I feel bad for feeling insecure

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2002
I feel bad for feeling insecure
8
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 3:58pm

Hi Gals -


Today is another great day!!!!

Anne
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 4:18pm
My best suggestion is for you to progress into this relationship slowly and take your time getting to know each other IN PERSON and in moving this relationship along. This is my opinion so take it however you want, but despite the fact that you two chatted for 2 months online before meeting, this actual relationship is VERY new - you have only actually been spending time together for 2 weeks. IMO, truly falling in love with a person takes a considerable amount of time together in person. It's not to say that long-term onine relationships and whirlwind courtships never work because they can. But I think in order for you to realize if this is the person you can be with for the rest of your life, you need to get to know each other by spending several months together to get past that honeymoon stage where you are running on endorphins and everyone is on their best behavior. Most people find that takes them about 6 months IN PERSON so your first couple of months doesn't really count. But if you are meant to be, you have the rest of your lives to spend together. Take your time! When you rush into these things, you can never be completely sure if it's your true feelings talking or the rush of being in a new relationship. Time and patience will tell you.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 4:34pm

I just read your other post, and if I'm reading it correctly, the two of you just met less than 2 weeks ago...but he's saying he *loves* you? Yikes!!!

I'd be insecure about that big honkin' red flag too! And sure, he's been loving and caring...but it's early days yet. You *should* be skeptical...it's healthy. In most cases, you don't start to see the real person (as opposed to the best foot forward dating persona) until you've been dating (in person) for 3-4 months.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2002
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 4:43pm

Thank you for you advice!!


God Bless

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Anne
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2002
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 4:45pm

Sheri

Anne
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 4:57pm

You're welcome. I know it's hard to slow down and be cautious when everything is new and exciting, but I just re-read your post about your courtship so far, and there are some definitely red flags in addition to him saying he loves you so soon (such as him introducing you to his kids so quickly).

I don't want to be a wet blanket but take your time and really get to know him, OVER time (in other words, you can't compress getting to know him by spending more time with him each day...you have to let time pass). I hope he turns out to be a great guy who just can't contain his enthusiasm but I've experienced this myself, and heard of this happening *so* many times and then the guy either disappears or turns out to not be who you thought he was.

What part of WA State are you in, btw? I'm in Seattle.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 5:04pm

When you have been hurt or let down as many times as I have, you tend to still be in disbelief when you finally meet someone who treats you well and wants to spend time with you. I am still dating the same guy for well over a month now, but a part of me STILL is waiting for the bottom to fall out of things. I was led to believe so many times before that a guy was interested and had the best of intentions towards me only to be disappointed and let down later. It happened with men I never dreamed would hurt me, so I am somewhat in the same boat you are in.

A part of me is really afraid to give this guy anymore of my heart for fear of losing myself emotionally to someone once again--that vulnerability is very hard to deal with. While I don't think the guy I am with now is a player, I find myself still unwilling to relinquish all of my emotional walls for fear of getting hurt once more.

The only thing that will help either of us is time really. I think it is normal to feel like we do and feel vulnerable and insecure when we have been hurt badly and deceived by individuals in our past. Each time I am willing to give less of myself before I am convinced of someone's sincerity. I do not think that is all bad necessarily. If we have not learned anything from our previous bad relationships (regardless of how short-lived they were), then we set ourselves up for the same hurts again and again with people we meet in the future. I am happy in my relationship with my guy right now, but a part of me is still cautious, and I think that is the smart thing to do until we have invested more time in it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2002
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 7:49pm

Thanks again Sheri -


I totally understand what you are saying and am going to slow things down and not run with my heart.


I live in Sequim.


God Bless

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Anne
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2002
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 7:54pm

Thanks Misty -


I agree with what you said!!!!


God Bless

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Anne