I got responses & I'm chickening out!

Avatar for born2luv
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
I got responses & I'm chickening out!
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 11:53am
Hi, I'm new. Your board was suggested by the CL on another board I frequent - she said it was just what I was looking for - advise from those who have BT/DT! Reading over some of your posts I see she was right.

I married out of high school, divorced, had a very long relationship lull, and just ended a 8m renewed relationship with an old friend last November. So I have very little dating experience, and I am just not meeting anyone eligible IRL.

I posted a couple of personal ads - on Yahoo and Dreammates. I was too uncomfortable to post a picture at first, so got no responses at all. Then last week, I found my courage and added a recent picture. Not even a good one, taken with a digital camera that is grainy.

But anyhow, since Friday I have already received 16 responses! I wrote back, and several have written back several times. Some want my email address, one already wants to make plans for a date and two gave me their phone number. I feel overwhelmed!

However, after reading your posts, I think I am worrying about the wrong things! I thought these guys were going too fast, but reading your posts, I guess they are doing it right. No, I'm not looking for a email pal either, but I guess I am a chicken! {smile}

Because of my online business, my info is plastered all over the net. So I am feeling very cautious about what info I will give out to these guys. I have a hotmail address I could use, that I don't use for anything else, not connected to anything - so I guess I could give them that?

But even if I call them, they will still get my number through Call Display or checking on the last number called. Then they just need to go to Reverse Lookup and they will have my full name and address. Put that into Google and they will find out everything about me!

How do I protect myself from the crazies and yet still get to know these guys? Am I worrying too much?



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 12:26pm

I do not think you are worrying too much.Being careful is the first good sign in this kind of dating.It will always keep you on the guard till you get comfortable and wiser.As you move through the emails and chats,you will know instinctively who is phoney and who is not(you could still get mislead)...But I would suggest,that you do not give your address and number yet.See whose profile you like,which matches with your mentality and then send an email to meet the person in a public place.A cafe or such....If you do not like the person,you can always thank him for a lovely time and leave as opposed to him having your number and bugging you.

Do not focus on one person if you want to just experience the dating scene.Treat it like blind dates and meet up in a safe palce and time.Ask them to meet you there nad take your own vehicle.Soon you'll be able to sift the good from the bad and the best from the good and finally 'The One'....it may take sometime,so do not rush yourself or worry too much.Be casual in your approach if you do not want a serious relationship.Give it time and keep posting over here with your experiences.I'm sure everyone will be able to help you in some small way.

Take care and be safe.Enjoy yourself and yet be cautious:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 1:07pm
Catherine my dear, you are right. YOu are in the right place!! SO glad you came over to us. We are happy to have you and hope you post often!!! Okay, first of all, you are very right to be so cautious. Now a days you cannot be too careful with the loons out there and there are lots! Some of the other girls here can give you their take on what to do and not to do, and I will just give you mine. I am divorced with two small kids, so you know I have to be careful. I would say, exchange a few emails with them and then if they want you to call them, fine. Before you call the number they have given you, YOU do the reverse look up and see if they have told you the truth at this point. ( assuming you know their name,occupation and where they live by the email exchanges) Now, once you see that they are telling the truth about the immediate info, I would say a conversation or two over the phone can tell you alot about them in a matter of minutes. I would definitely ask the important questions at this point.

Are you divorced? Do you have children?

How long was your last relationship?

Why are you on line or why are you on this service particularly?

Have you dated many people online and if so, how did those relationships end up?

What do you expect out of a relationship that starts this way?


Then, you can get fun with it and ask favorite foods, and all that stuff. I would suspect by this point you can decide whether you feel comfortable meeting the person or not. Then, it is like normal dating from there I would hope. Just do not meet someone who start anything with anyone you feel weird about. Then, you may not be able to get rid of them so easily. Be honest and up front with your intentions and should go well. I would just try to call them first and make sure that they were normal before I told them all about what I did for a living since you are on line with the business and all. Just be careful and be honest and you will be ok. So, again...welcome and keep us posted. We may learn from you, too!!


Avatar for jayecey
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 1:12pm
Welcome to the family :) I think it's important to be cautious and there are a many simple tools you can use to help you. You can get yourself a cheap cellphone plan for starters if you don't want to give out your home or business number. Forward it, you'll receive calls in and you won't get stuck with minutes to pay. When calling, use the cell directly. I'd also set up a hotmail or other email acocunt to correspond initially.

If you check, you'll probably find that the phone numbers you were given aren't traceable either, both men and women use some amount of caution when they first make contact. You should keep your last name and business name confidential until you feel comfortable.

Good luck and enjoy the dating process! There are a lot of nice people out there! Let us know when you're about to meet someone, we'll help you set up a safe environment :)


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 05-20-2003 - 11:16am
Welcome to the board.... I am so glad you were asked to come over here because these ladies do have the right stuff. Here are some of the things I do to help protect myself. I do have the numerous email accounts I use; aol, yahoo, hotmail, blackplanet, etc... where ever they offer free I usually get one and they all have the same name or similar to keep me from having to remember so many names. I have a son so for saftey my online name is Marie and do not give out a last name but my last name would still be hard to find me because that is not my first name. The cell phone oh yess that is always good, I use mine for most of the conversation. My work I say it as a general field not what company. Live general area, like on some personal ads it can go even by the town you are in but I use area like I stay in a small area but always say Kansas City, because it is larger. Just my few.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Tue, 05-20-2003 - 11:28am
Yes, Marie. Good thinking. I also tell only the area I live in, not the exact city. Well, I live 45 minutes from a maijor city, so I used to tell people I lived in the city, since if I met them in person it would be there anyway. I never have a problem giving my first name out, now my last name is not listed in the phone book of any type, since I live with my dad. I have only a few things in my name, but I was still hesitate about where I worked and my last name. So, yes you are very smart to keep info limited at first.