I know I've done wrong...Please help!

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
I know I've done wrong...Please help!
10
Fri, 07-11-2003 - 11:42am
Hello I'm new to this board, I hope you will give me some advise as I really don't know what to do anymore.

It started all as a bit of fun…posted my details on a pen pal site and before I knew it lots of people wrote. With a few of them (male and female) I’m still in touch, friendly emails really nice I wasen't looking for a relationship just exchange emails and find friends.

After sending a few emails to this guy who I thought was really nice and friendy we exchanged pictures.

He really thought I was good looking and started to really like me and that is where the trouble starts or I should say where my lies start.

I’m not single, I'm married and with all the other people that wrote I’ve made that clear from the start but with him I didn’t. So I started with one lie and from then I just couldn’t come clean anymore carried on and on.

If I tell you the whole story this message would never end, he sends me presents, calls me, we write lots of emails etc. matter of fact is that he has real feelings for me, he wants to come out and see me. (He is in Iraq at the moment - American soldier)

I wont deny that I like him too but for one I wouldn’t live my husband and for second all he knows about me is based on lies, so even if I would want to meet him I couldn't.

I know I’ve done wrong, very wrong. I feel really bad for doing what I’ve done to this man. I regret but I can’t turn back and make it better. I wish I could.

I’m not looking for any judgment. I do that myself ever day every minute, I know that it is unforgivable what I’ve done, I feel really bad. It's amazing how much it hurts me and how I hate myself for what I've done and I don't even know this man – I’m just looking for some advise…

I don’t want to hurt him anymore than I have already (even if he doesn't know), so what should I do?

He wants to come out and see me very soon and in the last email I was trying to let him down gently but he then started to say that I would break his heart if I wouldn't want to see him now...

Tell him the truth??? I would destroy him this way and the lies have been going on since month!

Not write to him any more? I don't think that would be fair!

Tell him jet another lie why I won’t and can’t see him??? But what?? What could I possibly tell him?

Please let me know what you think - I am so miserable, I hate myself so much for what the mess I've created and to know that he will suffer because of me makes me so miserable. I have hardly eaten in the last few week, it's like I have a knot in my stomach because of this story.

Thank you for "listening"

Ari

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Fri, 07-11-2003 - 11:54am
Oh, honey....hugs to you. I am not at all huggging you for cheating, I am hugging you for being so sad and guilty about it. It will work out, but I will be honest with you....you have to tell the truth. The truth is best. NOw, if you continue to lie and not telling this man the truth is lying either way, then you are defeating the purpose. He likes you from the lies you have told him. How about coming out with the truth and allowing him the chance to make his own decision about you. Good or bad. All you did, was take his right away by lying about yourself. That the unfair part. Being fair to him, is telling him the truth. Letting him down easy is not an option now. You have lied to this man and being married, you are lying to your husband. You have to come clean and rid yourself of this guilt and saddness. Is there something wrong in your marriage that you felt you needed the attention of another person, even if it was on line? I think you also need to get real with yourself and your husband. Talk to him about how you are feeling. If you dont want to tell him about this man, then I would understand. I will say this, you are really taking a risk lying to this man since he now planning to come see you. I really hope he does not know where you live or your phone number, because he could cause problems in your marriage if he gets really upset with you lying to him. I would agree, you are in a mess right now. As bad as you feel, the noble thing to do here, is to tell the truth. Not just alittle truth, the WHOLE truth!! Let it all out and just let things fall into place. You started this, now you have to be the one to finish it. I know you are trying to be nice and not hurt anyone, but dont you think enough people will be hurt by the lies that were told. Just come clean, no matter the circumstances. It is best. IT is the only way. Goodluck to you sweetie and I know you have alot to think about. Keep us posted.

Gail

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-11-2003 - 1:33pm
It's because of people like you that there is a lack of trust in on line interactions - your story is so typical, it is boring. Just tell him that you cannot be in touch anymore - that there is a family emergency you need to deal with, and cut off contact. I feel sorry for your family and I hope you get help. Very soon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Fri, 07-11-2003 - 1:36pm
Deena, please dont be so mean to people. If you dont agree, then dont post a response. Its not cool to make me people feel worse about something, that they already know is wrong. I am was not saying she was right about it, but I at least offered some positive advice. I didnt just call her out like you did. I am just asking that you be a little more considerate of others here on the board. Thank you.


Gail

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 07-11-2003 - 2:27pm
Thank you Gail, you must be a very kind person

Deena

I came to this board for advise I know I’ve done wrong, before you even cuss me down I also don’t need your judgment as I am my own judge. As for feeling sorry for my family, you don’t know anything about me or my family so don’t even go there…

I’ve made a mistake and I realize that and I want to put things right or at least as right as possible, you’ve never made any mistake I suppose, well congrats to you!

If I would be a really horribel person I wouldn't worry so much about this man's feelings and I would have just cut him out.

Thank you again Gail for your advise, and I will take it and will come clean, I wont post anymore or come to this board but I really appreciate your help.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Fri, 07-11-2003 - 2:34pm
I am very sorry you feel you cannot come back to our board because of one post. I would like you to know you are more than welcome here and anytime you get posts that you dont agree with, you simply ignore them and move on. I am sorry you feel you cannot post anymore. We are happy people here and do alot of fun things. I wish you would come back and check us out sometime. Goodluck to you anyway. I do hope things get better for you. hugs!


Gail

(Sorry you want to leave)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Fri, 07-11-2003 - 4:31pm
Also, wanted to add...if you need to talk futther and feel you cannot here, please feel free to email me at twinklelitlestar@hotmail.com

Have a great day!

GAIL

Avatar for jayecey
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-11-2003 - 8:37pm
I'm sorry this has happened both for him and you. It doesn't matter what reason led you to be in this position. You know it's damaging.

The person at the other is a human being and does deserve honesty from you. You know he's going to be hurting terribly no matter what, you can't avoid that, but maybe, the truth will help him down the line. I say this because deep down inside of us, we do have compassion, and if there's to be a way for him to get over his anger one day, it will be because you have reached that place of compassion with the truth.

I would do right by him Ari, it won't absolve you but maybe it would also help you live a little better within yourself.

Good luck and please do stick around. Everyone has something to contribute with their experiences including you. We're a safe enough neighborhood and you'd find that most of the gals here are supportive and kind.

Jayecey

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Sat, 07-12-2003 - 5:17am
Oh Ari, so sorry things happened this way. :( But at least now you already knew that what you have done to that person is BAD, really bad.

All you can do is to tell him with no delay all the truth and be real HONEST to admit to him that you have lied to him all this time. For sure it’s goin’ to hurt him soooo much but you will hurt him more if you still continue lying or just disappear without any word. Then it’s up to him if he is going to forgive u or not.

We all know that – Truth, Hurts but telling him that , is the only way to give your mind some peace.

Good luck, keep us posted and stick around here. Hang in there and hope everything will be ok, lessons learned I’m sure…

~Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2003
Sat, 07-12-2003 - 1:46pm
Three words: TELL THE TRUTH

Tell the truth, apologize, learn your lesson, be done with it, and move on!!!!!!

You say "I would destroy him this way" -- I doubt it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2003
Sat, 07-12-2003 - 1:50pm
Hey wait a minute..... I see nothing but duplicity in your reply:

"because of people like you that there is a lack of trust in on line interactions" I can agree with this: she lied, people lie, and people get hurt.

"Just tell him that you cannot be in touch anymore" yes, the best idea.

"that there is a family emergency you need to deal with" and LIE MORE?????

Bad answer. Tell the truth