I'm moving on!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
I'm moving on!
17
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 1:49am

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to post an update to my crazy life. I posted about 2 weeks ago about breaking uo with the the guy I had been seeing since January, but then we got back together two days later. The breakup seemed to be mainly about his commitment issues.

Well, the next weekend we got together and I learned that his idea of slowing things down did not match my idea at all. He was feeling anxious about not having the usual amount of time to spend doing his computer related work at home (for his job) but instead was spending some of that time with me and it was really bothering him. It was too different from what he had grown comfortable with.

Not only did he want to slow down the amount of time we spent with eachother, but wanted to change the parameters of our relationship to one of more like friends that talk on the phone daily and get together only here and there..."only until he felt comfortable with his life again", which I knew would never turn back into a relationship once he was in his comfort zone again.

So I could see that this man was not capable of having a mature relationship and was not what I wanted in my life, so I ended it. I was prepared this time for the breakup more so than I was 2 weeks ago, as I had no idea how he felt then and it was quite the shock to me. But I guess since I was in charge of the breakup this time, I felt better and I haven't been nearly as sad about it either.

The funny thing was that we ran into the dad of his long time childhood friend, and in conversation the dad said, "you were always anti-social" and that confirmed what I was feeling also. If this guy is ever able to have a relationship with another person, it will be amazing. He had me fooled the first few months with his nice behavior and attention toward me, but then his real side started to come out. He says he loves being with me, but I know that he will not make any chnages in his life to incorporate me into his life.

But it was a learning lesson for me on people who can't commit to a relationship and don't really want a relationship. But I had to learn it for myself the hard way. You certainly can't change people.

It was nice having someone there and to do things with, but he wasn't the right guy for me really. So anyway... I am back in the dating game again and hopefully I'll meet some nice guys. I joined Yahoo this time. Ironically, this week I have also been contacted by 2 guys that I had meets with in the past and we liked eachother but had schedule conflicts. Strange timing!

I went out with the girls tonight - our usual Wednesday night ladies' night and that was fun. So basically I am doing good and trying to remain optimistic about doing OLD again. That's it for now....

Sunshine

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 3:17pm

Sorry to hear that but you absolutely did the right thing, it sounds like.

Onward and upward!!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 9:06pm
Sunshine Smiles,
You have drawn an accurate portrait of a certain type of man (or woman, I guess)--the one who THINKS he wants love in his life, but is unwilling to make any changes or compromises. Better you end it now, than drag it out for several years, as one woman I know did. I really think we could all do well to keep alert during the first few months of romance, and notice: are WE the ones making the compromises, changing our life, etc., and is HE doing nothing?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 11:52pm

HI SS,

I am glad that you came out of this with only some sadness and a clearer vision; learning from things like this is the Best way to move forward and find better. You are a mature, sensitive woman and deserve a wonderful man to enjoy life with!

I think any time someone wants to put things "in reverse" like this, it is not a good sign; more, it is usually where you see what level they are at in their emotional maturity--seems that this man was not as far along as he should be. He could have gotten his work done, and still had a successful relationship, no doubt about that. My Tall Man has a very demanding/high level job that includes about 10 days' a month travel, as well. I have 2 jobs, and we have 4 teen sons between us...and this man was whining about time to work on the computer? Where there's a will,there's a way...IF you can handle it like an adult. Therefore, it is best you move on to bigger and better--and you Will!

Roll on Little Rock!

Truly,
Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Sat, 06-04-2005 - 9:28pm

Hi Sheri, Marigold and Cupcake,

Thanks ladies, you are all so great. I think I knew before we agreed to get back together that it wasn't going to work really, but I felt, for some reason, that I needed to give it another try...well little did I know that I was the one who was expected to do all the trying and to make all the changes!!! What a selfish man and when I said he was being selfish in wanting everything his way, all he did was say "I'm sorry".

Cupcake, you were right in that his reversing things showed his emotional immaturity. If a person wants a relationship, then they make time for it in their life. Well, he can have his computer, his work, CNN, and all of his financial shows to keep him company! His life choices are his alone to live with, and I believe that he will remain a lonely man for many years until he can grow up emotionally, if ever, but those are his issues and not mine, luckily.

I am glad to hear that things are going so well with Tall Man! I have a first meet with a tall man myself tomorrow afternoon, which I am looking forward to. I'm trying to get back into the OLD swing of things again and not getting my hopes up or getting too excited beforehand.

