I don't know if anyone here can help....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2003
I don't know if anyone here can help....
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 2:58pm
I have a problem that i wondered if anyone here has gone through. About a year and a half ago I met this guy, J, online. We only talked a few times, but sparks flew. To make a long story shorter, I will just tell you that in January of this year we started talking on the phone and by March we were talking every day. I tried to resist the feelings that I began to feel for him, but how often does that work? We made plans for him to fly down here to meet for 4th of July weekend (he lived in New York, I live in Florida), but a few weeks prior to that he called to cancel, saying that he had instead had decided to move here. I knew that this decision wasn't based solely on my presence, but because he wanted a change of scenery and he was not happy with his job, he had friends down here....and maybe a little bit because of me. So I was ok with that and the fact that we might be able to have a normal courtship, as at this point, we both had acknowledged feelings for eachother. He moved down here the last week of July and I fell head over heels for him. I love how he smells, I love how it feels to fall asleep with his arms around me, I love how I can tell him anything, I love how he makes me feel beautiful, I love how he has shown me not to run from my feelings, I love just being in the same room as him. I love him. Yet, I have never said this out loud because I don't know if he is going to make it here. He is not happy. he has not found a job, he is homesick, he misses his house, he misses his friends and he misses his family (this is his first time away from home like this, we are both young, he is 25 and I will be 21 in about a week). Nothing has gone the way he thought it would from the moment he arrived here. He finally acknowledged the fact that he was considering going back to New York on Wednesday with me. I was devestated. He lives about 2 hours away from me, but has been staying at my apartment for the past week so that he could go on a few job interveiws in this area. His whole demeanor has changed towards me, he doesn't hold me at night when we go to bed, he doesn't hug me, or hold my hand. I asked him if he wanted me to back off and he said no, that he just had to work some things out for himself. He said that if it wasn't for me, he probably would have gone home a month ago. I don't know what to do now. I don't want him to stay here just for me, because to be honest, I don't want that burden. I have bent over backwards trying to make him happy, but I realize now, I will never be able to replace his family. I don't want to. I am rambling now I know, I just never thought it would affect me like this. He says it has nothing to do with me, my mother says that she can see from the way he looks at me when we are together that he is in love with me, but that he has to decide what he is going to do with himself before he can make a commitment to me. Has anyone here ever gone through something similar? Could I make it work if he went back? I don't know how I could handle being away from him now that I know how wonderful he is.....love sucks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Sat, 10-04-2003 - 9:31pm
hi! Well, I have been through something thats kind of similar. I met my bf online over 2 years ago and we met about 4 months later and we decided that we would like to pursue the relationship. Well after 4 months of meeting him I decided to go England to be with him for the summer and then go back to college at the end of the summer. As it turns out it didnt really work out that way, I stayed a full year. We both realized that I could not stay there forever (even though I had a job and everything was going well) since I needed to finish my degree. So after living together for over a year, I came back home. It was very difficult in the beginning for me when I first moved out there, I couldnt find a job for several months and I felt very frustrated and even wanted to go back home. I think we pulled it off very well considering the situation and we are still going strong, even with 3500 miles between us...

I think he should give it more time, it could take several months to find a job and get settled...I dont think he has given it a good chance yet, I missed my family terribly when I went over(and this was another continent) but I gave it a chance and it worked out fine. I am not sure why he is pushing you away, but you have to remember, if something is really bothering you and you arent happy I am sure it is difficult to be all cuddly and lovey dovey..so just try to be understand and see where it goes, good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-10-2003 - 11:18am
I think a healthy relationship requires the right person at the right time. Head over heels - and even being in love - cannot replace the need for both people to be happy or at least content with the state of their lives - whether that means professionally or personally - of course you can't ignore feelings but you can choose your reactions to them - for now I think you need to consider his best interests - give him plenty of space without asking him even if that is what he wants - you know he does - and just be there for him only in the way he needs you to - let him take the lead and the initiative to see you and spend time with you - be selfless as opposed to "but I love you and need to be with you!" - realize also that you are very young and these are complicated issues.

Also consider that you have only been dating in person since July - the rest at least to me was largely fantasy - it is only now that you're getting to know each other and it haw moved very fast.

Best of luck to you.