I'm in need of advice ladies..(m)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
I'm in need of advice ladies..(m)
11
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 12:12pm
Hello. For those of you that do not know. I met my husband online in December of 2001. He moved from SC to IN in May of 2002. We were married October 2002 and had our first daughter in March of this year. We since have moved from Indiana to Connecticut due to some roommate issues, which my roommate was my older brother.

Well my problem is, is that we live in Connecticut with Dustin's (my husband) parents. Before we moved to Connecticut he never expressed any interest in moving back here. I have no friends, no family here, not to mention my daughter is only a month old, I cannot take her into public so basically I'm stuck in the house all day with only her till Dustin get home in thhe evenings. Dustin's mom is constantly trying to tell me how to parent. I wanted to be moving out of her house ASAP, and she said that we shouldn't rush and save money. She controls a lot of my life I feel. Thats the way she likes things. His father is a nice guy, but for some reason I'm awkward around him. For example, if he comes home and its just me, him, and Ani (my daughter) home, I avoid being around him and stay in the basement where Dustin's and my room is. I can't explain what it is, but everytime I'm around him I feel like he goes out of his way to talk to me. Which annoys me frankly. Dustin's family has a lot more money than mine. My mom and dad are divorcing and me and my mother are very close due to my formerly abusive father, as well as my brothers and I. We've never had a lot of money so we express how much we love each other a lot and by actions. Dustin's family is the opposite, they never say "I love you". Dustin's mom while I was in the hospital brought all these gifts for the baby, while knowing my mom hadn't had time to get anything because she left Indiana as soon as I called her. It hurt my mom's feelings I found out from my brother.

Well, to my problem...Yesterday I was rocking Ani (pronounced On E) to sleep and was thinking about how amazing the bond between a mother and baby is. How the smell of my skin or the sound of my voice can make her feel safe and secure. I started to cry and called my mom and told her. She couldn't talk for long but I felt like I needed to talk to someone. So I called my sister in law, and she started talking to me about moving back. Dustin and I had planned on it (even tho his mind goes back and forth) in about 5 years after we had finished school. Because he has a good job, with an apprenticeship, in 4 years he'll have a associates in engineering. But I was thinking that maybe he could go to school for what he wants, computers, and I could go to school for what I want, medical assisting, while my mom watches Ani during the day. I thought of all the stuff like we could live with my mom etc etc. I mentioned something to Dustin and he told me I need to look harder for a school to go to here, and its not going to happen. My mom called and I cried talking to her. Then I tried talking to him again about it and he told me that I'm selfish. I told him I think he's the one being selfish knowing how much I miss my family and how miserable I am here and he doesn't care. He says I don't try hard enough to like it here. But I've lived here since November 1st. I've worked, made a few friends, but those relationships couldn't replace my friends and family in Indiana.

Basically, I need opinions on the situation. My mom tells me living here will be more standable once I move into my own place and I agree. Dustin sees me crying at least once a week because of this issue and just tells me I need to see a therapist. Which I don't think is true, there's only one solution to this problem. I'll admit maybe I am being a little bit selfish by wanting to take him away from his family. But his family isn't close like mine. When we lived in Indiana he never even told me he missed Connecticut. My mom now lives alone, and told me once she cried herself to sleep because she missed me so much. Which broke my heart. I feel like I should be there for her, like she has always been for me. Not to mention Dustin's parents will be moving out of state in about 10 yrs when they retire and his sister lives on the east coast. And is never home when she is home in CT.

I know this post is one sided, it just expresses my point of view. I just feel so alone here, Dustin is the only one I have. I'm miserable here and I've even thought that maybe the only way for me to live around my family again is to not be with Dustin. Which isn't realistic because I love him so much. This is the only issue we disagree on. Our relationship is great otherwise. Sorry for such a long post...Thank you.

~Kristina

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 12:41pm
Kristina, I am terribly sorry you having such a dilema with the living situation. I know it can be extremely hard to live with parents, not to mention someone else's parents. Kudos to you for putting up with this for so long!! I do not know if I could do it. Something that caught my attention...you said you cannot take your baby out in public because she is a month old. Is that because of your fear of her getting sick, or has someone told you that you should wait? Is she a sick child? I am just wondering, simply because I did not think that at a month old, a child was too young to go visit friends or take a walk in a museum. I would say she is at a perfect age to go to the movies with you, she will sleep the whole time, or simply window shopping. Which, brings me to my next point. I understand it can be confining being at home all day when you have to be around his parents and it seems awkard. I would suggest you get out of the house more, until you and your husband can compromise on the living situation. I understand he wants to stay to save money, etc, and get his degree and such, but there has to be some common ground here for the two of you. Would you consider going to work after you recooperate from having your baby? Now, the next thing would be childcare, right? Well, have you ever considered working at a childcare facility with your child? I did this for a few months after my first son. I wanted to be with him and was in an area where I did not know many people, so it seemed perfect for me at the time. I had a job, not the best pay, but I was able to be with my son and not worry about him all day with someone else. That is just a suggestion.Sometimes the childcare facility will offer free or discounted rates if you work there. My next suggestion is simply this, try and talk with your husband again. Listen to him first, and then make him listen to you as well, but without saying you two should up and move. He may feel like that is a big decision right now with a new baby. Maybe ask if there is way to work this out, and explain how you have been feeling lately and maybe you two can come to a compromise of some sort. Talk to him. He is your husband and hopefully your friend, but try and understand it has to be stressful for him as well. He is working and you two have no real privacy together, a new baby. It is hard right now. For both of you. Just stick together and communicate your feelings and it will all work out. I promise. Hang in there!! hugs!!! Oh, and by the way...Ani is a beautiful name.

