I really hate dating.
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| Tue, 02-06-2007 - 11:46pm |
My yahoo membership is about to expire and I am about to cancel it. I have had very few dates out of it, and none of the men turning up in my searches right now look promising.
I met two guys through yahoo and corresponded with at least a dozen --none of whom worked out. I could have met more guys--I have just not been interested in them and just let it go about meeting.
I have had 4 dates with "Sean," whom I met through a local match site. He is the only guy my age who has approached me through that site, but I've been propositioned by two 20-somethings including one who assured me he was "very discreet."
Sean has been ill a lot (right now he has bronchitis) so I don't know if the reason he is not showing more interest in me is illness or what. We were supposed to go out on Sunday and then maybe watch the Superbowl but he phoned in the morning, obviously sick. He did not go into work on Monday, but he was there today. However, he and I have only "spoken" in IM very briefly yesterday evening and briefly also this morning.
I think if he were more interested, he would have made more of an effort to talk to me yesterday or today.
Dating is so much stress.
I'm tired, and I haven't been doing it for long. How can those of you who have been doing it for years not go crazy?
Elsa

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I’ve always been that way for the most part minus when I was younger.
I think you are right that it's really healthy to follow our own intuition and what truley makes us happy and sometimes in doing that we have to take the road less travelled. I think for me, sometimes it's just fear of the unknown that prevents me from taking the steps that would make me most happy. I am very happy now with my current guy, even though it's far from perfect and my intuition tells me to stick with it, loud and clear. But on the other hand I have "wasted" a lot of my precious time in the past with guys that were not right for me out of fear. But, I know this now and I've definately learned from my mistakes and hopefully will be better at not repeating them :-) I also wouldn't be who I am now though if it wasnt' for those mistakes too! Thanks again for your inspiring words.
Hi Peanut
Thanks for the pep talk. The funny thing is that I don't think being alone is so terrible. I don't think that being single is bad at all. I was married for more than 20 years. A lot of the time I really enjoy being alone.
It is just that there are so many things that I can't enjoy alone! I like to eat out, go to the movies, go dancing, go on a picnic, go to concerts, the theater, etc. I do some of these things with friends, but it is so hard to get together a group of friends sometimes that even online dating seems easier. ;)
So I turned to dating because it is one way to try to have a social life. While I really miss having a sexual partner, I can live without that if I have to. While I would really enjoy having a compatible someone to share my weekend days with and snuggle up in front of the tv, etc. I can live without it. I knew when I ended my marriage that none of this would be easy.
But I have a good life. I'm just greedy. I want more.
Elsa
It's funny but this time around, doing Yahoo, I haven't felt I needed a particularly tough skin. I was sort of prepared for the guys who wouldn't answer, I was as much amused as annoyed at the guys who ghosted. And no one actually said anything nasty or made me feel ugly and unwanted.
What I have felt is impatient because the guys I was interested didn't seem interested, or turned out not to be worth the trouble. I have felt annoyed at the number of men who clearly didn't read my profile before contacting me, etc. And I have been frustrated that there aren't many good matches. One of the reasons that I am going to quit OLD for a while is that there is no one on Yahoo and only one person on Match (and I'm not subscribed to Match) who interests me.
I really am not looking for a great romance. I would settle for a little flirting or even a friends with benefits relationship if BOTH of us felt friendly and didn't want a "serious" romantic relationship. It's too soon after my divorce for me to feel ready for that.
I'm just tired of not having someone to go out with to dinner and so forth. Also, I find the process of dating very tiring and discouraging.
I think a break is what I need right now.
Elsa
Edited 2/7/2007 8:59 pm ET by elarisa
Thanks Sheri.
That's a good point that one thing about dating is that it is fueled by hope.
I'm feeling annoyed because Sean not only did not phone all day yesterday, he was not as available in IM as before. And he wasn't in IM this morning (for the first time since we started IMing except when I didn't go on IM to make him phone.)
It's sort of lke what happened two weeks ago, except this time he didn't say he'd call.
For whatever the reason (it may be ill health) he is just not that into me. And that would be fine if there were someone else to date.
