I have HPV and am trying to date
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I have HPV and am trying to date
| Thu, 04-19-2007 - 2:29pm |
I'm not sure if this is the right board for this but here goes. I'm a 41 year old widowed woman. I have had two serious (or what I thought were serious) relationships since my husband died. The first of the two, the person cheated on me and I got HPV (human papilloma virus) from him. A month ago, the second serious relationship broke up. I am still healing and have never really dated, so I decided to try online dating for awhile. I went on one date--which was ok, but the guy was pressuring me to have sex with him. He knew before we went out that I am not that kind of person and of course I refused. I don't sleep around, never have, and believe in developing a relationship before jumping into bed with someone. There was someone else that was interested in me and I wanted to go out with him, but I let him know that I have HPV and that was the end of that--he won't even talk to me. I want to be honest and upfront about this with any prospective date and this has got me really down in the dumps. It is hard enough at my age and in the area in which I live to find a decent man, but, I have HPV and feel like nobody will ever want to be with me. Now I'm just thinking that I want the boyfriend back that I just broke up with. At least he knew I had it and we love each other. But the relationship wasn't healthy for either of us for reasons other than me having HPV. No, I'm not afraid of not having a man--I'm independent. But, I don't want to be alone the rest of my life--I want to get married again one day and time is ticking away. I feel like a leper or something and that I am damaged now and nobody is going to want me. I went into this dating thing with a good attitude that I was going to meet some new people, have some fun and maybe down the line something would develop. I am attractive and outgoing--I'm told I have a good personality, I own my own home and have a good job. Should I not tell prospective suitors that I have HPV? Should I wait till we start developing a relationship to tell them? But then they may have feelings for me and be resentful that I didn't tell them sooner. Consideing the amount of people that are walking around with HPV, people seem to be pretty ignorant about it. I am embarrassed that I have it--but there is nothing I can do about that except try to take care of myself. I didn't ask for it--I did nothing wrong but trust a person I shouldn't have. If the guy online had just researched it a little bit, he would have seen that I am nothing to be afraid of. I'm not some kind of infection ridden monster. And I'm not a whore either. I am a good girl and have so much love to share and so much to offer. I am so discouraged and depressed. What am I supposed to do people?

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"There was someone else that was interested in me and I wanted to go out with him, but I let him know that I have HPV and that was the end of that--he won't even talk to me."
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It seems to me that this is the essence of your fears- that you're going to be rejected because of the HPV. Let me assure you on that point- you're probably going to be rejected for MANY other things than just the HPV. That's the nature of dating. :\
Now, that might sound screwy, but it's really not. Let me explain. First of all, I think you already know this, but a guy who's not into you because of the HPV just isn't the guy for you. It's something I have a hard time scolding; if people want to make that choice for themselves, that's fine, and it's a fair choice.
I personally think it's ignorant; HPV isn't the end of the world, and managed smartly and properly it needn't put any crimp into your love life with a caring, loving partner. In fact, most of the STDs are like that- people have what I think are irrational fears of them.
I lived for five years with a gal that had oral herpes. I never got it, but if I did, you know what? Oh well. Tons of people- like amazingly high percentages- have been exposed to some of these things, like herpes or HPV, and the world did not end for them.
It must feel like it's ended to you, and it particularly stinks since you've already felt like the world ended once when your husband died, but it's not the end of everything. Much like what it takes to keep driving on after being widowed, you just change and adapt and keep getting up each morning and putting one foot in front of the other.
You CAN do this, and you WILL do this, because the alternative is to just curl up and die, and it's too late for you to make that choice; you have a hopeful, seeking spirit or else you wouldn't have tried dating, wouldn't have put an ad up for OLD, wouldn't have found this community and wouldn't have posted here. You have already created the determination somewhere in your heart that you're going to overcome. This is a good thing!
Now, for the more direct thing. Right now, in the dating area, all you're seeing is the HPV. You've blown it up to a huge thing in your mind. I'd suggest that you have to let it shrink back down to where it belongs- a minor factor in the overall matrix of "are we compatible?"
Frankly, talking about things like HPV before you're anywhere NEAR being sexually active seems to be putting the cart before the horse. I'd strongly suggest leaving that conversation until you have dated someone at least a few times and are getting to the point of having sex.
(A warning if you're kind of new to OLD- people who do OLD frequently feel like there's a false impression that there's intimacy with someone via email and phone chats, but the consensus is that until you've physically been out with and around someone, you don't really truly "know" them. Don't fall prey to thinking that just because you've had these long, wonderful email strings and phone chats that you've really come to know someone.)
When the time DOES come to start discussing it, in my opinion you should be very matter-of-fact. You say something along the lines of "George (since you're dating George Clooney)... listen, this relationship seems to be growing and going quite well. I'm happy and think we're getting pretty close, what do you think?"
When George looks into your eyes and says how wonderful he feels as well, comfortable with you, etc, you say "Well, I know we haven't been physically intimate yet, and before we get to that point there are a few things I think we should talk about. One is that I have HPV, do you know what that is?"
George played a DOCTOR, of course, so he knows and while he's a tad concerned, he cares about you enough that it's certainly not going to slow him down in his ardor for you.
Or, George was only after you for your body and dumps you. His loss. Hollywood jerk.
The point is that it's only as big a deal as YOU MAKE out of it. If you delay talking about it until it's too late and you're super-into George and if he leaves it's going to crush you, well, that's bad. But if you bring it up on the first date... that's bad, too.
I mean, I'm a guy, and I like sex as much as the next guy, but I'd think it was a bit presumptious of a woman to bring up sex and possible HPV issues on the first date. :)
This is all a long way of saying "Chill a notch." It's really not the end of the world.
There's plenty of perfectly good guys out there who know that it's not a death sentence, that while it's technically "incurable" it also doesn't mean sex is out of the question, and that you can have sex with someone who's got the virus but never actually get infected yourself. What's more, some studies have shown that up to 75% of Americans have been infected with HPV at some point in their life!
There's a great information site at http://www.cdc.gov/std/hpv/ that you can refer dates to (WHEN you get to the point of discussing it with them).
I know it's really easy for me to say- I don't have HPV that I know of- but it's really not the end of the world. If I were into a gal and we were getting to that point of maybe sex in the future, and she disclosed it to me, yeah, I'd have some thinking to do.
But you can look at this as a real benefit, actually; it'll weed out the weenie guys who're just chasing you for some sex. The guy who's really into you and willing to deal with the issue like a grown-up is the guy you want around anyway, right?
What are you supposed to do? I'd say NEVER miss a Pap smear. Follow your doctors advice on treatment if you have an abnormal Pap. Oh, and relax after that.
Over 70% of American women have been exposed to HPV and are carriers. It's all over the place. The only big concern is if you are like me and you have one of the strains of the virus that can cause cervical cancer. Most women don't. HPV does not cause any symptoms in men, although there are very rare reports of penile cancer associated with it. But most of the time, it's one of those things, the guy gives it to you, and he never knows it.
I'm like you, not jumping into bed with guys. I've been single all my life, am in my late 40's and am still in the single digits with my bed post notches, but one of my exes was a total pig. So I got it from him, have had all sorts of procedures for abnormal cells and am now very diligent with my Paps.
What I do now is avoid sex all together until the relationship gets very serious. HJNTIY is right, you can weed out the guys who only want to boink this way. And if and when it gets serious, I will tell the guy it is not a big health risk to him, but if he wants to be with others after me, he may want to get tested for it first.
Also, the virus is a lot like herpes and can go dormant in the body. You are not infectious 100% of the time. After my procedures, my doctor told me I may just be done with the whole thing, meaning I won't be infectious, but that I'll need to always have regular Paps.
I wouldn't sweat it. The right guy won't care. Plus, very promising news, there is currently a vaccine being tested that is for those who *HAVE* HPV, not just for the young gals that haven't caught it yet. So just relax, don't worry, have fun, date, don't bring it up and don't boink until you know he's the person that you can talk to about it. Then give him the facts. If he loves you, he'll stick around.
Take care!
Chick
Anymore, HPV is more of a general health issue than it is an "STD". It's not like AIDS, or herpes, or even chlamydia. I at some point in my life contracted it, and didn't find out until I first became intimate with my ex-husband (developed warts while he was away on business for a few weeks, we had just started sleeping together, and I was terrified that he would think I had cheated on him, or that he had given it to me...until my Dr. explained that I could have gotten it from anybody, at any point, and it had just shown up, possibly years later).
Honestly, once I got rid of the warts, in my mind, it became almost like it was no longer a sex issue. I continue to have paps to watch for cancer, but seeing as how about 75% of women have had it in their lives, I no longer regard it as a sex thing, and don't even remember I had it until I see something like this.
Even a condom won't protect you 100%, and guys rarely have any issues/symptoms even if they do contract it (and they can't even be tested for it, anyway), so your best bet is just to chill out...you may never even have to mention it to someone...the less of a big deal you make of it, the less of a big deal everyone else will make of it.
"my Dr. explained that I could have gotten it from anybody, at any point, and it had just shown up, possibly years later."
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An excellent point, and worth repeating. With some STDs, the odds are you'll know when you contracted the disease- but with HPV, and to some extent with HSV and others, you might NOT know "who" it was that gave it to you. It could have been your first lover and just been hiding, dormant, in your body until now.
Gal Blondie
hjntiy: "I lived for five years with a gal that had oral herpes. I never got it, but if I did, you know what? Oh well. Tons of people- like amazingly high percentages- have been exposed to some of these things, like herpes or HPV, and the world did not end for them."
Well, not that this was intended for me, but it does make me feel a lot better.
To the Original Poster, you don't have some hideous disease. I struggle with similar issues concerning dating since I get "cold sores", but in my case, so does little kids. I think for both of us, maybe we shouldn't be as upset/concerned over these things as we are.
So, you have HPV. It's not leprosy. It's not AIDS. You don't need to panic.
I haven't really researched HPV, but I will because I love to learn about things. I'm not sure if you would need to wear a condom if/when you become sexually active, but just research what you need to do to live well and do that. If a man doesn't want to be with you because of the HPV, just move on. Like has been mentioned already, all men aren't like that. Find one that cares about you more than the HPV. They're out there.
In my case, the reality is that a lot of people get cold sores. And there are men and women out there who would slather on a little abreva or campho-phenique and once the sore heals, feel nothing about giving someone oral sex. Well, I'm a little different. I don't want to mess someone's penis up. So, I will talk with whatever man I'm dating when it's time to have sex and make sure he's clear about "cold sores". For me, the good news is that I'm on suppressive therapy (yes, for cold sores) because I get them more than 6 times a year and it's embarrasing to have them on my lips. But, some really good news is that concerning having oral sex, I just read a study from the New England Journal of Medicine that concludes that the suppressive meds I take reduce the transmission rate SUBSTANTIALLY.
But, my point is, there are ways to live with what you have and have a satisfying sex life and loving relationship, so don't throw in the towel. You haven't been given a death sentence.
Edited 4/20/2007 7:04 pm ET by purity2007
what you are supposed to do is practice discernment when disclosing informationm about yourself. Somethings are not first date material. You aren't giving a guy a chance to even find out if he likes you before you throw something that he might perceive as serious or life-threatening right on him.
This isn't about being deceptive - that's deliberately hiding the truth. When to disclose things is just as important as what you say. Wait till you get a few dates behind you and give the guy a chance to KNOW you and for you to know him. And if there is reason to have a discussion about sex - then this will be part of it. When someone has had time to develop a feel for another person, they are more likely to take things like this in stride. It's kind of like saying "do you love me" on the first date - teh other person hasn't had time to even know if they like you yet!
the other poster is right - you ar putting the cart before the horse.
Toni
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