I'm new here...and need advice!!!
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| Thu, 12-21-2006 - 10:30am |
Hello, everyone. I'm new to this board, but I'm not new to online dating. I did it about 4 years ago with very little success, and now I'm trying it again. I'll tell you a little about myself to start with.
I'm 27 years old, and I'm a nurse, so I find it's very difficult to meet anyone at work being that I work with mainly women! I was engaged this year up until June, and then we split up. Long story, but we were trying to make something work for a long time that just wasn't working and it was time to throw in the towel! I did not meet him online, though. He had actually "saved" me from the online dating! He was a good friend of mine, and I would always go to him with guy problems when I was dating guys online, and it never seemed to be working out, so he's the one I would get advice from. Then one day I stopped and realized that instead of trying to find someone online when all I could find were losers, I had been overlooking the fact that there was this incredible guy in front of me, and we started dating. It lasted about 3 years, and we got to the point where we realized that we just weren't working in a relationship...but we're still good friends today.
The first time that I did online dating, I did it all wrong! I was younger, and trying to get over this guy who had cheated on me. I had been with him for about 2 and a half years. I remember the very first guy I met online, it was incredible to meet him because we had this great connection online, and when we met in person it was great! We had only one date because we lived 4 hours away from each other, but we each drove halfway to see each other. We had made out and fooled around a bit on that date, though, and we had this chemistry that felt so great...it felt good to get over my ex and start dating again, but it ended in disappointment when he told me he didn't think it would work out because of the distance thing. I never really knew if it was more than that, but I was young and naive, and new to online dating! Then it seemed to go downhill from there...I met more guys, but pretty much just ended up fooling around with them and/or having sex, and then that would be all it was about. I have self esteem issues, as well as a high sex drive, so that combination was pretty dangerous! Because of my low self-esteem, I would somehow believe that just because I had a positive connection with a guy, that more could happen than just sex. So then when I would meet him, the sex would always happen too soon because of my high sex drive, but then I would get hurt over and over again because the guy wouldn't call me back after...so I realized that no matter how I felt, the guy was generally only after one thing, even if I had truly believed that it was different "this time"!
I recently decided to give the online dating thing another try, but I wasn't looking aggressively for guys. I put a profile up on a dating site, but found myself just browsing, and not really too interested in trying too hard to find someone, mainly because I wasn't sure if I was ready to start dating again anyway! I had met someone that I was just friends with online, but I ended up feeling like I was having feelings for him, or at least, THINKING I was having feelings for him...so eventually we met. I had intended to take it slow, but on our 3rd date we ended up having sex. We only dated for probably less than a month altogether, but he started going weird and thinking about his ex, and telling me he wasn't sure if he was ready to start dating after all...so I got offended, and that ended pretty much before it even began! I am over it now, but I do feel guilty for having sex with him, because I thought things had been going well, but then they took a sharp turn for the worst! I also realized later that I had been dating him for the wrong reasons, anyway, because while I had been dating him (before I met him in person) I went through a major tragedy in my life; my oldest sister was murdered. So I think that the decision to meet him in person was a hasty one, because I just wanted to get my mind off all the crap that was going on in my life...I guess I needed a little break from mourning, and I needed some comfort!
Anyway, everything came into perspective when the current guy I'm seeing came into my life. I realized just how wrong I was to date the other guy for the wrong reasons, and especially to sleep with him! I realized that I didn't actually have feelings for him; so sleeping with him was a BIG mistake! I was afraid that I was falling into the same pattern as before, when I dated online, and that is so scary because I am looking for something real now, not just sex! Things with this current guy are possibly heading for disaster, again, though... and I am so afraid of that, mainly because I feel completely different about him than I've ever felt about anyone online. I truly believe that he's coming into my life for a reason, and things had been going so well before I met him in person, but now they are going downhill. I'll tell you about him from the beginning: We met a week ago online, and instantly I felt a connection with him! I couldn't believe how comfortable I felt with him, and how much we had in common! He had been in a long relationship of 10 years, which ended about a year ago. For the last 3 years of his relationship, they had no sex whatsoever because she was taking prescription medication that had the side effect of no sex drive, and apparently there was no compromise in the relationship...he just did without! So, for the last year, he dated a few people, but didn't sleep with them. That shows integrity on his part, because he and I have very similar sex drives...his is quite high too! He could have used people for sex, considering he hadn't had it in so long, but he didn't! I know a lot of people might say that this guy could be lying to me and just playing me, but I don’t believe it because he is new to online dating. For some reason, I have this connection with him that feels so real, and in the past I had felt that about guys online, but it wasn’t mutual. I am fairly certain that it is mutual with this guy, though, because he has said that it seems like we’re made for each other, and just the vibes I got from him on our date…he was all nervous, and when we were being intimate I could see something in his eyes. I have good intuition about people, and I know he’s feeling something for me, I just don’t know what! It has crossed my mind that it is possible he’s just in it for the sex, and that is why he seems so intense, but I just can’t believe that about him. In his profile, he describes the woman he is looking for…and it practically fits me to a T! Here is the piece he put in there about what he is looking for:
She will be the one who makes me laugh, and at the same time give me that feeling of bliss. You know that tingle you get through your whole body when the right person touches you. looks are not very important to me, but a healthy outlook on life is, looks only last so long.
