I feel like an idiot

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2000
I feel like an idiot
11
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 10:05am

I met this guy off eharmony, we talked back and forth by e-mail/eharmony until last week, we hadn't talked to each other since January 30th. Well, he wanted or what I thought he wanted was what my goals are in life. Well, he is acting weird now. I made the mistake of being intimate with him. Now I am the one sitting here crying. He gave me the cold shoulder last night, I called him. I never call him, but he didn't call me last night and there had been stormy rainy weather in the area with a lot of accidents and I was worried about him.

WELL - I am an idiot, obviously, I have ran him off. I hate dating. I never know what to do and I never get the good end of the "stick", lol. I must come off as a needy idiot. I thought he was different. Have not heard from him today. Usually he instant messages me a lot, and calls me each night. Now nothing. What is wrong with men? I am not a whore, I feel like one now.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 10:41am

OK, I'm confused on timing and stuff.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2005
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 11:47am

Hi christine.
I'm not sure if I understand things right: had you two not communicated since Jan 30 or since last week? If since Jan 30, what made you call him recently? Were you intimate with him recently, or was it around Jan 30? A bit confused...

I think you're being too hard on yourself. You are not an idiot and you're CERTAINLY not a whore. Being intimate involves TWO people...it wasn't just you. Being intimate with a person does not make you a whore; both of you made an adult decision and chose to be intimate.

A side note: having sex with multiple partners, not being smart enough to protect yourself, and not being selective in who you have sex with is what some would consider being a 'whore'. I personally choose not to use those kinds of pejorative labels; I call it being irresponsible.

I digress...now, if you believe that it was a mistake for you to be intimate with him so soon, then that's ok; you made a mistake. We're supposed to learn from our mistakes, and make efforts not to repeat them....beating yourself up about it won't make you feel better.

Basically, if the guy is truly blowing you off, then you'll have to move on and try to not feel like it's something you did. Do you think it's possible that you're feeling so badly because you two were intimate? Often times, women have feelings of guilt for having sex soon after meeting a man. Any inkling of being ignored, and the woman runs with thoughts of "he thinks I'm a whore". As the other poster said, it hasn't been that long if you just called him last night. However, if you don't hear from him by the end of the weekend, consider him a jerk and try to move on. It's his loss....

Hope this helps
Mali

Edited 4/27/2007 11:49 am ET by mali2579




Edited 4/27/2007 11:59 am ET by mali2579
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2000
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 12:09pm

Hello, everyone. I met him November/December 2006 on eharmony. We chatted back and forth until January 30, 2007. I had not heard from him until April 16, 2007. We met in person on April 19, 2007. April 21, 2007, we went on a date/out to eat. We were intimate. We talked again up until April 25th. I went to see him and we watched movies at his house. We ended up having sex. I called him last night like I said in previous post. I was worried about him. He is so sweet and nice, he and I complement each other so well. He said having sex with me didn't matter. He said we were moving too fast after we had sex the first time and then has sex the second time. I told him we don't have to have sex all of the time.

I have been out of work, this has caused friction at home ( I live with family), maybe he just doesn't want to deal with me because of these reasons? I am a competent person, I was offered a position today!!! I have a job, things will get better at home, but if I never talk to this man again, this sucks. I have plans for life, I guess I will just go back to those plans and move on. He offered to always be there for me, but where is he? He said to call him, come over we can go out to eat, talk, take a walk, etc. What the hell is going on?! Where the hell is he?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 12:18pm

How do you know he's "sweet and nice"? You barely know the man. And a lot of men say all kinds of stuff they don't mean early on in the dating process, because they think it's what you want to hear. Savvy women take everything that's said early on with a HUGE grain of salt.

If you are going to risk having sex with someone that quickly, you need to be prepared for him to not turn out to be the way you think he is. The choice is an individual one of course but you need to be prepared if you're going to take that risk. And talking online is NOT the same as getting to know someone in person through dates, so if you're thinking you "know" him because you talked online for so long, that's not a correct conclusion to draw.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2005
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 12:27pm

Hey Christine. Thanks for clearing that up for me.
I understand you being upset. It seems as though you've become emotionally attached to this man rather quickly, especially with him making statements such as, "I'll always be there for you..." Honestly, hun, there isn't much you can do but see if he calls. If he calls you, then you have the opportunity to talk to him. However, you can't make him talk to you if he chooses not to. There could be several reasons why he may not call you; it's hard to tell. You said that he said that you two were moving too quickly...did he make the effort to slow things down?

As far as your situation, being unemployed and such, this is not a reason for him to all of a sudden blow you off. Again, all you can do at this point is prepare yourself to move on. If he's the kind of guy to do a thing like this, would you want to be with him?

I hope you're able to find comfort in the supportive posts on this board. Many people have experienced disappointment such as this, and they've been able to move on from it and take it as a lesson learned. I hope you can do the same.

Mali




Edited 4/27/2007 12:28 pm ET by mali2579
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2000
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 12:28pm

Well, I am not too savvy. I am pretty dumb on dating. That would explain why I am 30 divorced, single mom and the father of my son (ex-husband) had a girlfriend and ran off with her while I was prego. Plus, I live with my parents, because my ex-hubbie made me lose my job which snowballed into losing my apartment, and having him empty my bank account and ruin my credit! So, I must appear as such a wonderful catch (sorry being sarcastic!) lol

More and more I am thinking, screw dating. I just get screwed!

Thank you all for your advice, I appreciate it.

Christy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2000
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 12:36pm

I have learned a BIG lesson. I don't think I am ready to date. If I choose to date, I keep feeling bad about msyelf. I think it is gone the pain I have from the past, but it creeps back up. I need to be strong again, it is a long road.

(((HUGS)))

Christy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 1:57pm

OK, based on this I see it that either he was

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 5:50pm
You are not dumb, don't refer to yourself in those terms. You just made mistakes like a lot of us tend to do in our 20s. These kinds of events and choices in the past that are not good ones make us grow as people and we learn lessons from them. No one is perfect and we all mess up sometimes, but that's what makes all of us human. The thing to do now is to pick up the pieces and move forward and to make better choices in dating in the future. At least you are aware of things, some people go through life blindly not even realizing or learning from their mistakes. Good luck to you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 6:08pm
You know what Sweetie? You are NOT dumb. Its all part of the learning curve of life & dating. You are a STRONG single mom who is doing what she needs to do to get her life on track for her priority in life, her kiddo. So ... you maybe made a wrong move, stupid choice, WHATever, in looking for some affection. We have all (well, most of us) haev done that at some point.

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