Gail
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 12:49pm
My questions - how much of what you describe did you know or could you have known (i.e. had you asked certain questions, spent time around his family, etc) before you got married and decided to have a baby? This includes the type of family he comes from and the chance that you would have to live with them for at least awhile. I think, given your choices to get married and have a baby when you did (and that is not meant to judge those choices!!) you need to just count your blessings and remember the "for better or for worse" part of the marriage vows. Many young couples have financial issues, and other family related issues - it is commonplace. It might help to talk to a counselor to get some more perspective. and, it is up to you to meet people where you live - join a church group, a mommy and me kind of class, go to a gym and work out, etc. It is hard for me to add more because if I was lucky enough to be married and a mom . . . it would seem mostly like a fantasy (I know that isn't realistic it is just where my head is at right now). Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 2:04pm
Gail- Thank you for your advice, answers to your questions. The pediatrician said to wait 3 mos before taking her out into public. She gets vaccinations at 2 mos that kick in by 3 mos. I don't have a car here, I use his sister's that goes to school on the east coast. While she was here on break a few weeks ago she hit a deer so its in the shop.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 2:06pm
Deena- I know that I am lucky to have my husband and daughter. Just in an unfortunate situation for the time being. Being pregnant with my daughter was a surprise. Once we found out we were expecting, Dustin's parents wanted us to abort it, and my mom wanted me to keep it. After a lot of tears and mixed emotions we obviously did decide to have her...which is the best decision of my life. His parents then said that we had to get married if we were going to have a baby. Which we were intending on getting married in a couple years and I had already had a promise ring. They treat Ani so weird like she's a prize to show off, when they weren't even pro her. Before I moved in with his parents I felt very fortunate to have the in laws and family that I had. My mother in law gives great business and financial advice and my mom is great with matters of the heart. But now I see that my mother in law acts kinda stuck up to my side of the family because they have more money.

Also, Gail, after I get back from a small visit to Indiana I'll be finding a job position part time during off times that Dustin doesn't work.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 3:22pm
Hmmm- the way I see it, every single time I have sex (and it has been awhile, LOL) I would not be too surprised to get pregnant - no matter what birth control I use (I was on the pill for years and also at some points used condoms, etc). My guess it that the inlaw issues are masking the underlying issue of timing - that because of circumstances you had to take the faster track and like all newlyweds you are getting adjusted to married life - and on top of that, parenthood. My guess is you knew going in that your in laws were better off financially and I am sure you had an inkling of their attitude towards money. As far as their attitude now towards Ani I have seen many people who were for abortion, etc fall in love with the baby, as they have (and that is a good thing!) - hang in there!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 5:25pm
Oh, you are so welcome Kristina. Okay, well I can totally understand about the pediatrician saying that with the shots and all. Ok. Makes more sense now. The car thing can suck, but I do know you can use the bus if you have to and the subway, right? I am only suggesting you get out. It will help you. So, until Ani is ready to go around town with you, you can plan out the things you will do when it is time. Try to work on that. Oh, and another great idea for you....scrapbooks!! Take pictures of Ani and put them in a album or make things for her room when you finally get to move out with your husband. Try to concentrate on anything else right now, until it gets better. Goodluck, and big hugs!!

Gail
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 5:27pm
Good for you. I hope it all works out for you honey! Really and truly!! Keep that chin up and keep smiling. That little girl needs her mommy to be happy right now!!

Gail
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 6:59pm
I can totally relate to the living with your inlaws thing... cept.. im living with my folks and am finding it harder than Fred is i think. We hit the biggie getting amrried... money trbls.. thats why we are here in Canada sorting it out instead of California. Im 33 and living with my parents.. uggg.. sounds bad huh.. well at times it feels bad too.I had to come home to declare bankruptcy. That was the worst feeling in the world, it just had to be done is all. You do what you have to to get thru things at the time. A friend of mine in Cali, was a single mom.. had no car and 2 jobs. Shed put her daughter in the seat on the bike and take her to daycare, then go to work... pick her up later and take her to differnt daycare and then to work. Sounds awful and hard, but she now has a great job as an office manager, he daughter is 13 and gets straight A's and they are getin ready to buy a house. She did what had to be done to get the job done.

