I'm so frustrated right now...

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
I'm so frustrated right now...
34
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 3:24pm

...I could just scream. I just hate dating right now...I hate it!!!!

First the good news--I have managed to not have any contact with the Musician/Athlete for 34 days now...I'm feeling much better now that he's out of my life. That wasn't going anywhere and the occasional fun wasn't worth the pain of knowing that was all he wanted from me, when I wanted more. So yea me for letting that go.

But now I'm frustrated about a guy I've been dating since late August--on and off. He's actually someone who ghosted on me 2 years ago as I think I posted before--but I responded to an ad he had on CL (I didn't know it was him) and he recognized me and apologized for ghosting. We didn't really start seeing each other more regularly until late October--since then we've gone out about every 2-3 weeks and always have a great time. He calls fairly regularly and makes dates with me on just about a weekly basis but then ends up rescheduling them so that it ends up being 2-3 weeks between dates (so his nickname with my friends is now "The Rescheduler", ha). His reasons have seemed legit but I've been feeling that he wasn't all that interested in me because of it. We went out on Fri the 22nd right before I left on my trip and had a lovely evening with lots of making out at the end (he's a great kisser). We exchanged emails while I was away and he even called me where I was staying last Wed night (I didn't have cell service so I gave him the number). But since I emailed him on Thursday saying thanks for calling and I'd be back in town on Sat afternoon...nothing. I'm now feeling like there must be someone else he's seeing who got the call for NYE--so I'm second string, second choice. Of course we are not exclusive so he's not doing anything wrong if he is dating someone else, but I just don't like feeling like I'm on the back burner. Even if there isn't anyone else, I just don't think it's right to feel someone up and then not at least CALL them for NY, ya know, LOL???

I'm just so tired of this. I came downstairs this morning to a text message saying happy new year but it was from the wrong guy (the guy I stopped dating a month or so ago because he wasn't being reliable about planning dates--we're now trying the friends thing). There are 2 guys I had first meets with before the holidays who have expressed interest in getting together again but I'm not as interested in them as I am in The Rescheduler. Oh, and the guy I've been emailing once a week or so since late September who was supposedly moving back here this weekend and who specifically asked me to keep some time open on the 30th to meet him has apparently ghosted--I emailed him yesterday to see what had happened, but nothing.

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. One thing I wrote in my journal last night as a NY wish is that 2007 be the year that I stop caring about dating and being in a relationship. It would make my life so much easier if I could let go of that desire. I really do have a great life other than that--why do I want that so badly and why do I keep trying? I honestly feel right now like I want to lose my optimism that a good guy who's right for me really exists--I feel like it's only serving to keep me in pain.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Tue, 01-02-2007 - 5:17pm

I guess for me it is less a "social stigma" thing than it is a "it's harder to have companionship" thing. Because almost all my good friends are paired off, it is hard to have people to do things with if I am not dating.

Having had an unsatisfactory companion (my ex husband) for many years, I would rather be alone than have to put up with a bad companion. But this means there are a lot of things I don't get to do any more, or which become more complicated for me to do.

Like you, I find my life very satisfactory in other ways. I don't need a man to support me. I like my house. I have lovely children. My job is interesting and satisfying.

I just wish I had companionship also.

And yes, it's good that we are not alone in this. It makes it less isolating. Thank goodness for the internet. :)

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 12:08am

Timing is everything and when it happens you won't be questioning or analzying, it will be natural - TRUST ME.

Avatar Image"The Small Peanu
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Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 1:41pm
I honestly think that there are just some of us that don't put up with as much as others do from someone they are in a relationship with and we are just looking for more than just satisfactory, we are looking for something great, and this is the main reason why it's harder for some to find a lifelong mate. I get that this is the type of person you are, looking for great and not satisfactory. I know that there are a lot of people who do twist themselves into pretzels and try to fit square pegs into round holes and try to work on things so hard to make them work with the other person. I've also tried that as well and it just plain doesn't work for me to try to fit a square peg into a round hole no matter how many times I've tried to do that. I just think that a relationship should be easier than that and you should not have to work "that hard". Of course there is some work and compromise but you shouldn't have to bend and twist too much. It is harder than we think to find someone that we connect with on a deeper level than most. I thought it would be easier but it hasn't been. I'm hoping that the person I'm with is the one for me now becuase I'm certainly not trying to fit a square peg into a round hole with this one and am happy, but it's still early in the game and from past experiences I've known that just when you think that someone is the one they turn out not to be. Hang in there Sheri. 2007 might have some really great surprises for you.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 2:35pm

It's funny, with this guy, I've actually been thinking that I could be ok with seeing each other once a week or so with no expectations of a future as long as it was consistent and we were having fun together--if it worked out to be more serious, great, if not, we'll have had fun and companionship. So it's ironic that he can't even met me on those reduced (for me) terms, let alone what I *really* want!

Anyway, I talked to him last night--I ended up calling him because I let my impatience get the best of me. I said happy new year, he asked when did you get back, I said Saturday, he said "oh that's right" (I'd sent him an email last week saying when I was returning)--long story short, there was no particular reason he didn't call me (although I didn't ask directly other than to ask if he'd been sick, which he said he hadn't--this guy gets sick more than anyone I know, so that's part of why I called him), he just (apparently) didn't feel like calling me or seeing me, I guess. I was feeling really uncomfortable on the phone because of that so I said, well, ok, I just called to say happy new year and I was going to get off the phone but he kept talking and making conversation so I stayed on. Eventually he said that we should get together soon and I said sure...he said he'd call me later this week to set it up.

