I think I've had it...again
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| Wed, 09-21-2005 - 1:13pm |
Well, after 4 dates last week with 4 different guys, I've decided that as much as I want to meet my Mr. Right, it's obviously not the right time for me. Out of the 4 guys, there was 1 I really had no desire to see again (we just didn't click...at all...), #2 I wouldn't mind hanging out with, and when I sent an e-mail to say it was nice meeting him, etc., big surprise, no response....#3, the one that I actually enjoyed myself with, had good conversation, etc. (he's the one I posted about, who said "I'd like to see you again", blah blah blah), haven't heard from him (I sent an e-mail a couple of days ago just saying "it was nice meeting you and if you'd like to go out again sometime, that'd be fun" and just kind of left it at that, and #4, well, I felt like I was talking to myself...I'd ask a question, get a one-word answer and get nothing else, but he said the same thing "we should do this again sometime" so I sent an e-mail later that night (I prefer e-mailing after a date rather than the phone, that way, you're not putting someone on the spot) apologizing that I had to cut things short (I had to see a client) and it was nice meeting him and perhaps we could do it again sometime. And again, nothing.
This is where some of my insecurities are coming into play, having not really dated much (okay, hardly at all), and with all of the first dates I've had, very few have turned into second dates, fewer into thirds, and there was only one guy that I actually "dated" for 2 months, so maybe it's because I'm clueless on how to act on these dates? I mean, I just act myself, am very personable, I think I come off as easy going, etc., but I have so many people telling me so many different things...one of my girlfriends says "oh, I never contact them after I go out with them, they always contact me" (okay, that's great for you, I'm just not going to sit and wait for them, if I had a good time and would like to see them again, I'll let them know), and well, I've never kissed a guy on the first date, maybe that makes me a prude, but I just haven't felt like "wow, this was such an amazing date, I never want it to end" or anything like that, and everyone keeps saying it's not me, it's these guys I go out with, but I have to think that my choices/actions come into play somewhere in the equation, after all, I am the one going out with them...
I've played enough of the dating game to know that I don't want to play it anymore, but at the same time, I'm ready to settle down, I'm looking for that one person to spend the rest of my life with (or at least, a significant portion of it...with half the marriages ending in divorce, I have to be realistic :) so I feel like I don't have a choice but to continue putting myself out there, taking chances, getting shot down, getting let down, and it's so frustrating!
If anyone has some words of wisdom or just some thoughts, they'd be appreciated, I'm just in a funk right now.




Hi, sorry you're in a rut...
I feel for you, I do. Dating is so hard, and it seems to be more difficult for women, then men. In my opinion...
I have a g-friend who is 27 and has probably been on a handful of dates. She is smart, cute, good personality.... but she puts out this aura that men pick up on. She doesn't do it intentionally, she just has this unapproachable attitude. And when she does go out on dates, the guys usually tell her she's more like a sister than a potential g-friend.
I don't have much advise, except maybe date a guy you wouldn't normally date... (.e.- a different race, or someone without a picture, or maybe a different age) If you have a pattern of this happening, then change the guys you date? I am trying that approach...
Hi, I have posted responses on this board a few times because I have found a really wonderful relationship so I thought I might be able to offer other people some advice based on what worked for me. In this case, I thought I could offer you some words of encouragement. Believe me, I have BEEN in your shoes. If your record for dating somebody is a full two months, then you're doing better than I was. Before I was with my boyfriend, my record number of dates with any one guy was three.
And I've never had that first date where I got really swept off my feet and felt like I would enjoy kissing the guy. Actually, I've never even had that second or third date where I got swept off my feet and wanted to kiss the guy either. With my boyfriend, while I met him through an on-line personal ad, we ended up just becoming friends first because when I first met him I didn't think he was my type. It wasn't until after I'd known him for a while that I fell for him.
Now we have been together for five years and plan to get married, and he is the best thing to ever happen to me. But, believe me, before any of that happened, I went through a lot of what you're going through now. Why do all of these other people have somebody and not me? When will it be my turn? How much longer do I have to wait? How do I know that it'll even ever happen? All I can tell you is to be patient and have faith. If this is the thing you really want, your time will come.
It sounds to me like you are doing fine. All you can do is be yourself. You have to figure that if you are just you, the right guy will at least find you interesting enough to want to get to know as a friend, if not more, when he comes along and that if somebody doesn't want to see you again, then that's just eliminated one of the wrong guys and moved you one step closer towards finding the right one.
As for your friend's advice about not contacting a guy after the first date, I've been reading some of the other posts on this board, and it seems that there are women who agree with your friend. I think maybe if you're more of an old-fashioned person than me or come from more of an old-fashioned background, then it may make sense for getting together with a guy who is also more old-fashioned and still thinks it's the man's job to do the chasing. As for me, I'm a liberal type of woman. I expect to earn as much as my husband, to divide the housework up equally, to spend just as much time with the kids. I don't view things as being the guy's role or a girl's role in this world. I want a guy who sees things the same way as me. Most of the guys who see things that way would have assumed I wasn't interested and stopped calling if I never called back. Some people would argue that if he really liked you, he would keep calling despite that. But I know that if I really liked somebody and he didn't seem at all interested, I'd try to forget him and find somebody who could appreciate me no matter how much I would want to call him, and I expect the same from guys. So when I see a guy who continues chasing after a woman who isn't interested in him, to me it seems like somebody who is either clueless or has no self-respect, and it's a big turn-off for me. So, that in a nutshell, is why I never followed the rules of he has to be the one to contact you.
Anyway, my advice is to just try to enjoy the dating scene. I know easier said than done. But if I was ever out on the dating scene again, this time I would probably put an ad saying that I'm looking friends first leading to possible romance later. I think when you put too much pressure on yourself wondering if every guy you meet is "the one" then it only backfires. If you just view it as getting out to meet people and practice socializing not expecting too much to come out of it, then it makes it easier to just relax and get to know each other.
Also, when you say you're confused about what to do, I don't know if this will help or confuse you further but one book that I would really recommend is, "The Real Rules: How to find the RIGHT Man for the REAL You" by Barbara DeAngelis. This is NOT the infamous rules book that talks about playing hard to get. The author of this book is a famous relationship counselor, and she's actually a strong believer in being yourself and not playing games. One of the other things I really like about her book is that she really emphasizes taking things slow and knowing what to watch out for. I know when you're really eager to find somebody that's when that stuff isn't really on your mind, but that's why you're also most vulnerable and most need that type of advice. It's actually a short, light read, but it's very informative, and I just found it very useful in helping me to figure things out when I was single.
Anyway, good luck... I just wanted to let you know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Wow! Thank you so much for your response, I truly appreciate your words of wisdom and advice and hearing from someone who's been there/done that, as we all have at one time or another, and well, I just love hearing stories from people that it's worked out for :)
Thank you.