But I keep attracting Engineers and so far the couple I have dated haven't worked out well, so I don't know if it's that career type or it just happened to be a coincidence of the couple I have dated! We do seem to have a lot of Engineers in MI though also! But they seem to be too rigid and set in their ways for me. I am a planner at times, but also leave room for spontaneity also!

Well ladies, thanks again... and I'm a rollin'!

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 1:56am

Omg SS!,

Too funny...Tall Man is From Michigan and Is an engineer! And further funny-my ex hub is an engineer from up Nawth, as well! What's a Southern Cupcake to do?

Engineers, for the most part, are very focused, and I think they are drawn to women who are creative,affectionate and outgoing--which is what you are, too, I would surely bet on that! I used to say that my ex hub was black and white, and I am Mardi Gras, and that truly says it All! I lumped all engineers together there for a while,but TM sure broke the mold; he is affectionate, funny and loving, but still retains those good engineering qualtites of being hard working men who Stay gainfully employed--hoo to th' ray!

Hope your TM turns out well, too! Keep us posted. I would venture to say, on you ex bf, that if he is not emotionally mature now, he prob never Will be, but he will Continue to shake his head in wonder at how "hard it is to find a girlfriend...". Go to the Clue Store and buy the large Economy size Clue, Bubba, you could Use it!

Best o luck!
Truly,
Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 3:00am

Hi Cupcake,

You so crack me up! So you know all about engineers! Yes they are very attracted to me! And I think you may be right when you said, "...I think they are drawn to women who are creative, affectionate and outgoing..." and yes those are some of my traits. ;) Yes the ex bf did like those things about me and said he had never met a woman with so much goodness in her. Hmmmm....

I think generally we are attracted to people who have traits that we lack in ourselves, yet sometimes we don't even realize that we would like to have these traits as our own, so we link with another who has these and who brings them into our lives.

Again, you are right about my ex bf being emotionally immature. He covered quite well for awhile and was funny, exciting, and loving, but in the end he just couldn't handle the subtle changes in the pattern of his life...so next! And also it's his totally huge loss!!!

Yes MI has tons of engineers and too funny that Tall Man is from MI and an engineer. I know not all engineers are exactly alike, but so far I have noticed some common triats in the ones I have dated! I'm so happy for you that things are going great for you and Tall Man!

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 9:15pm

HI SS I wanted to catch up on your story and let you know I went through the same thing.

Being w a man that has commitment issues plus emotionally immature if very difficult. I had hoped mine would come around and we dated 7 mths and finally it got to the point he knew I wanted more and he was not capable of it.. He projected alot of his past feelings/issues on to our r'ship also. Even tho he always said i was different he still acted like he was w/ someone else the way he had trust issues/and projected things.. He was working through things but honestly I don't know how honest and upfront he really was w/ his counselor and I thought over time it would work out but if anything he ended up getting meaner becuase he could not take the feeling of getting any closer, it was like he was suffocating even though I gave him a tremendous amount of space. But anytme I wanted to do something he would get jealous , but yet he could not spend more time .. Everything was his call. I would have been fine w/ that if I knew he was moving forward.

But hence you got out when you did. My heart was broken as I do believe i fell, possibly if I got out sooner it would have lessened my heart break, but I was just at the point i was falling but also waiting on something before i broke up. I wanted to make sure i tried everything so i Had no regrets because I really thought he was a good match. We had a lot in common and were very compatible. differences_ i wanted a commitment he did not.

I often wonder why I keep attracting these men also== engineers, and commitment phobes. Again they say there is a mirror effect., Maybe in reality I am afraid of intimacy also.

But regarding engineers he was the the atypical, he was bit wilder than most and he even admitted he was not the typical engineer

I find the typical engineer to be very Reserved, Brilliant, EArthy Men, Quiet, but can engage in a great conversation, but do not like small talk . Very Organized and know it alls, perfectionists..

Its funny he does notreally fit a lot of that criteria OUtSIDE of work, but he does at works. He fits more of a entrepenuer type personality and he is an ARIES which Aries are strong leaders.

But I know alot of engineers and they usually fit the description i described above. They also (some)maybe the younger ones- lack verbal intimacy..I think this comes w/ time and being w someone a while .

Cupcakes case is a little different, but her man is much more Mature and has learned.. and experienced a lot in life.. he is a very loving man..

but hang in there.. i am wit ya!! I amnot dating right now tho, I am waiting and working on me and things in my life.. have no energy to put into anyone else. I think I got burned out as I put so much into this lst r'ship and I am still healing from that and don't want any new man to pay for old man's mistakes. :

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