I really hate dating.
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| Tue, 02-06-2007 - 11:46pm |
My yahoo membership is about to expire and I am about to cancel it. I have had very few dates out of it, and none of the men turning up in my searches right now look promising.
I met two guys through yahoo and corresponded with at least a dozen --none of whom worked out. I could have met more guys--I have just not been interested in them and just let it go about meeting.
I have had 4 dates with "Sean," whom I met through a local match site. He is the only guy my age who has approached me through that site, but I've been propositioned by two 20-somethings including one who assured me he was "very discreet."
Sean has been ill a lot (right now he has bronchitis) so I don't know if the reason he is not showing more interest in me is illness or what. We were supposed to go out on Sunday and then maybe watch the Superbowl but he phoned in the morning, obviously sick. He did not go into work on Monday, but he was there today. However, he and I have only "spoken" in IM very briefly yesterday evening and briefly also this morning.
I think if he were more interested, he would have made more of an effort to talk to me yesterday or today.
Dating is so much stress.
I'm tired, and I haven't been doing it for long. How can those of you who have been doing it for years not go crazy?
Elsa

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So the "Rule" is that if you want a romantic connection with a guy then you don't call him and you want to be "just friends" you can call him?
Is that how it works?
I have been looking at "dating" differently. I'm 53 and frankly rather not "date" but to go out and get to know the woman. I see wanting to date as the same as wanting to make a friend except with sexual over/undertones.
I have been the pursuer in most cases but I've told the woman to call me if she wants to get together as well.
Call me not being a classic gentleman in this game of dating but I approach woman more on a peer level. I look at it as we all went thru our teens and twenties doing the dating game and now we are ready for an adult way, liberated way of getting to know each other where each of us is empowered, each of us are independent, each of us have our own lives regardless and we each can choose to make the call.
I may be the weird one of my gender on this view.
Mark
You wrote:
I totally agree with what you wrote. I too am now in a relationship with a man I met online (through OK Cupid, ironically enough) and he's great. However, prior to meeting him, I was a dating machine for a solid year. I was on every site imaginable, I had everything that could go wrong on dates go wrong: I was dumped, stood up, left at restaurants, bored out of my mind on dates, etc. I think the key to "surviving" it all is to see the positive side...
For example, I got to know a TON of people. I've remained friends with a few of the guys I went out with, and you can never have too many friends. I know that during my really serious sprees, I was able to go weeks without doing any grocery shopping! I got to eat at plenty of nice (and not-so-nice) restaurants without worrying about anything except trying to have a good time. And, although there were plenty of men ghosting on me and deciding they didn't want to see me again, I know that I did that to plenty of guys myself... so I guess it helped me to keep in mind that it isn't usually personal, sometimes you're just not feelin' things.
I really do think the key is to think of it more as an adventure and not be so concerned with the outcome all the time. And, most importantly, try not to get caught up in the rejections; they are just par for the course. If you can keep a positive attitude (which I believe is something we all have the power to choose to do), dating, even OLD, is a lot of fun.
Good Luck!
You worded it perfectly, wow and everything you said is everything I went through – wow!! And, agree you do have the power to keep a positive attitude i.e. adventure of meeting new people, going out to cool restaurants or hearing their stories!! Stop whining/dwelling and start living!!!
Mark, As you know, I'm new to this OLD stuff. I only started around March of last year. At first I thought like you --in fact, to me, that's the natural way to do it. You make friends and if there is also a sexual attraction, you become more than friends.
But over and over I found that the guys I met on Match were a lot more interested in me if they felt they were doing the pursuing.
And around here I keep hearing that guys think you "just want to be friends" if you pay your own way, or if you do most of the asking out.
I try to play it by ear. I think what works with one guy will not work with another. However, I haven't been dating enough since my divorce to feel that I can always assess how a guy will "read" my behavior or how to read his.
All I know is that I do know how to deal with friends.
In this particular case, I got the vibe that Sean was a little intimidated because I am more ahead in my career than he is in his. And I decided (perhaps erroneously) that it would be better if I let him "court" me a little.
In any case, it feels as though with this guy being a "friend" and being a "date" are different relationships, and I have been trying to observe that difference.
I do agree with you that at our age such courting rituals may be somewhat ridiculous.
Elsa
Well, I personally LIKE the rituals and don't find them ridiculous in the least ;-), but everyone's gotta go with what works for them. I want a man who's going to court me, at least a little.
What I would recommend is not thinking in terms of what men or women are "supposed to" do, but rather what works for YOU, what feels comfortable for YOU. What works for me is some good, old-fashioned courting. You may or may not find that's something you want or need. But someone who's right for you is going to be a match for you in that (and other) respects.
Sheri
Sheri,
I would only want to court someone if I'm sexually attracted to them and at my age and life situation, it takes more than that for I want to be connected on the other levels as well. I have not met anyone that warrants such courting behavior on my part.
So with the women I have met, I approach as friendship creation. I don't bring them flowers or do little love text messages. I want to get to know them on a different level. If we both get to a stage where we develop this sexual-romantic attraction and want something more THEN I would start paying attention to Valentine's Day and other aspects of the mating ritual.
I guess maybe I have not met "The One" and hence this attitude/approach.
Mark
For me, I have to have that romantic attraction from the start in order for it to go anywhere other than friendship, and the guy showing romantic interest in me by doing things like calling me and planning dates creates an atmosphere in which that can flourish. Of course I need to be attracted on other levels as well, but if the romantic attraction and atmosphere isn't there from the get-go, it's gonna be dead in the water.
I think for you, someone who's right for you is going to want a "friends first" approach and appreciate that. As I said to Elsa, IMO it's not so much what you're "supposed to" do, it's a matter of finding someone who wants and appreciates the approach that you're comfortable with.
But I agree with you on no little love text messages early on, gag me, LOL ;-). I do like getting flowers though ;-).
Sheri
I agree that worrying too much about what people are "supposed" to do is a mistake. But I think it is also important to be conscious of what the people you are likely to meet see as "unwritten rules" or "codes of unspoken communication."
If my calling a guy is going to decrease his interest in me, then I am not going to call him. That would be foolish. If my offering to pay is going to make him think I am only interested in a platonic relationship, then I am not going to offer to pay. It's that simple.
I don't feel strongly that a guy "should" or "shouldn't" pay. I appreciate it when he does. I also appreciate having doors opened for me, but it's not a deal breaker when the guy doesn't. What is a deal-breaker is when I get the feeling that the guy regards opening doors, paying, etc. as "chores" that are unfairly inflicted on men. And when I get the feeling that the guy is counting the pennies that it is costing him to date me, I really get turned off.
Sure, I like to be courted. I also like it when the guy makes an effort to clean up and dress appropriately for the date. Sean (being a techie) doesn't dress up as much for work as I do. (Business casual is still more business than casual, whereas techies run around in t-shirts with funny logos.) When we've had lunch, he's worn his usual work attire. For our dinner date last week, he wore a nice sports shirt. I appreciated that.
Incidentally, I got an e-mail from Sean saying that he is still feeling sick but that he hopes we'll be able to have that date we postponed "soon." I find that encouraging.
At the same time (and we're back to the theme of this thread) it would be so much easier if we were past (or outside of) the "early dating" stages of a relationship. It is very hard for a guy to court a woman properly when he is feeling sick.
Elsa
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