I hate IM (or do I?)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
I hate IM (or do I?)
9
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 2:42pm

So I am catching up on my e-mail this morning and I get an IM from my lunch-only-so-far friend (Let's call him Sean). We had a good conversation, very chatty and friendly about what we did yesterday, what we had had for breakfast, how we are both night creatures forced to get up in the morning by jobs, etc. A bonding "let's keep abreast of each others' lives" conversation, mostly initiated by him. (That is, Sean volunteered or asked stuff that let to my telling him what I'd had for breakfast, did yesterday, etc.)

It feels weird because we have only met in person twice and he still hasn't suggested our meeting again-- unless you count his offering to take a look at something to do with my car. He says it will take him about 5 minutes to either fix it or determine I need to take it to the mechanic. Since he works in the building across from mine, we actually park in the same parking lot half the time, and we'll just meet in the parking lot. Not exactly a date. :)

The problem with IM is that it is too easy. He doesn't have to take the trouble to phone to stay in touch. It doesn't *mean* anything, just that we both happened to be online at the same time and didn't have anything better to do than talk.

On the other hand, he did say (in the context of remarking that we had a lot in common) that he wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing because we might reinforce each other in bad habits. So it does suggest that he was thinking of us as a possible couple. Or maybe he was trying to suggest to me why he thought we wouldn't make a good couple. Who knows?

It seems to me that IM is a real problem here because it allows for easy, no commitment type of communication that promotes the illusion of cozyness when we aren't hardly friends yet. And it gives me confused signals. Maybe he wants to be friends, maybe he wants to date but is scared, maybe he just likes having another IM buddy. Argh.

Elsa

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 2:45pm

And that's part of the reason I don't IM guys I'm interested in dating ;-). If I've been dating someone for a while and we are exclusive and want to use it as an additional way to keep in contact, fine, but until that point, it just causes more problems than it's worth, IMO.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 4:25pm

Yes, I can see that. We were just talking in e-mail initially. But I use yahoo e-mail for OLD, and that is linked to yahoo IM. And he asked me if it was ok to IM me, and since we had just exchanged numbers and were at the "let's meet" moment, it didn't seem like a bad idea.

I'm simply going to have to turn off my "online now" thing on Yahoo again. And turn off IM also. Then if he wants to contact me, he'll have to phone or e-mail.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2006
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 5:48pm
I've learned not to give out my email address either. I'd rather have them communicate with me by phone or in person.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 6:08pm

I think that's a good idea. I use yahoo email too but I just say, sorry I'm not into the whole IM thing if someone asks me to chat.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 6:12pm
I don't give my regular e-mail address to OLD people, but I have a yahoo address that I use especially for OLD. I prefer to talk to them a little outside the OLD site before I actually give my phone number. A lot of times, the guys will use their work e-mail addresses with their full name and last name which let's me confirm that they really are who they say they are before I give my phone number and/or other identifying information.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2006
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 6:23pm
If I ever give my email address, its my hotmail address. But I don't care if they get my home number cus I figure what can happen and that was the only phone I had at the time. My building has security as well. But I don't give my number to ANYONE. Like this guy I'm going on a 2nd date with tonight, I gave him my cell number. He called and left a message with his home number. So, I didn't have a problem giving him my home number after that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2006
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 1:35am
I think that's a great idea not to give your IM information to OLD people. I've "met" guys through OLD and never actually met them in person or even had a phone conversation. It just turned into a LONG instant messaging charade that got me all worked up into "relationship mode" when there was nothing to get worked up over. Talk about mixed signals. Plus it's really a very bad method of communication. You can't discern the tone in which someone is speaking. Are they being sarcastic? playful? was that an insult?? In terms of phone numbers I always give out my cell phone first.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 2:25am

You know you can make yourself invisble, right? When you are on line.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 9:45am

Yes, I have set my Yahoo preferences so that I am now invisible.

Offering to fix someone dinner is something I would normally do when they do me a favor. But in this case I worry that, if he is concerned about getting too involved, he may find it a little scary to come over for dinner.

My problem is that I don't know why he is hanging back: is he attracted but fears rejection? Is he attracted but doesn't want to get involved too quickly with someone who is almost a co-worker? (This would make sense, if things don't work out, it can be more awkward than with someone totally removed from your work.) Or is he just not attracted but likes me as a friend? If I knew it was "fears rejection" I could be a lot more encouraging, but if he "just likes me as a friend" or is trying not to rush things because of our possible work relationship, the encouragement could scare him away.

Of course, my speculations may be completely wrong. Could be he already has lunch and dinner plans for most of this week and doesn't want to add one more commitment.

As I said, I feel comfortable asking him to lunch next week if he hasn't asked me out this week, and I will do so. Suggesting that this is to reward him for helping me with my car will be a good way of presenting it.

It is still very frustrating that he hasn't asked me out this week. (I am not a patient person.)

Elsa