I think I'm too fat to date........

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2005
I think I'm too fat to date........
41
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 7:55am

Seriously. I don't want to put up a profile because of it. I don't want the scathing emails telling me what I already know. I've been going to the gym and watching what I eat but it's gonna be about 6 months before I'm not fat anymore.

Does anyone else feel this way? Or am I being too hard on myself? Thanks in advance for your input.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2003
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 5:06pm

Hi Knees,

I totally agree with what most of the other posters have said, but I feel compelled to tell you my story. About 2 years ago, I had eaten myself up to 160 pounds. On a 5'1" small frame, that was WAY too much weight for me to be carrying. I was convinced that the reason that guys didn't like me was because I was fat. So, I went on a mission to lose the weight so I would be more attractive to men. In 7 months, I lost 48 pounds. Guess what, knees.....they didn't like me any more at 112 than they did when I was 160. Because I did it for all the wrong reasons and they could see through me within 5 minutes. I may have liked my new body, but I didn't like myself. I was the same insecure person, just smaller. Consequently, I put 30 of those 48 pounds back on.

I am now in the process of taking the weight I gained back off...10 down and 20 to go. But this time, I'm doing it for me and nobody else. Actually, I kinda like the way I look now, except for a few "wobbly bits" here and there LOL! But that's what makes me ME!

Beauty comes from the inside out.

Good luck

ABM

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 7:35pm

Hi there Knees,

Is that your beautiful picture on the website? If so I think you look lovely, maybe you are being too hard on yourself. Once you start to see the progress from all the hard work your doing your confidence will go up. I find the gym very fulfilling and usually im too happy to even think about dating when im there. Good luck to you!! But in the meantime, I think you are an attractive person in your own right.

GM

We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2005
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 9:50pm

I want to reply to "All" but I don't know how (or it's because I haven't paid, not sure) but THANK YOU!!! I feel encouraged and not so bad after all. I would hate for one of my friends to feel about themselves the way I feel about myself so why do I have inner talk like that? I must be better about the internal dialogue in my head.

Now how do I devote myself to the gym? I go for a week then stop for whatever reason - work, went out the night before, lazy, etc. I used to LOVE karate and that became such a part of my life. I still love it except I hate fighting (so what the heck was I doing in martial arts?) but loved everything else about it. I devoted 6 days a week to it. There are no belts to go for in a gym. No one to compete against. How do I bring that kind of excitement to working out at the gym? I haven't gotten there yet and I'm dying to.

Anyways, thank you all. I love this board.

KITB

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 12:10am

I'm going to reply to this before I read all the replies because I do not want be biased by other opinions.

I have no idea how "fat" you are. "Fat" is in the eye of the beholder. I'm currently about a size 12. I'm 5'3" which means I have about 40 pounds to lose. That is the bad part. The good part is that I have lost about 30. I used to be a size 16/18. There is no way on God's green Earth that I would have gone out on a date at that size. I felt ugly. I felt like a giant blob. Now I'm a medium sized blob - meaning I look good in clothes but out of clothes not so much.

I decided to put myself out there for one reason. I do not want a man who wants me only for my size 6 body - I used to have one of those and I do miss it. I do not want a man to marry me only to freak out because I am not suddenly a size 6 after I give birth. I was going to say I want a man who accepts me for me but I can't say that without sounding like a total hypocrite because I was "me" 6 sizes ago as well and I will be "me" when (God willing) I lose the 6 sizes I have left.

It is not easy being "out there" on the dating sites. I get hit on by undereducated, much older men (think 65 - I'm 35) who think I must be desperate enough to go out with them because I had the gall to click "a few extra pounds". A lot of men who are "a few extra pounds" themselves clearly state they are looking for "average" or better. Those are the ones who really get to me. In your dreams, dude.

Anyway, I have finally gone on a date with a man I actually like. He is educated, is my age and yes he has "a few extra pounds" on him as well. I really like this guy. I think we really hit it off. I was afraid he would not call me again because I went farther than I ever have on a first date. No, I did not have sex with him! He did call. Hopefully, we will get together for a second date sometime this week. I bring up the TMI because I was afraid that I would FREAK if a guy ever touched my stomach - my huge problem area - it's like I only lost the weight on my limbs and face. LOL! The point is I survived and you will too - regardless of how fat you are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 12:22am

Another vote for the full body shot. Unlike some people out there - like the guy I went out with two weeks ago, I try to be as honest about how I look as I can possibly be. I have a pretty face and it doesn't look very fat anymore, so I feel it is IMPERATIVE that potential mates know what all of me looks like.

There are also sites for people who are looking for larger women. However, those sites seem to be for LARGER women not someone who is 50 pounds overweight. If I am wrong please let me know. I would like to be someplace where I am not self conscious about my tummy.

As for body type - put "voluptuous". That word describes me no matter what. When I was a 6 I was a 34D. I'm now a 38DD. It's not a lie! If that is not a choice I do go with "a few extra pounds" even though I think that should mean 10-20 pounds over not 40. I do that because "Large" makes me think 100 pounds overweight and that is not me either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 7:54am
I agree, annonymoss.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 7:56am
I think they should just list the weight. Why use vague categories. It's sorta like how the stores have young miss, misses and womens. I never knew those were secret chick code words for sizes until a friend pointed that out in a store.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 8:22am
I worried about this and finally just put my weight in the profile. Actually, I put a range! After all, I'm a girl.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 8:25pm
Knees-
I TOTALLY feel the same way..I just didn't want to post about it, so kudos to you :) How am I supposed to explain that doctors are trying to figure out why I am gaining weight (when I cannot eat b/c of feeling sick when I do)? That sounds like the old line "Oh I have a medical/thyroid problem" I feel like guys look at me and think "Oh, she must sit around eating bon-bons all day" or something, you know? In fact I am having an upper GI tomorrow a.m. to see what they find..I don't want to post pictures b/c of my weight, even though I can FINALLY say to myself that I have pretty eyes. I am gonna post a separate rant about guys wanting skinny girls yet they are huge :)Such a double standard! I don't think I have the thick skin for this OLD..I feel invisible and I think it's because of my weight..I just wanted to tell you I can totally relate, but I saw your picture and you are very pretty :)
Avatar for cyclegirl36
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 9:02pm

I am not sure how "fat" you think you are...every women's perception of herself is different..

I AM fat..I know I am. I have been fortunate enough to have been thin and fat..fortunate to be fat?? how COULD that be possible..

When I was thinner, I attracted more men, true. But the ones I chose to be with were total losers..I mean..shouldn't I have been choosing the "winners" because I was thin? I couldn't! Fat or thin..I just didn't like me on the inside..I felt fat even when I was thin. That's a spiritual sickness I learned later on.

Now I am seeing how men are drawn to ME..the person..yes, I would very much like to be thinner..but for myself...for my health and well being..

I think Richard from the first Survivor show said it best "you have to like yourself as fat person before you can like yourself as thin person".

The men that judge you based on your appearance and weight only are not really the ones you would want to be with.

Wait 6 months to go out and date if that is what YOU are most comfortable with...you could do a little flirting during that time just as a warm-up..what the hec...see how men respond to you when you are just being yourself. You will be surprised. The nice ones will see who you are.

Good luck.

Cyclegirl