I Think He Might Be A Fraud !!??

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2004
I Think He Might Be A Fraud !!??
9
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 2:55pm

I met a man online in a discussion forum. It seemed innocent enough and we still have a great connection (we have a lot in common). After 3 months of chatting and emailing and phoning, he booked his flight to visit me, sent me the flight info, we started counting down to his visit...everything was beautiful. Then, he suddenly disappeared for a couple of days (he calls me every day). A friend of his emailed to tell me that my friend was in the hospital as he had intervened in a mugging. I was skeptical and still am. Mostly because I was devastated that he had to cancel his trip. (He lives in England, I live in Canada.) We are both in our 40's, seperated, with children. Anyway, I also think he may have 2 screen names on our discussion forum as the only time his friend is there is when he is. Again, I am being protective of myself and skeptical.

He sent me a gorgeous necklace which arrived today. He promised he would re-book his flight. He does phone me every single day and he emails me at least 5 or 6 times a day. If I haven't written back quickly he writes to find out where I am. I believe he is in love with me, or obsessed with the idea of being in love with me.

I am at a major crossroads right now. He knows I am "unsure", but he doesn't know that I don't believe him. He knows I am very hurt and he has promised to make it right. An expensive piece of jewellry helps...but I am still not sure. What would he stand to gain by lying to me? Why would he spend money on me if he's "playing me"?

After 6 months, I haven't gotten any bad vibes from him until this trip cancellation thing...and I have gone into a tailspin.

When do I tell him that I don't believe his story? Or do I? Do I slowly just break it off? It's hard for me to feel as close to him when I am so unsure.

Please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 3:28pm

Sending you, whom he never met, an expensive necklace is a flag.

Agreeing to have an overseas relationship with a woman is a flag.

Who intervenes in a mugging??? Flag.

The strange emails from a "friend" who has knowledge of his wearabouts. Flag

You don't really have a relationship with this man, just phone calls and emails.

For me this would be all too strange. He could very easily be married. If I were in your shoes I would move on. There are plenty of great guys in Canada, time to find one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 5:22pm

You said:

<>

It is most definitely the latter. No matter what anyone says, you cannot "fall in love" with someone you have never met. You fall in love with your image of them but until you know if you can actually get along while in the same room, there is no real "love" only feelings of infatuation.

This guy seems like a sham. The necklace would scare me, personally. I suggest telling him to save his money and stay home and you find someone closer to your area. Do you really want to get involved in a cross-Atlantic relationship? You might care for this person, but honestly, how well can you develop a relationship with someone you'll neve see? You really hardly know each other.

Another red flag - his obsessive behavior when you don't write back right away! Good grief! Sounds like he's keeping tabs on you.

And why slowly break it off? That hurts everyone more. And it will keep you attached longer. I see dozens of red flags here. Either decide if you can put up with it or break it of quickly and block his email and phone number.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 6:38pm
Wow, there's just too many red flags in this story for me. I'm usually not the one to assume a guy is married, but in this case there's something going on. Cut your losses and move on.



iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2004
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 2:19pm

Thanks for your replies. All 3 of you mentioned the words "red flag". I'm curious to know why the expensive gift signals a red flag to you. He sent it because he wasn't able to make the trip the first time and felt bad....am I missing something?

Update. He has booked his flight to visit me. He has told his ex wife all about me and he talks to me when his daughters are with him.

I still have a few concerns, but I don't doubt how he feels for me. Maybe I am just having a difficult time because I don't want to be hurt and it's easier to just go back into my little shell and stay there!

He wants us to live happily ever after, that I am somehow the woman of his dreams, and he doesn't want to lose me. I keep saying that we have to meet in person. So, what now?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 2:54pm

Heck, the expensive gift is the LEAST of the red flags!!! Do you honestly not see how totally unrealistic it is for him to be saying he wants to live happily ever after with someone he's never even MET?????

If you're going to go forward and meet him, at the very least, have him stay in a hotel rather than with you, and take *EVERYTHING* with a huge grain of salt. A person who has feelings for someone he's never met doesn't have a firm grip on reality and therefore isn't a good bet for a healthy relationship.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2006
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 3:23pm

follow your gut instinct. They are almost always right. If I had followed my own advice I would have never married my xh.

My first reaction to your story is that he is a married man. Don't know you or him, that was just my first thought.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 3:35pm

I said it's a red flag because buying expensive gifts for someone you hardly know to make up for that AND sending it to your home which for a near stranger is somewhat invasive to me. But yes, I agree with Sheri that while this particular thing IS a red flag, what is much more disconcerting are his othe actions such as claiming he wants to live happily ever after when you don't even know each other, his obsessive behavior when he can't get a hold of you immediately via email so he wants to know exactly where you are and what you're doing (this is controlling behavior - imagine what it would be like if you lived in the same general area), his bizarre story of intercepting a mugging and your words "I believe he is in love with me, or obsessed with the idea of being in love with me." You cannot (or really SHOULD NOT) be in love or obsessed with someone you've never met. That's unhealthy and unstable. You yourself say he's obsessed with you. Is that the kind of relationship you want?

Also, if you are considering continuing this, who is going to move so you can live happily ever after? You can't continue a LDR forever.

There are so many things I see here that are not healthy. He would spend money on you if he's playing BECAUSE HE'S PLAYING YOU. That's the way master manipulators work.

Good luck, if you proceed, do so with extreme caution.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2004
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 1:47pm

Thank you again for all your comments and advice. I am almost in tears as I write this reply, because I KNOW you are all right! I have been ignoring my gut for months and living this fairy tale that has no chance of coming true. (okay, tears spilled and I am at work, I need to pull myself together here!!)

I am a relatively smart woman, except when it comes to love. I always make wrong choices on that front. Something about this man felt different to me. He was such a gentleman, so kind, considerate and friendly. He has been through a bad situation himself and over the 6 months or so that we have talked, we have formed a nice internet/phone friendship, if nothing else.

He says he loves me because he can talk to me like he's never been able to talk to anyone before. We have been pretty seamless so far, except that I was really hurt when he had to cancel his trip. He sent me a nice gift, he promised he would make it right. That sounded pretty promising.

He has re-booked it, but I don't believe that. I feel like everything he says to me is made up now. Is that me? Is that my protective, insecure self? or is is my gut instinct? I am doubting everything! I am wondering if it's me...or if it's him.

You're right though...if I am feeling this way now...it could never work.

I really apprciate all your help.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 2:00pm

He may well *believe* what he's saying to you...but that doesn't mean it's based in reality...how CAN it be, when you've never even met???? So he's not necessarily lying to you but he's not emotionally healthy, either. And in order to have a healthy relationship, you need two emotionally healthy partners. So he's not the best bet in that regard.

Even if he *does* come to visit, why not focus on meeting other men in your immediate vicinity in the meantime?

Sheri