I'm so frustrated right now...
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| Mon, 01-01-2007 - 3:24pm |
...I could just scream. I just hate dating right now...I hate it!!!!
First the good news--I have managed to not have any contact with the Musician/Athlete for 34 days now...I'm feeling much better now that he's out of my life. That wasn't going anywhere and the occasional fun wasn't worth the pain of knowing that was all he wanted from me, when I wanted more. So yea me for letting that go.
But now I'm frustrated about a guy I've been dating since late August--on and off. He's actually someone who ghosted on me 2 years ago as I think I posted before--but I responded to an ad he had on CL (I didn't know it was him) and he recognized me and apologized for ghosting. We didn't really start seeing each other more regularly until late October--since then we've gone out about every 2-3 weeks and always have a great time. He calls fairly regularly and makes dates with me on just about a weekly basis but then ends up rescheduling them so that it ends up being 2-3 weeks between dates (so his nickname with my friends is now "The Rescheduler", ha). His reasons have seemed legit but I've been feeling that he wasn't all that interested in me because of it. We went out on Fri the 22nd right before I left on my trip and had a lovely evening with lots of making out at the end (he's a great kisser). We exchanged emails while I was away and he even called me where I was staying last Wed night (I didn't have cell service so I gave him the number). But since I emailed him on Thursday saying thanks for calling and I'd be back in town on Sat afternoon...nothing. I'm now feeling like there must be someone else he's seeing who got the call for NYE--so I'm second string, second choice. Of course we are not exclusive so he's not doing anything wrong if he is dating someone else, but I just don't like feeling like I'm on the back burner. Even if there isn't anyone else, I just don't think it's right to feel someone up and then not at least CALL them for NY, ya know, LOL???
I'm just so tired of this. I came downstairs this morning to a text message saying happy new year but it was from the wrong guy (the guy I stopped dating a month or so ago because he wasn't being reliable about planning dates--we're now trying the friends thing). There are 2 guys I had first meets with before the holidays who have expressed interest in getting together again but I'm not as interested in them as I am in The Rescheduler. Oh, and the guy I've been emailing once a week or so since late September who was supposedly moving back here this weekend and who specifically asked me to keep some time open on the 30th to meet him has apparently ghosted--I emailed him yesterday to see what had happened, but nothing.
Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. One thing I wrote in my journal last night as a NY wish is that 2007 be the year that I stop caring about dating and being in a relationship. It would make my life so much easier if I could let go of that desire. I really do have a great life other than that--why do I want that so badly and why do I keep trying? I honestly feel right now like I want to lose my optimism that a good guy who's right for me really exists--I feel like it's only serving to keep me in pain.
Sheri

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Sheri,
I hear you and I know how you feel. I bet you have spoken for a lot of us here.
It sucks to feel that you are second string to someone unless he is second string for you also. It sucks to feel that you must always be working at dating, courting different guys, waiting for them to call... There ought to be some other way. And nice, interesting, have-it-together women like you shouldn't have to go through this year after year. It's definitely not fair.
I think it's all a question of luck. And unfortunately, the only thing you can do is wait and see and hope, and keep trying.
I completely understand why you want to let go of the hope because it is so painful when every time it seems to lead to nothing. On the other hand, I think we keep trying at things because the possible reward is so great.
Maybe it's only when we realize that what we seek won't really make us happier than we are now that we stop seeking and struggling to get something. And in our culture, it is very hard to believe that finding love and romance and the kind of companionship that makes life meaningful isn't going to make us happier than we are now.
Hang in there.
Elsa
I'm sorry Sheri.
Thanks Elsa. I know so many of us struggle with this.
And it's not so much cultural messages for me at least as knowing from personal experience that when you're in a good relationship, it *does* add to your happiness. So that's hard because I've had it from time to time, even if it hasn't lasted for various reasons.
Anyway, thanks for your words of encouragement...I will do my best to hang in there, and you do the same.
Sheri
Thanks, Stacey, I appreciate your kind words.
