I don't know what the truth is anymore..

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
I don't know what the truth is anymore..
12
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 12:25pm
Hi everyone! I've been a lurker on this board for quite some time..I've always wanted to post but never found reason to. Until now. I've been talking to this guy since the middle of March. We have made plans to meet three separate times, and each time something happens so that we don't. We have never made concrete times and locations, just dates and then of course something comes up so we can't do anything. The last time we had plans to meet was last Saturday. He sent me a message on Saturday afternoon telling me that b/c someone with SARS (we're in Toronto) had come into his office building, his boss put them all in quarantine as a precaution. At first I thought that was a little sketchy, but since the city has gone crazy with this outbreak I opted to believe him. My friends and I were trying to figure out if he was hiding something from me, so on Monday, we decided to call the number he had given me to reach him direct at work. I assumed he wouldn't be there and then we could listen to his voice mail and see if he was the person he said he was. Well to my surprise he answered the phone! He answered it 'Jon speaking' so we pretended we had called the wrong number and we hung up. Later on he came online so I started asking him questions, about how he would get reached if he was out of the office and he told me he couldn't since he left his cell phone in the office, and I even asked him if he call forwarded his calls to his home he said he hadn't. Obviously I thought I was being lied to. When he came online later that evening I decided to confront him. He told me that I sounded so serious and asked if I would prefer to do it over the phone. I called him (this was the first time we spoke over the phone in three months -even though I had his phone number and he had mine for 2)I asked him if he remembered giving me his work number and to use it if I were ever bored..he said no. Anywyas, I told him what I knew. He remembered the call but told me it came on his cell phone. He even looked up the number on his call display. He said what must have happened was that after he spoke to me he called the receptionist and turned on his call forward. I told him that didn't happen b/c I called before I talked on msn. He said no I didn't, I said yes I did..to trust me. Then he said well maybe she just turned it on herself. I couldn't figure out how that could happen and he told me he understood why I would be suspicious, that he would be too, but what reason did he have to lie to me? I couldn't think of any. He also told me that his firm makes up only one or two floors of his building and only his floor had been quarantined. My friends called his office and spoke to a receptionist (without my knowledge) and she said that their office was completely safe and nobody had been quarantined (but maybe she was just trying to maintain their business). Anyways, we spoke for about an hour and a half and got along great. Later that night we spoke again, and I kept harping on the subject. He told me he couldn't make it make sense for me, he told me what he knew and that was all he could do. I asked him if I had his cell phone he said yes. He said he didn't remember ever giving me his office number. So I asked for his cell number and sure enough it was the number I had been calling. So he wasn't lying. That's why he kept saying that he never gave me his work number b/c he hadn't, he gave me his cell number. He says that to call him at the office you need to go through a switchboard. So fine, everything except for the receptionist telling my friend that the office was ok was fitting into place. He asked me if I was ok, said I seemed different somehow..I told him I wasn't...but now I wonder why he worried? Then last nite, I phoned his cell, and his voicemail picked up. It said you've reached J.B of and then his law firm and to leave a detailed msg for him. Who leaves that kind of message on their personal cell phone??

I"m sorry for the length of this message. But I need some insight. I'm very cynical of the whole online process and I think I want to beleive in the good of him but I'm having trouble. My friends say to forget him but it's hard. Three months is a long time and I have developed some feelings...please help!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 2:43pm
Ok, this is just my personal opinion, not gospel, but girl...there is something not right here. Why would he set up times to meet you and not, then lie about the office being quarantined? That is not cool. I would do one of two of things, demand a meeting with him ASAP, or if he cancels again because of Sars......drop him like a hot potato! He could married girl,or anything. Trust is hard to come by on line and since you two have been talking for 3 months, living in the same city, and he has not met you yet....then he is either lying, or playing games. I would tell him right away, either meet me this weekend or it is over. Dont waste anymore time on someone who cannot even tell you the truth up front. If he wanted to meet you, he would have by now. So, lay the law down!!

