I give up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
I give up.
11
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 7:14pm

So I finally found one guy on match.com who didn't disappear shortly after I agreed to meet him. I had a very nice meet-n-greet lunch on Monday. The problem was that he liked me an awful lot more than I liked him. I mean, I thought he was a nice guy but he stirred no emotions. I was willing to go out with him again, but then he started talking not only about the next date but the one after that and all the fun we would have in the future, etc. etc. It was too soon. I don't want to lead this poor lonely guy on.

Meanwhile, a guy I was really interested in, who had been exchanging two and three page e-mails with me every 24 hours for almost a week suddenly stopped writing. It was really surprising because it came right after he gave me his regular (not match.com) e-mail, his name, his IM. He said he was "looking forward to hearing from me." I replied within the same timespan as before, but I e-mailed the regular address instead of going through match. I gave him my e-mail address and my IM. Silence.

I suppose I can feel good that I don't treat people like that. After I've exchanged a couple of e-mails with a guy and I am not interested I reply briefly (one or two sentences) explaining that I don't want to continue the communication because of X (some polite, partly true, brief reason) but that I have enjoyed our communication and wish him well. Any guy who doesn't do as much for me doesn't deserve my being upset when he decides to disappear.

Elsa

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: elarisa
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 12:43am

I'm sorry you've had some bad luck. If it were me, I'd probably email the guy who disappeared one more time through match just to make sure I hadn't gotten his regular email address wrong...but I probably give too much benefit of the doubt sometimes ;-).

I'm starting a 90 day online dating hiatus tomorrow so I'm right there with you on giving up ;-)!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
In reply to: elarisa
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 1:11am

Actually I did that--wrote to his match e-mail yesterday--and I had no reply after more than 24 hours even though it said that he had been there within 24 hours. So I was sure it was just another version of, "Now that I have ascertained that she is interested, I better flee."

But I was premature. I just got an e-mail from him in reply to the msg on match. He says he didn't get my other e-mail. Thing is, he just wrote to me from the same address that I e-mailed the missing msg---so I don't know. Could be he lost track of the time for replying and is now pretending he didn't get the message.

I'm not usually this paranoid--it's just I've had a parade of guys on Match who disappeared at some point after they got me to agree to see them or whatever.

I really shouldn't complain about the guy that I did meet. It is not his fault that I didn't find him as attractive as he found me. And I can't fault him for being over-enthusiastic. It should be flattering.

Anyway, I will see how this guy who I like (in writing) acts in the next week or so, but I am not actively going to pursue any other matches because I am really tired of the whole thing. Who needs this constant anxiety?

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2006
In reply to: elarisa
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 3:03pm
I think it is so hard and so difficult to sit behind a screen and think well maybe this is the one for me. I am much older than most of you here, dating just scares the you know what out of me. I am on a dating site her in the mid west.The choices are downright slim. I have talked to a few but they have had such bad experiances that they either quit after a while or bring up the fact that someguy started to talk about sex.Maybe its my age 55 ouch.Has there ever been a survey about relationships on the web that made it
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
In reply to: elarisa
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 12:08pm

I'm 50, so I know what you mean about age.

The impression I have of online dating is that because it is so easy to post a profile it encourages a lot of people to get started who, for one reason or another, do not want to follow through.

In any case, I am really tired/discouraged. I have closed down my match profile for the moment. I may reopen it eventually with a header: Friends Wanted: No Romance! and see what happens, but I am not going to talk to any guys who say they are looking for "the one." I don't want to lead anyone on, and I also don't want to be "led on." It is better to keep expectations realistic.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2006
In reply to: elarisa
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 9:04pm
Last night i had agreed to met someone at a very well know bar, all night and i mean all night she drank herself to a stuper, and all night talked about her breakup of a few months ago. Someone please help me understand this dating mess, before i join the priest hood
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
In reply to: elarisa
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 11:27pm
LOL - if we understood, we wouldn't be out here!
heather 5-18-10
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
In reply to: elarisa
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 10:10am
This reply is really for the last two messages. I was interested to see some messages from those of us doing OLD in our 50's. As an aside since we are the fastest growing segment of OLD'ers maybe there should be a separate message board for us to commiserate/relate on. I can understand your wanting to take a break for a while. I found myself getting too wrapped up in the process for a while too. I told myself I wouldn't check the site unless I got a message that someone else had contacted me first. A few days later I was contacted and so far things are going at a very nice pace. So I guess my advice is do whatever feels right for you. This whole thing is a numbers game. I just think of it as every profile I have reviewed or has reviewed me increases the odds of finding someone who is a really right match. As far as the dating scene scaring you. Just keep doing it. It gets a lot easier and more fun. I have really learned a lot about myself in the process and even if I don't find THE ONE I really like being with myself a lot more as a result. Keep trying if that's what you really want.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
In reply to: elarisa
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 4:51pm

You know, I too was thinking that a message board for "dating after fifty" (not necessarily OLD but any kind of dating) would be nice to have.

Regarding your point about "each profile seen increases the odds of meeting the right person," I think you are right. And I will add that if we didn't participate in OLD we would perhaps have fewer disappointments, but we also would have fewer hopes.

The thing for me is that I am really NOT looking for "the one." I am looking for a few male friends who are good company with whom I can go out and do fun things. If such a friendship develops into something more, that would be lovely, but I am not sure I am ready for that right away.

I'm keeping my match profile invisible for a while and just e-mailing with one guy. This is the guy I thought was suddenly dropping me but who showed up again saying that he had not gotten my e-mail. I am still not convinced that he isn't making it up as an excuse, but he's been okay about e-mailing since then and also we've talked on IM a few times. It may not lead to a date (he may be one of those OLD guys who just want penpals) but it is fun in itself.

Also, in real life I have run into a guy who seems sort of interested. (We've been casual acquaintances for years. He recently found out that I'd been divorced and he's been suggesting platonic gettogethers--coffee after work one day, lunch another. Each pays his/her own tab, no overt flirting.) It's the sort of thing that could happen between two people w/out romantic interest. But he began suggesting it only after he found out I was divorced. So who knows. Nothing may come of it. But it makes me feel less like OLD is the only way.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
In reply to: elarisa
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 4:58pm
Regarding the date that drank herself into a stupor while talking about her break up, there are sure a lot of troubled-people out there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
In reply to: elarisa
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 11:44am

Don't give up! Don't let your successes or failures hinge on one guy, or two, or three. It's a numbers game and if you're serious about finding the love of your life, just keep on going :) I know it wears you down, but stay positive. We're all in the same boat and we're here to support you. Last night I lined up 5 prospects for coffee this week. That might seem like a lot to some of you, but I'm serious about finding the right guy. Since I'm a real estate broker, this falls naturally in the course of my day. I meet clients all the time for coffee, lunches, dinners, etc. while doing business. I take that time to get to know my client's needs, wants, and desires. It's exactly the same with my dating prospects. If we're not a proper fit, we move on. If things click, we move forward. In my professional life, I don't work with undesirable people because they tend to suck the life out of me and make doing business hell. It's the same in my personal life as well. I don't spend time with undesirable people either because I want a happy life and won't tolerate bad behavior. I don't let anyone waste my time either. Time is our most valuable asset and we need to make the most out of it everyday.

Best of luck to you & never give up!!!!

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