I think I'm too fat to date........
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I think I'm too fat to date........
| Sun, 03-20-2005 - 7:55am |
Seriously. I don't want to put up a profile because of it. I don't want the scathing emails telling me what I already know. I've been going to the gym and watching what I eat but it's gonna be about 6 months before I'm not fat anymore.
Does anyone else feel this way? Or am I being too hard on myself? Thanks in advance for your input.

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When I set out to loose weight - here is what helped fwiw:
1) Exercise - No way around it. I bought books on tape and focussed on listening to the entire tape in one session. This made the exercise be secondary. I swear by Nightingale Conant audio programs. (www.nightingale.com) Probably the best investment you could ever make in yourself.
2) Eating - I wound up getting a ton of those Zone bars (zoneperfect) and using them as snacks. One in the AM and one in the PM. It seemed to even out my hunger.
3) I got a picture in my head of me sitting by the pool with my kids without a gut hanging over my bathing suit.
The combination of those three things worked. YMMV.
Warning: blunt message ahead. Read at your own risk.
If you think you're too fat to date, then you are.
Ironically enough, it's not because of your SIZE, but because of how you THINK about your size.
I'm not going to lie. Guys, as a general rule, will usually pick a more fit person over a less fit one. This is not exactly shocking news, although usually in polite company we don't usually say it out loud.
(And women are the same way- as a general rule, they're going to find a "more fit" guy to be more attractive and desirable than a less fit one. Again, not shocking news. Yes, there are all kinds of exceptions to the rule in both directions- nonetheless, that's how people are, we prefer fitter people.)
That said... for many people, the "acceptable" range is probably a lot bigger than you think. And personality, charm, vive for life, humor, and shared interests ARE big factors.
But if you're down on how you look, no matter what you do that's going to come through, either in your profile or when someone talks to you in person.
If you think you're ugly, you're going to draw men who treat you as though you are.
If you think you're "too fat" for a good guy, you're going to draw creeps and jerks.
I'm going to use an example from my own life. Namely, me. No, not the "creep" side. :)
Most here know that I've recently gotten nicely involved with a lovely gal I met via OLD. Well, what I haven't really mentioned is that there is also another woman that was kind of a possibility for me at the same time.
Now, here's these two gals. One is just flat-out gorgeous; size 0 or 2 in most everything, big boobs for someone so thin, long legs, shapely hips, 5'6", ex-model, long thick pretty hair, great smile, bright eyes, classic face with cheekbones, nose, you name it.
The other gal is cute, but definitely not a model type; she's about 5'1", has a bit of a tummy, little thick in the thighs, only a bit of a curve to her waist (almost straight-waisted), a relatively wide face but with happy smiles and eyes.
Both are in relatively decent physical shape, I've hiked with both, walking down the mall doesn't exhaust us, etc. Short one plays volleyball, walks on a regular basis, tall one is less active but still no slouch.
I'm sure you've already guessed where I'm going with this. The ModelGirl, who is a good friend of mine, is also a bit of a head case. She's still down on herself from her divorce of just over a year ago, thinks she won't be good for any guy right now (although she's still taking a crack at dating- go figure), and just isn't really seeing herself as being particularly attractive to men.
The CuteLittleMiss, on the other hand, is delightfully happy. She exercises, but not because she's "working on looking better" for someone else, but because she wants to feel better for herself.
She sees herself as attractive, knows she's a good partner and a good catch, and generally puts out a much better vibe.
And of course she's the one I'm seeing, and even though I can honestly say that my ex-model friend is better looking, better body, and generally "hotter" in nearly every way... I think that my girlfriend (there, I said it) is the most attractive, gorgeous woman in the world TO ME.
I'm delighted to see her, spend time with her, and just walk around holding hands- we're that extremely happy couple that are obviously having a really fun time with each other and in the world in general. (You know, the ones we hate when we're feeling down and crummy and WAY TOO SINGLE.)
So there.
I've been hard on the weight issue in here before. I have said it before and I'll say it now: Americans are, on the average, a nation of people who are too darned fat.
We eat too much, we're out of shape, and it shows. I saw a headline last week saying that obesity is responsible for our average life expectancy going DOWN. We're lagging behind other industrialized, first-world nations because of too many SuperSized meals.
We need to lose weight, and IMO, far too often people use "people should just accept who I am" as an EXCUSE to remain overweight and/or obese, instead of doing what they should, and getting healthy and losing weight.
All that said... every one of us, every single one, deserves love, even if we're so big they have to cut a hole in the wall of the house and wheel us around on giant flatbed trucks. :)
And yes, how you feel and what you project into the world IS as important as anything else.
So my suggestion is this: Do both. Be honest. Yes, if you're fat, dating is going to be tough, and you should lose some weight- both for the dating and for your own health. But also you gotta get to a point where you love you.
I know this is a long post, and I apologize, but I'll close with fabulous passage from a neat little book about love that I recently re-read.
"One of the best things you can do for your love life is to first fall in love with yourself. You know how people say that when someone is in love she or he is so very attractive? Imagine how attractive you'd be if you could be in love all the time. You CAN- with yourself."
The author of the book goes on to later say:
"When you truly love who you are, you will be truly loved for who you are..."
Lose the weight, but if you can do it because you LOVE yourself and you want to take care of this really neato, cool person (you) that you love, that's a lot better than doing it because you're embarrassed or ashamed or down on yourself.
And the dating part of your life will follow suit, and you might be surprised- once you fall in love with yourself and have that radiant light around you, you might wind up with a good partner while you're still a lot more fat than you would think would be "acceptable"! And that lucky guy is going to gain all the bennies as you continue to get yourself to the healthy place you want to be in! :)
Could you give me the Cole's Notes version, NGOL? I'm not getting any freaking younger here.
:)
amjay
I agree with a lot of what has been said already, as well as with something you said yourself.
Confidence is a big factor in coming across as attractive to others (like I am one to make that statement - I obviously have issues there myself). Keep in mind all the things you love about yourself.
I like what you said about being "dating the gym". That's really a good idea. Turn all your frustration and stress about dating into motivation to exercise regularly. Really get into it. Before you know it you will have lost 5, 10, even 15 pounds -- and your confindence will go through the roof. You will also have increased motivation to keep going after seeing your great results.
Eric
I definitely think the "love yourself" part is true.
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