But the best thing i can tell you is, try to look at it in a positive. Take this opportunity to get the 3 of you on your own feet. Let his folks be the proud grandparents, maybe this is a learning time for them too. Just cuz they are older doesnt mean they have all the answers. lol I have found out, that life IS what YOU make it. I let the negative situation get me down far too many times and im not going to let it happen again.

Its been weird for me being married. I love it, dont get me wrong, I dont know what id do without Fred, its just still an adjustment time foe us i think. We were both sooooo accumstmed to being on our own... single.. no one else to worry bout but us, that the couplehood issue is taking time to live with. I jsut know in the bac of my head.. that we arent going to be living with my folks forever, that our dreams and plans will come to fruition and that this time of stress and tension will pay off for us later

Now, im not pregnant or ever have been, but my mom was reading this with me and says she felt so outa control in the first 3 months of having me, she didnt know which end was up. She felt like nothing was right, she wasnt being a good mom and no one liked how she was doing it. Then as suddenly as it started.. poof! she felt ok with things. She was able to take care of me, the house like it was all second nature. She says you will feel better about everything, including your living arragements and school ect in a lil bit, just concentrate on keeping healthy and knowing that there is light at the end of the tunnel **hugs** hormones baby... hormones!! lol

***hugs** dont despair, your doing things right. It just seems that life takes a different route than what we planned and that sucks or it cant be the best thing that ever happened to you. ohh, one other thing i know helped me and still does... I write in a dairy every day. It may only be a thought ot two or it has been 10 pages or more, but it helps me. I re read it sometimes and wonder.. oh gosh.. was i really that way?? lol

Keep smilin hun :) Charlene

Avatar for linds8300
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 8:38pm
Awww sweetie, I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I know exactly what its like to be miserable in your living situation, thats how I felt earlier this year when I still lived at school and before I moved home. I was miserable with my roomates because they were being really shady and just plain being mean to me. I know its not exactly the same as your situation, but even so, I can sympathize. The only thing I can think to tell you is to sit down and have a serious talk with Dustin...make him realize that you've been trying so hard to try and fit in there and you just don't feel it. Tell him everything that you just told us in your post. It may not be feasible for you to move out right this second, but even just knowing that you could even be back home in Indiana or in your own place in Connecticut would make you feel a lot better. Try not to stress over it too much sweetie, all the stress isn't good for you and its not good for little Ani either. If you ever need to talk email (Lmhangel@hotmail.com) or IM (StelleLinds20) I'm always here to talk to ya girl...you know we all love you!!

By the way....where's Baby Ani pictures??? lol

((((HUGS)))) Lindsay

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Avatar for crystalgirl32
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 10:15pm
<<<>>> I can understand what you are feeling.You made some of the most stressful changes in your life at once,ie..getting married,having a baby,and moving to a new state.I was having a very hard time adjusting to moving,having to change job,and getting married also.I don't know if everyone remembers but my MIL lives with us.She isn't well and it is difficult sometimes.I was having a tough time of everything also.John and I would argue sometimes because I didn't like it here.I would cry often and I wanted to go back to Florida. His mom would try to treat him like he was a child and wouldn't let me cook or clean.We did talk to her some and things have gotten better.I ended up going to see a therapist.She suggested I do something just for me(which I had stopped doing when I moved)So I joined a gym.She also suggested I journal.Like Charlene I try to write everyday and sometimes its a few works and sometimes it is pages of stuff.Maybe it isn't the answer for you but it did help me.

Something else she told me was,My MIL was so used to control that she had a hard time losing it and she dealt with that by assuming the responsablity of parenting me because that was the only way she knew how.She never had a adult friend relationship with her children like my parents had so it was difficult for me to understand.My Hubbies family also isn't the "I love you"saying type or do they ever hug,which I found most strange.My family is very huggy. kissy,I love you all the time.

So now I just say well this way the way I was raised,or that's a different way than I would do that,I'll take it into concideration.Or I just plain thank her for her input and just do it my own way.I'm not saying it is easy it does take adjustment.Atleast you know you won't be there forever.My MIL is not a well women and we have to have her live with us because of her health.I knew what I was getting into but it is difficult.Have youtried talking to you MIL in a no judgemental way?One thing the Therapist did say was that John and I had to be front together.John understood this but I know he feels torn loyalties.I hope you and Dustin can talk things through.It is a tough time your going through now but it takes a while to adjust to all those changes in your life.But most important enjoy your daughter,they grow up so fast,I hope this helps a little,Big Hugs,Crystal

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