i'm scared....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
i'm scared....
12
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 11:52pm

i don't know if i should trust him...or maybe i'm being to hard on him :( and i kind of feel like i'm getting mad at him for no reason, but i don't know :(...i'm just scared

dave and i started talking awhile back ago...when he first IM'd me, i had just broken up with my ex, so i really wasn't looking for anything new nor did i think that anything would happen between us. But after a few months talking, i started to have feelings for him....in fact about a month ago, i told him that i think that i love him...and he said the same things to me...we started making plans to meet...plans to live together...to get married...he even talked about kids we'd have...but, i don't know, he seems to have a pretty low self esteem, and sometimes he would say that he didn't believe me...and i told him that that hurt to hear him say that, but he's never had a girlfriend before, and he just puts himself down all the time, and i hate that he does that,and i don't know what to do about it...and he gets really nervous about things he said too...we've been talking for awhle, and i've asked him to call me, but he hasn't wanted to, he said cuz he was "nervous" and he wouldn't give me his phone number ever either...

but recently things had been perfect between us...i was happy...and i thought that he was too...this is where it gets kind of sticky though...though we had told eachother our feelings for eachother, nothing was official yet...i asked him if he was my "boyfriend" or if we were "together" and he would say that he wanted to be, but its just such a long distance between us (i live in va, he lives in mass)...i understood his reservations with this, so i don't really push it...so this week we were talking, and then all of a sudden he breaks down, he says that he's sorry and that if he told me, please don't get mad at him...and he said that he had talked to this other girl a few times (he said 5 times), and that they had talked sexually twice...and that he said he was so sorry, and that he didn't want to lose me, and for me not to be mad at him...i told him that i wasn't mad, cuz i wasn't, but i was sad that he did do that, and that i didn't know what to do cuz i'm scared of geting hurt...but then i told him that i loved him, and that i only want him to be happy...and i told him that if talking to other girls is what makes you happy, then please go, its okay...but i told him if that was his choice, that i couldn't stay around...but he told me no that that wasn't what he wanted, he thought that was, but its not...and said that he loved me and said that he was sorry and that he wouldn't talk to any other girls like that...and told me why he lvoed me and now he understood that i did love him, and he gave me his phone number, finally. and i actually felt really good after that talk, but then after awhile, i started doubting everythign that he said...and now i'm scared...i don't know if i should believe him :(

is there anything that i can do to be certain that he's telling the truth? i want to believe it so bad, but i've been hurt so many times that i don't know if i can...please help me, do you think he was being sincere? or is he going to hurt me and i should just leave now?

please help...sorry its so long, and thanks in advance to any advice...

angie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 5:42am

Leave? You haven't even met the guy; and he hasn't met you; your 'love' is pure fantasy that can't begin to become real until you meet face to face. I don't know, are you looking for a fantasy or a real relationship? Real relationship means real interaction, not chatting on the internet. Why don't you look for someone a little closer to home?

Coolas

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 6:33am

You can't be in love with someone you've never met.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 9:56am
Ummm....you haven't met yet?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 2:45pm

Of course you should not trust him. You don't even know him! And until you have met someone in person and spent a considerable amount of time together, you can't love them either. You are living a fantasy.

There are so many problems I see here besides just the not having met yet thing.
1 - Both of you can talk to whomever you choose until a time that you have met, spent a lot of time together and agreed to be exclusive. Why in the heck would you be exclusive and expect him to be likewise when you live 1000 miles away from each other and seem to have no plans to meet. Doesn't that really limit you?

2 - That it took months before you exchanged phone numbers and that there are still no plans to meet. This is not a relationship, it is a pen pal.

3 - That you have made all these plans and told a complete stranger that you love him. There are so many dangerous stories about people that are taken advantage of by online loves. I'm not saying he will but you never know. The thing is you don't know him from any serial killer or 750 pound recluse who can't get out of the house or anyone else.

So either turn this into a real relationship by arranging to meet, or get out of this. It's not healthy.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 9:23pm

well actually we have made plans to meet, october 7...we actually had earlier plans, but i had to go to summer school and i didn't have a lot of money, cuz it would have been perfect to visit then, but it just didn't work out...

i believe that you guys are right that maybe i'm taking things too seriously...but i don't konw about your theory that you can't fall in love with somebody that you haven't met....i've been in relationships with people before that live here...but i've also been in a relationshiop before with someone that i met online...and i fell in love with him before we met, and then when we met it was the same, but better because we were together...and we did not break up because he was different then he was online or on the phone, and not even becuz of the distance...there were other factors in our breakup...

but thanks anyway for the advice...

angie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 1:54pm
Everyone here was speaking from personal or at least only secondhand experience about not being able to fall in love with someone online. 99.9% of the time, it is true. You were lucky that the guy you previously "fell in love with online" turned out so well and that the online infatuation translated into a real-life relationship. Normally, this doesn't happen. It boils down to the fact that you only know the online persona that this person gives you. Until you meet in person, it is impossible to tell whether or not it will turn into more. So please don't use your one successful story as a benchmark for whether or not it can happen when there are millions upon millions of unsuccessful transitions from online to real life. Good luck, but keep your expecations realistic and do NOT fantasize yourself to be in love until you have met in person and spent time together.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 2:00pm

Great post.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 2:15pm

I have a friend who has been exclusive with someone for 1.5 years via phone, web came and email. She lives in Russia and he lives here. He leaves the end of October to LIVE in Russia to see if it will work. I think that’s nuts but ironically this guy gives amazing perceptive advice – I would not suggest this to anyone – not only do they know if the chemistry exists in person but the cultural differences and language barriers – I may get off the track from time to time with words vs actions but I try to keep my expectations realistic. He has issues with American women—he needs to figure out why but won’t listen so I just listen back and be a good friend. The odds are not in their favor although I hope so for his sake as he has invested so much time. Be interesting to see how this unfolds.....

I almost think it’s a safe relationship for some, you don’t have to interact daily, get into fights or disagreements, pick up their smelly socks – you get the gist! All the perks w/out dealing with the reality of it.

SP

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 2:19pm

I almost think it’s a safe relationship for some, you don’t have to interact daily, get into fights or disagreements, pick up their smelly socks – you get the gist! All the perks w/out dealing with the reality of it.


I think it might feel safer for some.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 2:51pm

Trust me, I’m on complete agreement with you. He gives me good advice but then I think he can’t apply it to himself – doesn’t ad up but yet thinks it’s perfectly normal. They talk about how they make love and their fights and and how cute she is via personality – I may have gone thru a lot of dates in the past 1.5 years but at least I’m out there trying, learning from my mistakes and not faking it with a fantasy. But if I said that he wouldn’t understand as there is that “slight chance” it could work out therefore I listen and support as friends do.

To me I wonder if this is a form of commitment phobic? The date is always being pushed back, if he actually goes on Oct 19 I’ll be shocked not to sound negative but ... hey, prove me wrong....

 
 

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