Oh well.
Elsa
I just realized that one of the reasons I am feeling so discouraged is that the uncertainty of dating gets to me. I don't like not knowing how the other person feels about me. I don't like not knowing if I will see someone. I don't like having to play it cool and wait for someone to call (or not call).
This guy Sean-- if we were clearly just going to be friends, I would be calling him right now to ask if he wants to drive down to the new exhibit at the museum in a nearby town sometime this weekend. Because he is a possible date, however, I have to decide whether to call a couple of female friends and see if one of them want sto come, or not go, or else go alone.
I was feeling okay about Sean, even after he cancelled our plans to go out on Sunday because we had been staying in touch. I knew he was sick. (He'd had a cold the previous weekend, he had been coughing a little during our date, then he reported feeling worse, etc.) Then yesterday he went back to work, but he has hardly communicated with me. All day yesterday I kept my IM "on" whenever I was on the computer because I figured since he was recouping from his illness, I'd make it easy to communicate. We communicated very little, but, okay, he was sick.
But today he didn't IM me in the morning (when we were both on) and he hasn't been around in the afternoon. I turned off my IM because I figure that if he wants to talk to me, he needs to phone. I just don't think he will.
And I just hate that. I hate worrying about whether a man is going to call. I was supposed to be done with this when I married 24 years ago. It was not part of my deal with life to be going through the "Will he call?" anxiety at the same time that my daughter is dating!
What am I doing this for? I have a perfectly good life. I did the marriage and children act for 20 years. I did it well. I had fun. I came out of marriage without too many scars. I am financially stable. I have friends. I have a career where I am active and respected. I have a lovely house, a decent car, a cat to love. What more do I want and need out of life?
I hate dating.
Elsa
I'm in a similar, yet different situation. I'm trying to figure out if I'm "just friends" with a guy I met IRL through a social club, or if there's more there. I'm awful at reading guys, so I could really be getting romantic vibes OR I could just be projecting my crushy feelings & reading too much into it. But, I don't want to potentially ruin the friendship by making the first move.
I hate this stuff!
I know .... i too have said "I hate this part of dating" ... the "not knowing". The wait for a call, the ? of whether or not to contact someone, etc.
Yeah, and even when the guy makes the first move, you don't know when it is okay to make the second move yourself and when it isn't.
With Sean I have been sitting back and making no more effort than making myself available on IM. It is really driving me crazy.
I did get a brief e-mail this morning saying that he was really exhausted all day yesterday and can't wait for the weekend so he can rest, but he hopes that we'll talk soon. Since this is the same guy who told me he was going to phone me one day and then phoned me three days later because he was sick, I am not going to hold my breath for that "soon."
And yes, I know he's been sick with complications from his cold, and it is too early in the relationship for him to make a fuss about staying in touch when he is sick, etc. But he is just not acting interested enough, so if this goes on for a couple of weeks, I will conclude that he is just a friend and start treating him like a buddy--maybe even offer to fix him up with one of my friends. ;)
Elsa
I agree with SP too. I have a very good life, and I have always been very self-sufficient. I like being alone a lot of the time. (As you know, I am 51--not that far from the 54 where you envision yourself with your daughter out of the house.)
In a funny way, I don't worry about being alone when I am older. I know that a lot of women (and men!) my age are driven by a fear of being alone when they are in their "declining years," but I think I am so relieved that I am not going to have to be taking care of my ex-husband in our old age that the idea of being old "alone" is almost pleasant.
It is the "today" that I worry about. I want to do things that I didn't get to do when I was married. (My ex was a very dull man. We hardly ever went anywhere except out to dinner.) I want one last chance at feeling pretty and wanted. And I'd like someone to hug me (make love to me!) and be available for spontaneous "let's do..." stuff.
Still, my interest in having someone for "today" hasn't made me desperate enough to accept just anyone. And one of the things that make me cautious about a guy is that I sure don't want to get entangled with a guy who is not going to be good company in the long run. Been there, done that. I'd rather be alone.
:)
Elsa
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