I think I know the answer

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
I think I know the answer
17
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 8:31pm
I have been seeing this guy for a couple of weeks and I have really mixed feelings about him..
I like many things about him. But I am noticing strange behaviour.
He is younger than me and although on a few occasions he surprised me with how mature of a conversationalist he can but I feel overall he is just too volatile - mood swings and other stuff that a 20 years old would do. This alarms me to a great extent and I don't feel comfortable. He had taken his profile down after our 2nd date. On our 3 date he told me that he will marry me and I thought he was kidding but he WAS serious!
At other times he is very loving and caring and holds my hand when we are together in public and acts like a gentleman.
I showed him HIJNTITY book that I was reading and he got all mad and acted strange - he said that I shouldn't judge everybody by that book and I said that I didn't and I told him that he acts like a 25 years old kid and it was freaking me out. He ended up leaving but he did give me a nice kiss by the door. It frightens me how uneven his behavior is on the other hand if I cut it off - I will be sad because I do like him - I just am not sure how much and I know that he will be upset. I don't know what to do. He had told his family about me and we were going to go to his sisters for Memorial Day.
Sorry about all this rumble :(


Edited 5/15/2005 8:32 pm ET ET by ivos2004

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 9:38pm
Run, don't walk, away from this guy. SO many red flags ... UNSTABLE.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 11:44pm

Get out now ivos, before either of you gets even more emotionally invested. He has a volatile personality and even though he seems charming at times, that part of him is still there. I am not saying he is, but physical/emotional abusers and even serial killers can seem very charming. Take these clues from his personality and move on before you get hurt either emotionally or worse.

I'm sorry! I hope you find someone else - you deserve more than someone like that.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 12:27am

Yes, you do know the answer, so you don't need me to tell you. :)

All I will say is that I have dated someone like him (haven't we all? :) and in my case, after a grand total of 4-5 dates, I had to "break up" with him 3 times! It was all very strange. I know how you feel. He seems like a great guy, and the attention is very flattering - but re-read your own post. The situation is making you uncomfortable - don't ignore that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2005
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 6:04am
You are a smart woman, you know what to do. Just do it without your son around. Call the cops if you need to. There's a reason why you're uncomfortable, do not ignore that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 10:39am

I am not saying also that he is an abusiver person, but there are huge red flags whippin in the wind here:

Quick attachment he's already told you he wants to seriously marry you.

Mood swings of zero to 60 in less than 10 seconds.

Jealosy over a book.

Extremely charming to almost a fault.

Run don't walk to the nearest exit. You really don't want your son around this. It will get worse and yes you may need a restraining order depending on how volatile he is. I speak from experience as a abused woman on this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 1:03pm
I am so pathetic.. I sent him an e-mail this morning basically telling him that it's better that we don't see each other. He called me back and we had a long talk and I feel like a piece of crap. I know that it's pathetic to do this over e-mail. He said that he genuinely cared for me and we talked about some other stuff that I was worried and he said that he doesn't know if he can ever measure up to my expectations of him. I felt really bad because I think I might have been wrong about him. So I asked him if he can forgive the e-mail and if we can somehow pass this and he said that he doesn't know and he doesn't really knows how he feels anymore. So there you go.. Sometimes I feel like he was the most genuine and vulnerable person I ever known and sometime I just get frustrated with him. I know that he is younger and in a different social/economic group, his parents are divorced and he was shoved back and forth, I know he has a big extended family that he is close too, I know he is melancholic sometimes.. I just don't know what to do anymore :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 1:19pm

Hi... I can't tell you for sure what to do, but what this sounds like, is that he has made you feel uncomfortable and you told him so and then he turned it around to make it as if you were the bad guy. Sounds a little manipulative. You haven't been with this guy long at all and saying things by e-mail is perfectly fine. Even if you think that it was a little "coward" I don't think it is considering how he made you feel on the phone talking about it...

Stick to your guns!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 1:32pm

I don't mean this harshly but there is no need for you to be this man's therapist( and deal with all of his issues) so do not make yourself feel guilty about having to make a decision. You had legitimate reasons for wanting to end things, you didn't want to stop seeing him because he was a bad dresser or because his hair looked funny one day or because you are too picky. You wanted to stop seeing him because he made you uncomfortable and his actions scream something to you along the lines of unstable. Too many people (especially women) always undermine their own intelligence by convincing themselves that a man just needs another chance or that they can fix someone by sticking it out. Too often women don't know when to quit, I have been guilty of this too. Not saying you don't have issues in every relationship to work through but sometimes women need to know when enough is enough and when to walk away.

This guy sounds something along the lines of bi-polar or has depression, he needs a therapist for these kinds of things, not a girlfriend. This man is not your child so you do not have these inate responsibility for taking care of him as harsh as it sounds. Bottom line, do not guilt yourself into sticking with this relationship when you felt so strongly (and legitimately) about breaking things off.

Tell him straight up that it is over and do not talk to him further, otherwise it just gets muddled up. Walk away, this man has major issues.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 2:55pm

Thank you everyone for the words of advice.
I am very confused about the situation and I am so affraid to make the wrong decision.
This is the latest I have gotten from him, it make sense - maybe it's me that needs therapy? :

<<"If you say that you are not sure anymore - does that mean that you want to
think everything over and need time to be by yourself or does it means that
you can never go pass what happened this morning?"

It means that I would like for both of us to maybe take a step back and
think about what we are really looking for in this relationship, and what we
need from that other person in order to make it work, and whether or not it
is worth it to continue from this point on.

Sometime I'm not really sure what to think about the things you say, like
when you mention that you like your space and privacy but when I basically
say the same thing you see that as me being uncommitted.

I think that you are a very beautiful, smart, sensitive women, and I find
myself very attracted to you in several different ways, but I was upset with
the way you handled this "break-up" this morning. I'm not perfect and
I
apologized for my actions yesterday, but I felt like I was being dismissed
because of my age, and you said that you don't even think about that but you
used it against me, and that wasn't cool. Now if you weren't being serious
and that is just your personality then that is something I will have to get
used to, but if you really feel that way then I need to know.>>

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 3:07pm

Another thing, you say you have been dating this guy for a few weeks, that isn't a long time and for these issues to be arising already doesn't bode well. Do not be wrapped up in what he is saying, you need to remember what made you so uncomfortable, the mood swings, the fact that he hinted about marriage on the 3rd date and the other things you mentioned. Re-read your original post, you sounded very concerned to continue dating him so don't dismiss that. Regardless of what he SAYS those issues will still be there and they do seem like serious issues. You didn't say what the age difference was but I think you referenced him being around 20 and I do think age makes a difference when you are dealing with someone as young as 20.

From what you've mentioned, something doesn't quite seem right about him so just be careful and think more with your head. Remember, you want someone who adds to your life, you really don't want someone who is going to create drama and add emotional baggage.

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