I think I know the answer

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
I think I know the answer
17
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 8:31pm
I have been seeing this guy for a couple of weeks and I have really mixed feelings about him..
I like many things about him. But I am noticing strange behaviour.
He is younger than me and although on a few occasions he surprised me with how mature of a conversationalist he can but I feel overall he is just too volatile - mood swings and other stuff that a 20 years old would do. This alarms me to a great extent and I don't feel comfortable. He had taken his profile down after our 2nd date. On our 3 date he told me that he will marry me and I thought he was kidding but he WAS serious!
At other times he is very loving and caring and holds my hand when we are together in public and acts like a gentleman.
I showed him HIJNTITY book that I was reading and he got all mad and acted strange - he said that I shouldn't judge everybody by that book and I said that I didn't and I told him that he acts like a 25 years old kid and it was freaking me out. He ended up leaving but he did give me a nice kiss by the door. It frightens me how uneven his behavior is on the other hand if I cut it off - I will be sad because I do like him - I just am not sure how much and I know that he will be upset. I don't know what to do. He had told his family about me and we were going to go to his sisters for Memorial Day.
Sorry about all this rumble :(


Edited 5/15/2005 8:32 pm ET ET by ivos2004

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 3:48pm
Ivos, get out of this situation now. Don't explain, don't apologize, just cut off contact. You're flip flopping all over the place because he's paying attention to you and making you feel emotionally tied to him by telling you he's tied to you. That is a TEXTBOOK strategy of controlling abusive men. 'you're so important to me...' blah blah. He's a wacko. End it.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 4:08pm

Do you have a history of picking "broken" men and trying to put them back together? Becauase that's what it sounds like you want to do here. It doesn't work...you need to pick someone who's basically "whole" and together...someone who needs a *little* work is fine, but this guy sounds VERY unhealthy.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 4:40pm
he is 27 and I am 35.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 5:38pm

The age thing itself doesn't seem to be a big deal, but this guy just seems like he is only going to create unwanted drama and problems. Wouldn't you rather have someone who is mentally healthy and will make you happy? Do you really want to be hearing about this guy's problems endlessly? You haven't been dating that long and they are already an issue and you were smart to recognize it. You don't want to get in the habit of trying to "fix" or "save" men that you date, it gets old really fast and the problems don't really ever seem to disappear, they just manifest themselves in a different way.

This guy is showing bad signs really early on. Don't ignore those, they do not go away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 11:44pm

Hi Ivos,

When I read your original post the first thing I thought of this guy is possibly Bi-polar and that he seems needy by his wanting ot marry you so soon. Sure we're all lonely for a person to be in our lives, but we can't be with them because we feel their loneliness. I stayed with a man way too many years becuase I felt I could fill his void of self love, but after 25 years it still wasn't fixed and he wasn't any better either, only worse. I stayed way to long.

We can't be with them just to have someone in our lives. Maybe you want to help him, but they have to WANT to help themselves and to have a better life. So don't let him guilt you into continuing to see him.

I have a bi-polar relative and he can be so loving and kind one minute, then the next mean in what he says, especially when he quits taking his medication (which usually keeps his mood swings to a minimum). He's also a great manipulator and talker, can convince anyone of mostly anything.

I think that you were correct in your original gut feelings about this guy and that you should continue to go with those feelings, especially since it isn't just you but your son also. You said that you are "so afraid to make the wrong decision", well why would you be "afraid" to make the wrong decision - those sound like such strong words to me...

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 12:54am

Hi Iv,

Tutto Bene on what SposaB says here. This is how my ex-loco was; they create a false sense of Quick intimacy that is supposed to make you feel like you are a total LUMP if you Dare question anything about them, such as their maturity. That is nothing but a speed bump, and not fair!

"If it looks like a duck and a it quacks like a duck...it probably IS a duck"--as I have said here before, NEVER ignore your intuition, it is one of the God given gifts we women can and should Believe In, at all times.

Cut bait before this one drags your entire rod and reel into the lake. What you are feeling is not love, it is the guilt he is creating.

Move on, and Then you will see that how he treated you was Not right. Never waste time with someone that you have these red flag feelings for; you are only wasting time you can be spending with the Right man. From Date 1, I have never had a single worry or negative thought about Tall Man. They may come, but when it is right, it is a peaceful, easy feeling (apologies to The Eagles, but they were right! :)

In a few days, this unsettled/hectic/confused feeling you have will be gone and you will be Much happier--which is what you Deserve to feel!

Truly,
Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 1:00am

For more info, go to "www.bipolarworld.com"--it lists the signs of this illness and if you can put a check mark by more than three,,,Run, Forrest ,Run!

Not at All trying to make light of this, but there is an epidemic of this illness now, as it is misdiagnosed because those with it are such master manipulators, they even convince doctors they are "just fine". You cannot help or 'fix' him either, so please walk away now. No one is trying to be Aadams Family here, but we all Mean it when we say to cut this off now and for good. Amen, done deal.

These folks Look for a 'host"--usually someone who is a mom, as they are seeing a loving/giving/forgiving soul. That is Nothing to be punished for, it is great to be that way, but don't let somone take advantage of that.

Keep up posted please.

Truly,
Cupcake

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