I rescind my earlier declaration
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| Tue, 12-05-2006 - 11:45pm |
In another post I said that it is wrong to ghost except under certain circumtances. (I don't want to hijack that post, so I'm starting a new one) I agreed with Vexer in that after a few dates it is common courtesy to at least send an email or give some sort of explanation.
Uh, after further evidence I now change my viewpoint. I'd definitely rather be ghosted than given a much too detailed explanation. The guy who dumped me last night through a short, rude and vague email sent me another email tonight with a long narrative as to why he has decided to not see me anymore. Apparantly he was dating another girl at the same time he was seeing me, and he has been conflicted trying to decide between us. In the end he decided that since he kissed her and not me, it would be wrong to continue to see me. But - and here is where I wanted to reply back with several unflattering cuss words - he wants to keep talking to me just in case he later discovers that he has made the wrong decision. He wants to keep me as his BACKUP! And he was balsy enough to admit this to me???!!! I have no problem with him seeing someone else, since I was doing the same and we were never exclusive, but for him to tell me all this and then have the nerve to ask me to wait on the line for him??? Um...no. I think you can guess what my response was, and I am quite proud of myself for keeping bad words out of my email, although several came to mind as I wrote it.
I will never complain about being ghosted again. It is sometimes better than the alternative.

LOL - I'm sorry that happened to you. I don't mean to laugh at you but I AM laughing at the situation. That is just ridiculous that he decided he needed to tell you the long-winded explanation of dating another woman, kissing her but wanting to keep you as the "back up plan". UGH!
Oh and I will definitely clarify my statement! After a couple/few dates, I think it's good to give/get the "Hey, I enjoyed getting to know you but I don't think that we're a good match." or another I like is "I don't think this is the connection I am looking for." but it is SO not OK to go into gory details of WHY you don't think you are a good match, why this isn't the connection you are looking for or about the woman he is dating and decided to pick over you but you're welcome to hang on the line and be a back up when this chick dumps him. ;-)
I hope that you ignored/blocked his email or told him "no thanks". You said we can imagine what your reply was and that you were at least polite about it. Good for you but I hope that you made it clear that asking a girl to be his "back up plan" is not so cool.
In the end he decided that since he kissed her and not me, it would be wrong to continue to see me.
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WTH??? He must've been high! Since when is a man *obligated* to continue seeing one woman over another just because he kissed one and not the other? He must've sat around all night thinking of that one.
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WTH??? What a L-O-S-E-R. Now aren't you GLAD he chose the other girl and not you??? If she only knew!!
For fun, here is the whole of our breakup conversation. I changed my name to "Me" and his name to "Him" to protect the not-so-innocent. I did not sign my emails with Me, btw ;) Let me know what you guys think. Did I handle this okay? I have not responded to his last email and I don't plan to.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Him
Date: Dec 4 2006 6:30 PM
Me,
I’m sorry for the short notice, but I need to cancel tomorrow. I hope I can make it up to you… and I will explain tomorrow.
Talk with you soon.
Him
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Me
Date: Dec 4 2006 6:49 PM
No worries - I hope everything is all right. Have a good night!
Me
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Him
Date: Dec 5 2006 5:28 PM
Hi Me,
I’m sorry about canceling our date. I’ve been struggling with something… and I needed time to think. This may be too much information, but I need to be upfront with you. I’ve gone on a few dates with you and a few dates with another girl over the last month or so. And it’s like dejevu for me… I meet 2 people that I like around the same time… I face a choice (assuming I have a choice) on who to continue dating… a month later it turns out that I chose the wrong person. And the person I didn’t choose doesn’t want to talk to me anymore.
The difference this time is… I’m going to share my thoughts with you in the hopes that you will empathize with my situation and still want to talk to me. Here it is…
First, I think we share a similar philosophy about dating… we want to get to know someone before we start something more intimate (like a kiss). Second, you and I have gone on 2 dates and we are still getting to know each other. I know enough about you to say that I like you and we’re probably compatible, but it’s still early. Third, since it is early on… putting a hold on our relationship development would hopefully leave things in way that it could be picked up again later if we both wanted.
Lastly, this is probably where the TMI comes in, but it’s necessary to explain fully. I’ve gone on three dates with the other girl… and we kissed on our last date. It’s in my principles that after a kiss, I should stop dating other people so I can see where the new relationship goes.
I hope you understand my situation. I didn’t want to cancel our date for tonight, but under the circumstances… I think it’s the right thing to do. I’m sorry for saying this through email too, but I wanted to be able to get everything out… and it would have been hard for me to do on the spot verbally. I hope we can still talk.
Him
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Me
Date: Dec 5 2006 6:05 PM
I never assume that someone I'm dating is only dating me unless we've had the exclusivity talk. I've been talking to someone else as well and I've gone out with one other person since you and I have met. Right now I'm not looking for anything serious, so my philosophy is that I'm just going to meet people, expand my social circle, and see where it goes from there. So I guess we are on the same page with that issue.
It sounds to me like you've chosen this other girl, but if things don't work out you want to keep me as an option. I'm really not okay with that. I'm not angry, but I never want to be anyone's second choice, if it ever did come down to that. And I'm certainly not going to wait around, so the likelihood of things not working out with your first choice and me not being with anyone at the same time is not very high, anyway.
So it seems to me like anything that may have happened between us is dead in the water. You chose the other girl and if you did decide to give me another try, I would always know that I was your backup choice. And I think I deserve better than that.
I appreciate your honesty, however, and I do wish you luck in finding what you are searching for.
Me
----------------- Original Message -----------------
Subject: RE: RE: No Subject
Body: That didn’t go as well as I had hoped��� but I understand your point of view. The point is probably moot, but I didn’t expect you to wait around… or be a backup. That’s not what I was trying to say… although (after re-reading my note) it certainly sounds like it… I probably should have proof read for content a little better. More directly stated… I would like to remain in your social circle.
Him
Whatever. He needs to learn the meaning (and spelling) of deja vu. And he hopes you empathize with him telling you that? Interesting.
I think he did it to make himself feel better.
BAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!