asleep at his sisters and called me at 2:30am apologizing, no big deal, but we had plans for last night (Saturday). He asks if I wanted to grab lunch. Great! Saturday comes, I don't hear from him, so I call around 3, no answer. I call again around 7:30 to make sure things were ok. He had just gotten out of the gym, said he was really sick in the morning and stayed in bed till 3. I told him he at least could have called me and told me, I could have made other plans. So he asks if I want to grab dinner, I said sure and to call me when he was done taking a shower and getting ready, about an hour or two. I even asked him if he was going to stand me up, if so then I will make other plans. He said "No no! I'm not going to ditch you." He called me 15 minutes later, said his step-mom had made him dinner, so he was going to eat at his house but we would still meet up. Never heard from him. I called at 10, just to make sure he didn't fall asleep or something. Called again at 11:30 pretty pissed and said I was going out and meeting friends. I went online and saw he was on match. I was fuming! I've never been stood up before, I just don't get it!

The guy was completely into me, well, at least I thought! I sent him a kiss off email, not totally mean, just telling him he should have had the courtesy to tell me he didn't want to go out. Basically a goodbye and good luck to him. I don't have time for that stuff. Have the balls to say something. Looks like he was a game player afterall. So I'm back at square one again, but at least I found out sooner rather than later.

So I changed my criteria on guys I should date, but even the ones who seem to have their stuff together are still game players! What am I doing wrong??

layx2

Avatar for barbrocks
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 9:47am

I have not read that, but reading what you just wrote...

YES! That IS what happens. Exactly.

Barb

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 10:01am

Yeah, I read it...and I think it's a bunch of bs. Not that it doesn't happen (it obviously does, and frequently)...but this goes back to what I said about emotional health earlier in this thread. Emotionally healthy and mature people THINK about the consequences of their actions and words! They don't just act without regard for the consequences...they realize that they can use their brain and their reason to control their "instincts" (what a concept, eh???).

Yet another "it's a guy thing" excuse for bad behavior.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 10:05am

Stood you up, that's really really low.

You're not the first person to have fallen for a line, and you won't be the last. We just have to learn to keep our expections to a minimum during the early phases of dating a fellow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 10:32am

OK, I'm not saying what he did was right. He treated her badly (notice my he's a sh*t comment earlier)! BUT, the title of this thread is "I don't get men!" so I am attempting help her clarify, to understand what MAY have happened.

I agree that if this is where he is, what he is doing, it is very immature and selfish. The book which I referred to says this as well by the way. That this usually behaviour of very young or inexperienced men, that mature men grow out of this because they need more than just physical connection.

As an aside, I do NOT think men are evil, they get a pretty bad wrap in these message boards sometimes. I do think they operate differently than we do and it causes misunderstandings on both sides of this fence, people get hurt (and true, SOME PEOPLE are just mean). I also think there is a vein of truth in both Mars/Venus and He's just not that into you, but they are generalities and should be taken that way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 10:57am

Actually, I believe HJNTIY is spot on and not a generality whatsoever. It was wholly created from women's mistake of believing everything she is told and ignoring all actions to the contrary!

The op got sucked in, and that's awful. She may have believed what she heard, but the dude gave no indication that he was playing her. Good for her for writing him off immediately!

I would still advise her that next time take what is said with a grain of salt in the early stages of dating. Having someone try to get too close too fast sets off alarm bells. Mature people don't do that, they take the time to get to know someone.

I don't know, maybe my age is showing through here! Been there, heard that one before, a bureau full of t-shirts.

amjay

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 11:13am

Well, I have been in the situation where I decide he's not into me based on what that book says and its just not true. I get caught up in well he hasn't called by the time I think he should have so HJNTIM. Only to have him call and be very exicted about getting together. It caused me some grief, but that also has to do with my own personal issues too.

I agree that moving too fast is a very bad idea. S L O W, enjoy the process, do get too worried about calling or not calling, involve yourself in your own life and treating yourself well. Then he will be icing and not the cake.

Its hard though when you're there, in it. It is very painful, that rejection; I sympathize with her/you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 11:38am

Wow, thanks so much for everyone's replies on this situation! It really has thrown me for a loop, cause I keep thinking "What happened?" But in reality, he obviously wasn't mature enough to deal with any kind of relationship at this point. I was seeing a couple of red flags with the comments he made, but I thought I would give him the benefit of the doubt and see how things went. He was handsome, good job, opened doors, etc. Great conversationalist and was overall very sweet. I think a lot of women would have probably gotten sucked into that. He wasn't over-the-top though, in the sense that he was talking about marriage etc. But he did talk of things he would like to do together in the next couple of months. Whoever said you should take those comments with a grain of salt is completely right!

I think he was caught up in the moment. I'm always told how stunning I am (although I see myself differently, that's a whole other story). So maybe he did get caught up in the looks factor. Now that I think about it, he did keep telling me I had the face of Jessica Simpson, big eyes, blonde hair, etc. Maybe after thinking about it, he just didn't want the responsibility of a relationship while he was dealing with the beginning of his career. Too bad he didn't have the balls to say it to me though. All I have to say is NEXT!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 11:43am
YAY you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 11:46am

Wow, it's wonderful to hear you so positive, layx2.

Onwards and upwards, eh?

Cheers!

amjay

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 5:07pm

Exactly Amjay! I'm 25 years old, successful and have my life together. Why should I deal with men who aren't emotional mature enough for me? I've gone down this road before. I've been hurt A LOT. I'd be happier single and supporting myself. It just seems like lately I've been finding all the wrong men, even when I've become more picky. It's like they are a wolf in sheeps clothing. Where are all the good men? I've been doing the online thing for the past couple of years and have found a few serious relationships but in the end they are messed up too. Maybe I should be finding them the old fashion way. The reason I ask what I'm doing wrong is because the common denominator in all of my relationships is me. Just makes me wonder...

layx2