This is the guy that gives me butterflies…and that is what I’ve been looking for! And he came to me when I wasn’t even looking! We have such a great time laughing together, and we connect in a way I’ve never connected with anyone, regardless of weather we met online or not. But things have changed since we met. That night, we talked on the web cam, and he was joking around saying he wanted me to flash him. Well, I got offended because I was hoping we could talk about our date and how we felt about everything after meeting, but all he was thinking about was sex. I could understand that, though, because we were fooling around, and he must be incredibly sexually frustrated after being celibate for 4 years! But I thought he would have more respect for me than that, especially because he knows I’m trying to delay sex until I know I’ve found the right guy! So anyway, I told him I was upset about that, and he got short with me all of a sudden, saying ok, he got the point, and then he just didn’t want to talk about it anymore…and that was it! That was pretty much the end of the conversation, and for the next few days I felt like he was avoiding me or something…I mean, I’d see him online and say something to him but he would not respond…which was weird because we would talk non-stop before we met! I was going nuts, trying to figure out what the hell was going on! I had really thought that there was a connection with him, and then I started second guessing everything. I couldn’t sleep because I was thinking constantly about him, so one sleepless night I decided to just get up and tell him everything I was feeling in an email. I felt it was risky to do that though, because I didn’t want to scare him away! But at the same time, I trusted that he was probably struggling with his emotions too. I’m quickly finding out that this guy is very, very emotional! He even teared up after we fooled around, because it had been so long since a woman had touched him that way. He cries like a baby at Disney movies, he says, and I believe him because even just thinking about them, he was tearing up on the web cam LOL! I was so touched by that, but now it feels like he is too emotional, and it might be a problem! Last night he finally talked to me again online, which was at first a relief, but the way he acted has confused me so much that I just don’t know what to do now. I got the feeling like he was being short with me still, and our conversation wasn’t easy and light like it had been before we met. We weren’t joking around anymore, weren’t laughing, and he was just giving me one or two word replies. I got the sense that he was upset about something. I started fishing around a bit, trying to find out how he felt about my email, or how he felt about anything…but then all of a sudden he got SO rude! He just said he was in a bad mood and didn’t want to talk about it! So, I asked if he was upset about anything in particular and he just freaked, saying, “I told you I didn’t want to talk about it!” So I said fine, and told him that I missed laughing with him, and having fun. I also mentioned that I was feeling really emotional today about my sister and it makes me feel better to joke around with him, and he said he had a bad day, and sorry he couldn’t “be my clown” tonight…and said it very rudely, and went offline abruptly! I was floored! So I just went away from the computer and did some other stuff, then I decided I was going to write him an email…but I had no idea how to say something without offending him! So while I was trying to figure out what to say, he came back online and apologized for being abrupt. That was surprising, and it was the only thing that gave me any hope that this guy gives a s*** about me! But then he proceeded to be moody…it was like we couldn’t talk about anything that had something to do with feelings! I don’t get why someone who is so emotional can’t talk about his emotions! I’m not used to a guy who is more sensitive than a woman! So I asked him if he wanted to talk about something else…and he said sure…and he told me to pick the topic. So I said I didn’t know what was a safe topic…and we just talked about on the surface stuff…but it was totally not enjoyable, and then he said he’d be back in a bit, he had some stuff to do…and I just decided to go to bed. I have no idea what to do at this point, I’m so confused! All I want is to know a little bit about how he’s feeling! I get that he’s probably overwhelmed right now, especially knowing how I feel…but that’s no reason for him to treat me like s***! I’m angry, and I’m used to being able to talk about how I feel, but I have to step so lightly around him right now. I am so afraid of messing this up! Even though things are not going well, I still feel intrigued by him, and I don’t want to give up on him yet. I think maybe I should just lay low and let him come to me…but it’s hard to have faith that it will happen. I guess I just have to try.
I would appreciate any advice; I hope this is an active board because I need to figure out how to do this online dating thing! But then again, if things don’t work out with this guy, I think I’m done with it, at least for now! It’s nice to meet all of you… ~Sabrina

Sabrina, your heart felt story touched a nerve with me as I've been there
Hi Sabrina and welcome...
I honestly think you're giving this guy too many excuses and his behavior has not earned any of them. You don't really know this guy to be giving him yourself in this way. He's not acting like a man who is emotionally stable and/or available. He's moody and unpredictable and that is no basis for a relationship, not even for a friendship.
Honestly I wouldn't waste your time with this guy. There are plenty of men out there that will treat a woman like yourself correctly. You deserve better.