Gail

P.S. Goodluck and I really hope you keep us posted on this one. We have all had one or two of these situations. I wasted over a year of my life on a man I had never met either, and I ended up dropping him. Live and learn darling!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 3:39pm
Thanks for the reply. I can tell you that I also agree that something is off..but at the same time, his reasons for things do make sense. You see, he is a young guy (25) and works full time for a law firm while he is still in law school part time. So he is fairly busy. I have known this from the get go. As far as the quarantine, I think it was a precaution not that the health department told them to do it. So, not everyone abided by it kind of thing. But I know I am making excuses for him. I'll admit that the not meeting bit is a bit much. And I am curious and confused. But it's not as if he is hiding any personal information from me (that I know of) he has given me his home number and his 2 cell phones as well. He gave me that info before I ever gave him any of mine. Do I think he is married? No. He is really busy. His home phone number is his parents house. He always asks when I am going to be downtown so we can meet (b/c he is always at the office)Maybe he has something else going on with somoene else, if that is the case then I will stop talking to him. Also, we havent' always been in the same city. I go away to school so I just got back to the city a month and a half ago. The weekend I came back he had to go out of town on business. He has been out of town every week for over a month. He would come into town on the weekends but had to prepare for court and stuff and was busy. So really, last weekend was the first time we were both in the city at the same time. I have chased him more than he has chased me but at the same time I know he likes me. When I stopped putting forth effort, he stepped up to the plate. I know how it looks. And it worries me. But seriously, he may not even be lying. I do appreciate your advice!!! Please continue!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 7:41am
Your post made me dizzy - with all of your overwhelming mistrust (which may or may not be valid) I don't think this on line kind of thing is for you. And yes I think his message is totally normal - I'm a lawyer and am accustomed to being "on call" 24/7 and if I had a cell phone from work or connected to work that is the message it would have too.

Please leave this person alone and stop stalking him especially at work - you're going to get him in trouble at his job. My guess is he is married or attached and so yes you are right but you really are going down an unstable path- it's not worth it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 12:41pm
OK!Coming from someone who knows all to well about excuses and delays coming froma man online..you know where he works,or you have the number.If you havethe number do a reverse trace on it,can be done a www.freeality.com,then go to his place of business and meet him there,this is the only way you will know if he is who he says he is and the only way of meeting him.NO,you will not get him into trouble,and you can also answer all your questions.Take lunch to him,when you get to the office tell them I am so and so,here to see so and so,I brought his lunch.Thats a start,atleast you can see his face,if hes married?OH well!shouldnt have been playing around online or behind his wifes back!Also,SARS is in the news everyday now,if his building was quarinteend,it would have been the whole building not one floor.This I know because I am a nurse,and if it is on one floor you have to do the whole building due to traffic in that building andpeople going floor to floor.Yes,Ive dealt with lawyers to,also dated one.didnt get him into trouble when I visited.

Cut thru the bull! and good luck

Cathy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 1:02pm
I totally disagree with this. I would never let a man I had never met come to my office - first I need to keep my personal life personal and second he will then know where I work and that could be potentially harmful to me later - same in the reverse situation. My take on this - if after all this time he is reluctant to meet - for whatever reason - she should move on -

and as far as your view on the quarrantine, that is interesting but you really don't "know" just like I don't and she doesn't - and it is so minor compared to the rest of this bizarre situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 1:54pm
I feel like I need to step in for a moment and say what I think. First of all, I hardly feel like I am stalking him nor do I feel like I have in any way crossed a line. I have only called him once and it was b/c he asked me to, the time I hung up was when I called b/c I didn't have a chance to phone him the night before as he had suggested - I just didn't feel comfortable leaving a message. I called him because I never gave him my home phone number. I hardly think that my suspicions make me a stalker, I think that I am being cautious b/c anybody you may meet over the internet is potentially somebody dangerous. I just want to be sure that he is who he says he is.

As for the quarantine, well, I don't believe that it was a lie as much as I believe his boss just told them not to come in. It wasn't done by the health department which is why the whole building wasn't shut down. But still, I will never know what the truth is there, I just have to decide whether or not to believe him. I chose to b/c I don't know what reason he would have to lie. As far as the meeting is concerned, yes I agree that it is odd that he makes plans to meet me only to cancel. In his defense, we have never settled on an exact time and location just a tentative date and then he never follows through. I am just as much to blame for that as he is, but he is the one who cancels not me. However, I am sure that as a lawyer you could attest, that sometimes things do come up and for whatever reason, he could be telling the truth. The thing is that he is not reluctant to meet, I mean if he were reluctant he wouldn't make plans to in the first place..I think it would be better to say that he doesn't follow through with his plans.

