I hate online dating!

Avatar for opal45
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
I hate online dating!
8
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 6:03pm

Hi,

I was here a while ago and asked why guys think meeting online means a relationship. Holy cow, what a fool am I! It's not them, it's me!! I met a guy through eHarmony and he's the best fit I've ever met. I'm the one who wants to dive right into a passionate relationship (buying right into the eHarmony soul mate thing). I even emailed him about my feelings. I told him he was on my mind and that I was trying to pour cold water on my emotions b/c I didn't want to confuse my eagerness for intimacy for feelings for him. He wrote back that he'd already made that mistake and that he'd prefer to take things slowly and see how they go.

Jeeze, even as I explain this I see what a head case I must look like. Is thie mistake of mine (emailing him) irreconcilable? Is it such a fatal error to expose these thoughts so soon? Or is being hard-to get the only way to make things work? All my life I've been accused of being aloof. Now, when I'm more willing and able to expose myself, I feel I'm sabatoging things even more. Any thoughts on the appropriate moderation?

I'm really not good at this dating thing. What a blow to the ego.




Edited 2/21/2005 6:25 pm ET ET by opal45
**gentle hugs**

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 6:15pm

OK, well I am confused. It doesn't sound like this guy dumped you or said he wanted to stop seeing you, he just said he'd like to take things slower, right? You were honest with your feelings and that you thought you were getting too caught up but that you wanted to make sure you were not getting too caught up in the whole thing. And he agreed because he's "been there done that". He seems to understand what you are saying and is just agreeing to take it easy and slow down to see if this is real.

I am also unclear as to whether you have met this guy in person (sorry, I don't recall your other post). If not SLOW WAY DOWN!!! If so, still slow down but get your feelings in perspective. A few dates does not equal a relationship. You might feel a great connection and chemistry, but you hardly know him.

So is this a problem? Hard to tell yet. Has he stopped communication with you or are you still going to see each other? Don't play hard-to-get but know that you need to be careful in this situation even more than in regular dating. You met this guy and exchanged a few emails and calls. You don't know him very well yet and it takes time to develop real feelings for someone.

Take a deep breath and take your time. If you haven't met this guy, do so ASAP! If you have and he still wants to see you, great! Get to know him and THEN decide where it is going!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 6:19pm

>>Is thie mistake of mine (emailing him) irreconcilable?<<

No. But don't try to explain too much- that will only make it worse. Don't apologize for having done it- being honest is not something to apologize for, only the TIMING of being honest is.

What I'd say is that from here on, just date, have fun, and try to not overthink it.
.

>>Is it such a fatal error to expose these thoughts so soon?<<

No, it shows that you are thinking he might be a fit. Yes, it might be a bit scary to him if you're already measuring curtains for your dream house together, but his response sounds like it's certainly not a "fatal" error to have said this to him.
.

>>Or being is-hard-to get the only way to make things work?<<

No, personally, "hard to get" women just annoy me. I don't mind if they don't want to jump straight into marriage, but at the same time the "Rules" thing is out of hand- if a girl was consciously as annoying as "The Rules" tell them to be, the only guys they'd have asking them out would be the playas who just want a challenge.

It's not "hard to get" that works. What works, IMO, is being you and not being a doormat but not being a brick wall, either.

Finding the right moderation in dating is like finding it in life- elusive. I think the key is to love yourself first, be comfortable with yourself first, be happy with your self first. Once you have that kind of self-love and happiness, the confidence in yourself is bound to follow, and you won't swing wildly from one extreme to the other.

Avatar for opal45
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 6:38pm

Thank you for your thoughts. I really appreciate them.

To clarify, we've been on two dates after the requisite communications of eHarmony. Ugh, I can't believe I've allowed myself to get this out of whack after such a short period of time. You're right, he hasn't dumped me but being caught in my honesty stings. KWIM?

In his email response, he even asked me out for tonight. But I have to confess, I turned the offer down. I didn't feel as though being available was the right move. I know, it's a game move but the bruise to my ego still shows a bit.

Thanks again!

**gentle hugs**

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 6:57pm

What exactly was the bruise to your ego?

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 7:01pm
Yeah I didn't follow that either -- it looks like they both are progressing quite normally.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 7:02pm

>>In his email response, he even asked me out for tonight. But I have to confess, I turned the offer down. I didn't feel as though being available was the right move. I know, it's a game move but the bruise to my ego still shows a bit.<<

Okay, well, turning someone down because you don't want to look available is pretty stupid, IMO. It's games-playing and ultimately that kind of dishonesty will find its way out and bite you in the butt, IMO.

I believe you're really overthinking and working WAY too hard worrying about what he might think. I know I'm a broken record on this, but it bears repeating: Nearly any energy you put into worrying about what he might be thinking is wasted energy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 9:28pm
I agree with vexer, you don't know him very well. Just take it easy and go slowww...
When you have this urge of exposing how wonderful he is, how much you like him etc. etc., just write it in the email but don't send him. (I have unsent drafts all over..) He may not be scared away, but he may wonder why so soon you can be so crazy for him. I don't think you need to act aloof, either, but you may want to think why you can like him so much so soon by youself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 12:29pm

OK, but I am with the others in "what was the bruise to your ego"? So he said he has been in this situation before and wants to take things slow. I think that shows that he is interested in not screwing things up by jumping into something too quickly and would like to get to know you better. I think he likes you. You gave him the perfect out if he wanted out. He didn't run so there must be something on his side and the fact that he "wants to see where it goes" is a good sign.

I also don't think that anything you said to him in the first place was all that bad. You said you really liked him but that you didn't want to get confused. He seemed to take it well and agree.

Lastly, STOP with the games. If you want to go out with him when he asks, go out with him. You are not being too available, you are going out with someone you like when they ask you. I agree that being TOO available is not attractive - so for instance, he calls you at 6 to see if you can go out in half an hour or you go out with him 5 nights a week including both weekend night, or you talk on the phone every night. Those things are being TOO available. But if he calls you and you go out - that is not being too available. That is taking advantage of the opportunity to go out with someone you like. If you keep up with the games, he might get the wrong message and decide that "seeing where it goes" is not a good idea because it is too much work.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo