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linds8300
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
I know I already posted about this...
8
 Mon, 03-31-2003 - 12:45am
But, things haven't gotten better. I haven't talked to Brandon since Tuesday night (thats almost a week!) and I just am to the point where I can't do this anymore. I can't go all this time without talking to him because it hurts too much. I just got done crying my eyes out because I can't figure out why he's doing this to me. He tells me that he loves me and how much he always misses me....but yet he can go all this time without even speaking to me? I don't get it and I don't even know if I want to get it anymore...it breaks my heart every night I stay up late to talk to him and I don't hear from him. I don't even have anyone at all to talk to right now....no one is awake and Brandon certinly isn't online. Actions speak louder than words and his actions are speaking tons to me right now...just writing this is making me cry again....I want to stop crying over him....I just want to talk to him. I need a hug :(

Lindsay

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deena33
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: linds8300
I know I already posted about this...
 Mon, 03-31-2003 - 7:06am
Lindsay I think you are going in the right direction - that is "watch the feet, not the lips" - what he does, not what he says. I am sorry you're hurting - yes, love involves mostly pining, longing, missing and tears - that is, Movie Love. Real love on balance should be a positive, validating, warm and comfortable experience - especially at the beginning. As we all know it's so easy to miscommunicate on line - and especially when using super-charged words like love and "girlfriend", etc. There is something in you that seems to be bound up in what men think of you - if you feel desired, then you feel worthy and worthwhile and your self esteem seems to be hinged on what others think. I know, I've been there, and still am there, sometimes. Not a very healthy way to live and ironically, not very attractive to others. I met a man several weeks ago that I was smitten with on the first date - yes, he called - had he not called would I have been disappointed? Yes. Would I have cried - no - because I feel good enough about myself such that if he didn't find me desirable "I" would still be "ok" - better than ok. When I hear about this amount of hurt feelings this early on, I wonder whether it has anything to do with the love object, as opposed to the person's sense of self. Just my thoughts and maybe something for you to think about when you feel better - and you will feel better - very soon!!!
cl_bastphilliy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: linds8300
I know I already posted about this...
 Mon, 03-31-2003 - 8:15am
n/t
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kelstev
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: linds8300
I know I already posted about this...
 Mon, 03-31-2003 - 8:43am
You're right Lindsay...he's telling you exactly how much he cares about you in what he's NOT doing. I would suggest that you not even bother with this guy. He's not worth your time. Just move along with your head held high..don't even ask why he hasn't been online to talk with you. I have a feeling that you will though...please think about it before you do Lindsay. Stop giving him the power...no matter what he says, he will still continue with the behaviour that upsets you. So why not take the power back and be good to yourself. I think you need to start focusing on YOU...I know you said that's hard...but now's the time to start. You won't be able to change over night, but it's all about catching yourself in this pattern...that's the first part of the change...THEN to actually start the change. Over time, you will see that (as long as you really try) you will accept only the behaviour that is appealing to you because YOU are what matters. You want to be happy? Then you need to be around ppl who want the same things that you want. You can't change anyone, so don't even bother with this guy.


*BIG HUG*


Kelly

survivingdivorce
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: linds8300
I know I already posted about this...
 Mon, 03-31-2003 - 11:17am
((((((LINDSEY))))))))))))....oh, honey. I am sorry he is being a butthead. Well, just move on girl. Go out, and do your thing. Do not sit one more night worrying over someone, who is certainly not worrying over you. Also, when he does come back around and he will...just let him have it girl. Do not even give him a chance to make any excuses to why he has disappeared. Label him in a group on your buddy list, if you even want to keep him, as "Houdini." I would not tolerate him being this way. I cannot believe he would just do you like that. Damn. He is wrong. I am sorry girl. I hope things get better for you. Goodluck and if you want, give me his addy and I will roll his house. lol lol

Gail
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singlemom224
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: linds8300
I know I already posted about this...
 Mon, 03-31-2003 - 11:25am
I agree w/ Kelly ... focusing on YOU is the best thing you can do. I know how hard this is for you Lindsay, I've been there. I think you're headed in the right direction, "enough is enough, I CAN'T do this anymore". As for talking about it w/ him, well IMO I don't think that's the greatest idea either. In my experiences of such, I'd start talking to the guy w/ the intention of giving him a piece of my mind &/or getting answers, but never failed, said guy would turn into Mr. Charming & then all that common sense I had in the beginning flew out the window & the cycle started all over again. Like I said before, I HAD to take a break from chatting online, so much so that I even changed my AIM name (I hardly use it though anyways), maybe thats something you should consider as well. Keep your head up Lindsay, once you find that right guy where everthing just fits & comes together easily, all this will be water under the bridge.

Best of luck to you.........

~Stephanie

Avatar for linds8300
linds8300
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: linds8300
I know I already posted about this...
 Mon, 03-31-2003 - 11:30am
Lol, Gail...thanks to you and everyone else who responded. I did message him last night while he was offline and this is what I said:

"ok, i need to say this and i'm gonna say it now before i lose my nerve....this isn't working for me...i don't know about you, but I can't go 5 days in a row without talking to you at all, its like you don't have time for this relationship or something....its not fair to me to sit up waiting at night for you and then you never come....i'm not saying i want things to end because i'm so happy when i talk to you, but they have to change....i know your busy and all and so am i....all i'm asking for is at least a "hi" so i know your at least thinking about me because right now it feels like your ignoring me and its not a good feeling, i'm the type of person that needs to know that you care about me and that you want to be with me, i get attached easily and thats why this is so hard for me...its hard enough being so far away from you, i need to know that you at least care about me and want to be with me and lately i haven't been getting that feeling at all....i hope you don't get mad at me or anything for all this...i'm not mad at you, not at all, i'm hurt....i love you, but i just miss you so much"

So thats what he'll get from me when he signs online next time. I know I should just let go...but I can't. I want this to work so badly and maybe if I just talk to him. I'm giving him one last chance....and then I'm out. I know he doesn't even deserve this, but I'm weak...*sigh*

Lindsay

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amandaleigh20
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: linds8300
I know I already posted about this...
 Mon, 03-31-2003 - 1:33pm
Lindsay--sorry you are going through this! It's never easy where the heart is involved, is it? :o) I guess what I would do is, let him know how this hurts. I'm not sure if you have already told him that this upsets you, but if you haven't, tell him. Considering he says he misses you and loves you, I'm sure he wouldn't react in a bad way if you tell him that you need a little more attention then what he's doing up to this point. If he has such strong emotions as love, then he should be willing to do anything to make you happy.... If he doesn't like hearing you are upset over this, then maybe he isn't worthy of your love or attention or even the tears you shed over him! I just hate to see you get hurt :o) I guess overall is, don't settle. Don't settle for for less than you deserve. It's a hard thing to do but you have to do what makes you happy :o) I can relate to you so much it's scary b/c that's how I was with the first guy I met online..so I know exactly what you are going through if it helps... it took me a while to get this through my head -- "I deserve more" so just try to keep that in your head :o)

Good Luck sweetie :o)

survivingdivorce
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: linds8300
I know I already posted about this...
 Mon, 03-31-2003 - 1:38pm
I can agree with you on the one last chance thing. Lindsey, I know. You obviously care alot for him. I know how that must feel. It is like you need to know, and then you will be ok and officially able to move on. I was there. There was someone I was crazy about on line for sometime and he did that whole disappear thing on me after we had seemed to hit it off so well. It had been months that we spoke on line like constantly, then all of sudden....he was not there at our scheduled time anymore. His appearances got fewer and fewer. Well, when I finally talked to him again,(which ended up being almost a month or so later) he admitted he had been on line and just couldnt bring himself to talk to me, cause he knew I was mad at him for disappearing. He said it was becoming too stressful for him in his life and trying to balance out me and his son. Well, I was bit put off to say the least...since I am a single mom with two boys. I made time for this guy and his excuse was not acceptable to me. So, I simply would talk to him every once in a while, and friendship was all I offered him. Then, finally I decided it was way to painful for me to carry on with him, knowing something was not right about it all. To say the least, I think he lied to me about a few things. SO, lies just dont cut with me and I simply deleted him from my buddy list and never im'ed him again. Well, let us just assume he knows I have moved on, and he has not im'ed me either. SO, it goes both way Linds. If this guy cant see what a great girl you are, then forget him. It is his loss. Get that last chance with him to find out why, and then make your move. I hope you get the answers you need and are able to move on. I learned alot from that on line thing last year and now have moved onto someone who appreciates me as a person. Also, Mark gives me more of his time then I could ever ask from anyone. We do not talk on line much unless we just want to see each other on the webcam, but he is very giving in our LDR and I trust him with all he is. I am glad things didnt work out with the other guy, cause I wouldnt have mark if they had. I guess things are meant to be after all. Goodluck to you, Linds. Keep us posted.

Gail
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