Where do I stand right now? The ball is in his court. I am done putting forth my effort. I refuse to waste my time on somebody who can't make time for me. Messaging me everyday is fine, but I think after 3 months it is time for us to meet so that we can decide what to do next. I am young and do not want to waste my time on someone who can't fit me into their schedule. I think he is a wonderful guy. But just b/c he is wonderful on the phone and computer doesn't mean he will be wonderful in real life. I would like the opportunity to find out or else I feel that I will be wondering about him forever. He is also not the only guy I have spoken to over the computer. But out of all of them, he is the one who I clicked with the most, who I laugh with the most, who makes me feel good about myself and who I feel most comfortable talking to. Although I know that it is not 'real life' I feel like these are good indicators of things to come. I can't shake the feelings of suspicion but deep down in my heart of hearts I believe that he is a good person and that he is telling me the truth. I think I'm just letting all of the hype of bad stories and experiences cloud my perspective.

Either way, I have taken a step back and I'm going to wait for him to make his move. I'm done.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 2:10pm
I think you are right to leave the ball in his court - as a rule if I sense anything at all is "off" I will not meet and I will not meet anyone who is reluctant to do so or cancels several times. I think the call to the receptionist about that quarrantine was out of line and intrusive. If you re-read your additional post - all I said was you are going down a path where all your energy is focused on finding out who this person is - if you do not feel safe/comfortable meeting him in public for coffee for 45 minutes then do not meet under any circumstances.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 3:11pm
I think you know what you need to do and no I do not think you are stalking either. lol I think you just connected with someone, and happen to like him alot and wanted to meet him. Then, to think he might have lied to you was something you needed to find out. Simple as that. It was something you needed to know, so you could either move on or not. I know exactly how you must have felt that day and now. I had someone similar, that went out of town and I called the hotel he was staying in because he had said he was returning on a certain day and didnt.SO, I was worried. I called and to my surprise, like you...I found out some conflicting info. Deena, you may remember this one yourself. Anywho. I had to make a decision, since I confronted him and he was the same way....explained himself to a point, but not to my satisfaction. So, I moved on to say the least. I think you are wise to put the ball in his court. Let him bring up meeting again, not you. Just be friends on line until he is ready to take it off line. If you are willing to wait. Personally, I think you should keep all other options open and date others while you talk to this guy, or not. Just my opinion. I do not think you are stalking him at all. Just curious to know if he is being truthful, and there is nothing wrong with that. I wouldnt show up at his work and things like that, then that might be a little looney. lol Kidding. Goodluck to you sweetie.

Gail

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Mon, 06-09-2003 - 6:59pm
How could you possibly have feelings for someone you've never even met? Why are you chasing him so hard and fast? If he was really interested in YOU he would have wanted to meet you in person by now. You met him online in March and still haven't met in person? That's what I'm getting from your post. He may be lying or playing games, but it doesn't really matter because he is NOT interested in you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 06-10-2003 - 9:29pm
Excuse me? But are you me? Are you him? How do you feel that you have the right to tell me what I should or should not be feeling? When I talk to someone for so long under the guise that we are both interested in getting to know the other person, when we have met through a dating website it is obvious we are after the same thing...yes I did develop feelings for him. Not 'I love you' feelings, but I liked talking to him, we would talk to e/o and help e/o through our problems. I cannot make you understand this and I don't see why I am even trying. But I read your post and I got very upset. Who are you to judge me? Maybe he is not interested, that is something I will have to deal with, but the guy does talk to me everyday, he is just busy building his career right now and I don't blame him for not meeting me in person yet. I wasn't ready to meet him until about a month ago anywyas. Maybe I'm not like you. I don't know what your preference is, but I prefer to talk to somebody until I am comfortable enough with them and that it feels natural to meet. He did ask to meet me. He has asked me numerous times. I'll admit that being stood up is not helping prove to me that he likes me but I do think that he is interested. He talks to me everyday, when we talk on the phone it was for an hour and a half..he wouldn't waste my time or his if he didn't want to be there. I guess I'm defending myself to you and I dont' even know why. It just really p**ses me off that you would judge me and a situation you hardly know anything about. I am a very cautious person and I don't jump into things. I do not appreciate your rude opinions and would prefer if you kept them to yourself. If you had any advice that would be constructive or helpful then please feel free to post. But your jugemental posts are unnecessary and unwelcome.

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