I'm really feeling ambivalent about seeing him again...I guess I'll see how long it takes him to call and how enthusiastic he seems to be--but I don't like this feeling that he can just take me or leave me. But I can't decide if I should say something on the phone, wait until I see him, or not say anything at all and just move on.

I did finally hear from the AWOL guy I was supposed to meet last weekend (the one who just moved back to Seattle)--he said he's having more trouble than he thought he would finding a place to live so he's dealing with that and he'd be in touch later this week. I won't be holding my breath, LOL!!

Anyway, thanks, and I hope you're right about 2007 having some good surprises in store for me!

Sheri

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 2:42pm

Hey SP, thanks...I'm trying to hang in there. I just posted an update in my response to biochic.

Sheri

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Registered: 07-20-2001
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 4:05pm

OK, another friend just gave me a different "slant" on our problems with some of these men who seem so interested in the beginning (after it is apparent that attraction and some mutual interests exist between the 2 people) and then later act like they are less interested (for no apparent reason) and quit calling (like cop guy from Iowa).

It is this: Maybe some of us ARE really good matches for some of these guys, but the reality of it is that many of these men are not up to a true relationship--one that "might" be long-term, for life, for marriage, etc. I don't think it fits all guys, but maybe the commitment phobic guy is more of a reality than just a phrase. Cop guy hasn't been out of his long-term relationship that long (which was a concern for me in the beginning). The more we talked, the more I was reassured that things between the 2 of them were really over. BUT, maybe he truly isn't really ready for another relationship. The fact that he found someone who fit his narrow profile of must haves was something he did not think would happen so soon. We really did seem to fit together in so many ways plus add the attraction factor and I thought that this guy really might be the one for me.

Another viewpoint: Another friend indicated to me that if this guy has some big stuff going on in his life (which he does), he doesn't have the attention span or energy to focus on a relationship. Instead of telling me that, he just quits contacting me. She said that men are babies when it comes to health issues. This guy is supposed to have surgery soon. He also has a court date for a law suit coming up. Yes, some big time stuff going on, but why not be honest with me and just say that he has too much going on to make any plans with me at this point instead of just putting me off? I don't think this guy is ready for me or any woman at this point in his life. It is men like these who should not have a profile online because they truly are not available for dating. They waste their own time as well as ours.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 11:23pm

An observation, Sheri...What you're doing is creating a self-fulfilling prophesy for yourself. Why would you think you would never find a good man? There are plenty of them out there, you just have to keep dating and looking to increase your odds of finding one. It's a numbers game.

But, if you think you will never find someone and end up alone, then you will. That will be true for YOU because that's what you've claimed for yourself.

You seem like a nice worthwhile woman, so don't go down that route.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 6:09am

Sheri,

I just wanted to let you know that I am so where you are right now!! I went away on holiday with my parents and my daughter (just got back last night) and just felt incredibly depressed for the first few days; so many happy couples around me and it is my 5th Christmas as a single mother. Sigh. I too wish that I could let go of the desire for a relationship; at times I have done that and have felt so much more at peace with my life, but then invariably, some man comes along who disrupts the groove and then I fall back into wanting a relationship. It's like a switch gets turned on and my desire for a relationship gets turned back on.

Meanwhile, in other news.. The Disappearing Act resurfraced just before I left on holiday; we had quite a chat (I gave him a piece of my mind, lol!!) and he then texted me something extremely clever about hoping he was forgiven and wanting to take me out again; but I will so not be surprised if I don't hear from him now I'm back and that is also rather depressing. I am with you on just wanting to let all the wishing and wanting go and instead focus on the good things I do have in my life - because I really have so much; the relationship is really the only thing missing!

Anyway - just to say I am right there with you baby!

Happy New Year and may this be the year that it happens for us!

Best wishes,

Coolas

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 12:06pm

Thanks Coolas, Happy New Year to you also! I'm sorry you're going through the same type of thing. It's no fun! Definitely keep me posted on whether the Disappearing Act follows through or not!

So, the Rescheduler called last night and we had a nice chat and made plans to see a movie on Friday night (tomorrow). I am not going to hold my breath though--he said he'd call tonight to firm up the plans but from past experience I'm fully expecting him to reschedule! One of the guys I met right before the holidays also called but I was in the middle of getting dinner and didn't pick up. He didn't leave a message which annoys the heck out of me--I never know, am I supposed to call him back, or does not leaving a message mean he's planning on calling me back? In any event, I decided that if he wanted me to return his call he would have left a message so I'm letting him call me again. We had talked earlier this week about doing something Sat night so we'll see. I'm not all that enthusiastic about this guy though--for one thing, he's my height or shorter and slender--I feel like an Amazon next to him so it's hard for me to feel attracted. But I'll give it another shot.

Sheri

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 3:14pm

Oh, commitment phobia is definitely not just a catchy phrase, although I do think it's overdiagnosed. My c'phobe ex is still the same as he ever was--we've been broken up for 9 years and he still follows the same pattern with women. His latest is that he's in love with a married woman. We are friends now so I can be detached from his issues, and I do want him to be happy, but I couldn't resist saying when he told me that, well that works well for you, I'm sure, since she's not available. He kind of laughed and agreed with me, ruefully.

Anyway, yeah, there are plenty of people online (both men and women, to be fair) who are not really ready for a relationship. It would be nice if they could let you KNOW that when they realize it, but I've read that some guys think that if they don't say anything, then they leave their options open to come back. Of course, it works the opposite--I'd be MUCH more inclined to give a guy a 2nd chance if he told me he needed some time.

Sheri