I Want to Do This Right... Help Please!!
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 08-16-2006 - 1:00pm |
Hi everyone,
Ok, I need your opinion on what "step 2" should be… I went out and met this guy last night that I met on match.com. We've been chatting here and there online and then spoke a couple of times on the phone. Finally, he said "we should meet" and last night we did. We met at the local mall and walked around for about 2 hours, just talking. He seemed like a very nice very MATURE guy (he's 26 and i'm 29, so i'm a little hesitant about dating a younger guy. He has a sister, MARRIED parents (he seems to come from a very stable home, he always talks about them and how close they are) But anyway, we met up, and walked around the mall from 7:30 till it closed at 9:30. We were sitting on a bench talking and I said "what time is it?" and he said 9pm and I was stunned how fast it went. Anyway, we went back to our cars and were doing the whole "goodbye talk" thing, and finally he gave me a hug and he was all red and he said "well it was very nice meeting you, maybe we could get together again sometime" - he said it kind of like asking me and I said yes but I had the idea that maybe I kind of sounded like I was just saying it to say it, you know?? Like maybe I didn’t sound like I really wanted to. So anyway, we left and about an hour after I got home, I signed on to my computer to check my mail and there he was. I didn't IM him right away, and then at the exact same time we IM'd each other. He wrote "hey girl" and I wrote "so how's your leg" (he hurt his leg the day before in a softball game). We chatted for a while and I was kind of digging for him to ask me to hang out again, but he didn't. I even said, "well I had a very nice time, thank you again" and he said "yes, me too, I felt very comfortable with you". He told me he thought I thought he was weird and I said no not at all, but he still didn't ask me to hang again. So I left it alone. I said "ok, well I'm gonna go relax and watch some tv, I'll ttyl" and that was it. So in the parking lot it sounded like he wanted to get together again, and he IM'd me on the computer, but yet he didn't ask me to hang out again. What do you make of it?? God I hate this whole dating thing… My thought is I should just back off now that I let him know I'm interested because I don’t wanna sound pushy and desperate, so I'll keep saying hi online if he says hi, but I'm not gonna go out of my way to talk to him. Thoughts??

Well, my thought is that you should be taking some time off from dating right now given your recent experiences, but you didn't ask that so...
In answer to your question, I would let him initiate all contact and any further discussions of getting together again.
Sheri
This is the ongoing saga of men of OLD (and dating in general) when the guy either is wishy-washy or he is not as interested as he acted previously OR he is simply too lazy to follow through with a second date which could lead...gasp....to a relationship.
You liked the guy and he seemed to like you. The normal thought pattern here (at least in my mind) is that the guy should ask you out for a 2nd date while still on the first. I hate to tell you this, but the "we should do this again sometime" has never gotten me to any 2nd dates with a guy. I'm guessing you are like most of us on the board where we aren't looking for dozens of one-time dates only. That gets old, it wears out your ego, self-esteem, and patience. But, it is what happens with OLD a lot. You are left in a guessing game as to what is in their mind..do they want to see you again or not?
The one guy I did date for a while a couple years ago (not from OLD) did not actually want a relationship with me or anyone else. He also did not make plans very easily (work always came first). I got in the habit of asking him at the end of our evening WHEN I was going to see him again. If he had had the gumption to date me, that line would have worked and I think it would work in a lot of scenarios if the guy doesn't immediately say something about plans for "next time". I always got the excuse about work and finally that he did not "need a woman". Well, at least he told me eventually.
But, I think for a woman to ask when they were going to see them again would not be too forward if the guy truly acts interested. I just think many men lack the backbone and maybe lack maturity to enter the dating world. A part of them might be interested and part of them might not be for a variety of reasons. Few men seem willing to step up to the plate and do what is expected of them. Most all women are wanting a second date and possibly more if the first & second dates go well enough. I don't think that's looking desperate, being pushy, or being unreasonable. It is WHY most of us date. It should be one of the reasons men want to date, but I am convinced most don't know what the hell they want. That is the #1 problem I have encountered with men online.
Also like Sheri, I think you need to be on a dating hiatus for about three months until your life settles down.
Hi,
I am not on match anymore... this is a guy that I was speaking to while talking to that other winner from there... I just kept chatting with him but we never met. I felt I owed it to myself to atleast meet him. Anyway, I am not on match anymore, I terminated that a LONG time ago, when this first happened. Also, I am coming off a whole years-worth of "time off" from dating. This "bad apple" was the first one off a year hiatus, so now I feel like I dont want to let him spoil my life...I dont want to take a whole nother year off everytime someone disappoints me. Even my therapist said that's good, that I do need to get back out there.
Ok, I'm confused...you had another bad apple you were posting about on the Breaking Up board a month or two ago (but before the limo driver), so that's not one bad apple but two.
And it doesn't make sense to me, either, that your therapist would recommend getting back out there right away again, when you've chosen SO poorly the first 2 times out of the gate following the hiatus. I mean, if either was your normal run of the mill jerk, that would be one thing, but both of these guys seemed to be off the charts BAD NEWS!!!
I don't know that another whole year off is necessary but you do need to do SOMETHING about the neediness or lack of self-esteem or whatever it is that is causing you to exhibit poor judgment. Therapy is definitely a step in the right direction and I don't want to second-guess your counselor, but her endorsement of you continuing to date under the circumstances does strike me as odd.
Sheri