I keep thinking that if I'm patient and work to be the best person I can be, then it *has* to happen, eventually...but it's been 9 years since I had a relationship that's lasted longer than about 6 months or so (except for the LDR with the guy in New Orleans which lasted 18 months but we weren't exclusive for most of it by my choice, and the casual fling I just ended, which lasted 10 months...longer than most of my relationships in recent years. Isn't *that* a sad statement!). So it doesn't seem like it's meant to be for me and that's why I really think I would be happier if I could let go of wanting a relationship. But I can't seem to be able to do that so I guess I'll keep chugging along. I'm not much of a pray-er, but lately I've been praying for that desire to be taken from me because I just don't want to want something anymore that I'm probably never going to get.
Sheri
You want what we all want. There is nothing to be ashamed of about that. It is so easy to get our hopes up over someone and then even easier to get depressed with things are not going our way.
The cop guy and I (one who has not been out of a relationship that long) had been talking almost daily until the other day. I convinced myself it "might" be worth a shot, even with that worry in the back of my mind Now, I have not heard from him in about 48 hours. I left a couple messages, but that was yesterday. He may have had to work, but I have no other "irons in the pot" and I know that that isn't good. My last "iron" was not someone I wanted to get involved with. So, I spent last night (New Year's eve) alone and kind of depressed. 2007 isn't starting off so hot for me. :0 Let's hope our dating lives get better in the next few weeks.
And if it's any consolation, I have another real close friend who has had a very whacky and unsettling love life. She is divorced but still has a lot of contact with her ex (she still loves the guy). He's found someone else, although I don't know how serious he is about her. She stays in turmoil a lot. When I feel sorry for myself, I often think of her. She has two sons still at home, and we try to support each other as much as possible. She is not a poster on the board, but she very much hurts like many of us do.
Us women need to stick together!
Sheri,
I agree that being in a good relationship adds to happiness. What I think is cultural is our feeling that there must be something wrong with us if we are not in a relationship. Maybe you don't feel that way, but I see it all around me. We measure our worth by whether we are attractive to someone we value.
For my part, I know, intellectually, that I am not likely to find someone, but emotionally I just can't believe it. I was married for more than twenty years and for most of that time it was good. How can I believe I'll find someone better than the spouse who didn't work out? I am so glad to be out of that marriage and at the same time so lonely!
I know a couple who married (second marriage for both) twenty years ago come February. He is going to be 88. She is 72. They met when she was about the age I'm now, and everyone told her she was nuts to tie herself down to a guy who was already over 65. Yet he's still around and in good health and very happy. (Though he is beginning to fail.) And their marriage has lasted longer than her first marriage, which lasted "only" 18 years.
Anyway, every time I hear of a "second-time around" relationship like that I feel encouraged. But not for myself, not really.
Elsa
Thanks Mitsy. Yes, here's hoping to a better 2007, indeed!
Sheri
It's interesting--I pretty much have gotten past any feeling of social stigma about being single--it's much more internal desire rather than external, if that makes sense. And I honestly don't think there's something wrong with me because I'm single...I spent a lot of my life thinking that there was a lot wrong with me (whether or not I was single at the time) and I've really come a long way in accepting myself and in working to be the best person I can be. I'm really pretty happy with myself as is...and actually that may be part of the problem--I don't feel the need to change myself or twist myself into a pretzel just to not be single.
I totally understand what you're saying about intellectual vs. emotional. When I look at the statistics, it really doesn't look good for me. Yet I can't quite let go of hope.
That's great about your friend. My mom is married to a man around his age and she is about your friend's age--she was widowed suddenly at 40 and remarried about 5 years later. They've been married for 26 years now, so longer than my parents' marriage. But she has made a LOT of compromises in order to not be single and alone, that's for sure. I don't know if I have that in me.
Sigh. There are a lot of us going through this and it's not easy, that's for sure, but in a way it's good to know we are not alone (not that I would wish this on anyone else but I hope you understand what I mean!).
Sheri
Thanks, R, I'm trying. I was talking to a guy I dated last spring and summer tonight (I broke up with him but we're friendly and talk on the phone every once in a while) and was telling him that I hadn't heard from this guy since last Wed and he's like, he didn't even call you over the weekend or for NYE? I said yeah, I don't understand why he's not calling, and he said, oh, don't even try to figure it out, it's not worth it, you deserve better than that. And I did hear from one of the guys I met for coffee the week before last and we talked about getting together later this week so that's something. But of course that wasn't the phone call I wanted to get.
Anyway, I'm doing my best to hang in there...thanks!
Sheri
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