i'm so superficial...eek! any thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2003
i'm so superficial...eek! any thoughts?
7
Sun, 08-28-2005 - 5:15pm
man, i'm such a dork! i've been talking to a guy for 2 weeks (friend wanted to hook us up) and i met him for the first time last night. we NEVER run out of things to talk about, and we had a great time, but (here's the super superficial part) he wasn't as attractive as i expected him to be (from the pictures), and he wasn't a great dresser...i always seem to be the one who doesn't find anyone who isn't SUPER "abercrombie model" attractive, attractive. but this guy is really sweet, and we had a really good time, but i found myself disappointed that he wasn't as good looking as i like. he is an attractive guy to everyone who knows him, i just feel like such a jerk! i would love for me to get over myself and just enjoy being with someone i'm comfortable with and have good conversation with-without wondering if he's "cute enough" for me. anybody ever felt like that? or am i just a supreme bitch? *sigh* by the way, i have decided that to say "uh, well,i just want to be friends" after one night of meeting would be wrong, because it would be TOTALLY based on looks. like i said, we had a great time, and maybe i should give it a shot.... any thoughts? thanks for letting me vent...!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 08-28-2005 - 5:36pm

Hi,

My thoughts are that, if you give him a bit more time, and IF you continue to get along very well...his non-physical characteristics may make you start to see him differently, and your eyes will begin to see him as attractive. It happens. :)

Sara

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sun, 08-28-2005 - 7:46pm
I think looks are entirely subjective. From my observations, even the so-called beautiful people often aren't. I've kind of broken it down in my mind and it's the mystery that generally makes people seem so irresistible. This guy probably lost his mystique in person so you felt less attracted to him. Of course, pictures can be misleading but I would certainly consider that it could be a matter of your perceptions. Sara is right, sometimes people we don't find particularly attractive at first grow on us, and I would say even ugly people. Conversely, people who seem really attractive at first can start to seem really ugly if they have a poor character, or in Clark Gable's case, bad breath according to his co-star. There's a lot more to finding someone attractive than just how they initially look on the outside.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Sun, 08-28-2005 - 9:00pm

this thread reminded me of an incident back in highschool (loe those many years ago).

I went to a catholic school...i was showing my neighborhood friend, Kim, my yearbook My class had about 100 people in it and I was going through the pictures and telling her about the kids...and when I showed her "Darren", who I adored (not in love with ..just liked him as a person among many others)...Kim said "ew, why do the girls think he is so great". (Darren was pretty popular, wasn't classically the most handsome boy we were looking at but not a troll either, I was telling her how great he was). I couldnt imagine why she was saying that. I had to think a bit, and look at Darren's picture. That is the first time I realized that I really did love a personality more than the surface, unlike Kim. I'll never forget that. (proof here eh?) lol

I can understand if they are physically unattractive to someone that its hard to look past. We all have our preferences. I suppose its what we are used to. I, on the other hand, sometimes think others are too attractive for me. (or someone who is into their own looks *too* much or expresses that I am lucky to be with them,ick) My preferences are boy-next-door types.

I suppose since you really feel torn about it, that you must have some interest there...that it wouldnt hurt to get to know him a lil more to see how you feel. It may be hard to later break up with him if your feelings for the actual physical attraction doesn't change. But its hard to know the degree of handsome vs. homely you are talking about. Only you know what you like or perhaps you are exploring more the inner person as well ...because he may have a personality that you've not come across before. (I would find that exciting as boy it sure is harder now than it used to be to find someone I click with like that). Such a great feeling.

I do think its fabulous that he has a lot of inner confidence to over come if he is drastically unattractive. <?> I would also understand your cunundrum. Gotta feel the chemistry too otherwise it is that "friends" thing ::sigh:.

Looks fade, character gets developed (hopefully) as we age. Good luck and let us know how it goes. I think its great that you have forethought to question this. As we have experiences in life, we tend to sometimes change our preferences or priorities. Chemistry can come with familiarity, but it has to be there nonetheless for it to be more than friends.
Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 08-28-2005 - 9:37pm

If you aren't attracted to him then you aren't attracted to him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2005
Mon, 08-29-2005 - 7:10am
I think the major problem with online dating is that you have a very little bit of info on a person and one or two photos... in the anticipation of meeting, you (or me, I tend to) conjure up this whole fantastic image of this person as "perfection"/"the one"... then you meet.... reality sets in... the image isnt there any longer... HOWEVER... if you just was walking down the street and bumped into this person.... your thoughts about him/her may be a little different... it is so difficult on online dating... if any of this makes any sense to you, I am trying to say .... give him another try...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2003
Mon, 08-29-2005 - 11:51am

I would say give him a second chance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2005
Tue, 08-30-2005 - 1:59am
Hi Posh,
I find myself struggling with the same thoughts when I'm looking over guys profiles and I have to keep reminding myself of the first guy I dated when I started OLD. I posted a bit about this on the Chemistry thread earlier today.
He emailed me and I was NOT impressed with his pics and camethisclose to deleting him as I just skimmed the profile. Then thought...what the heck! I'm gonna meet people and I won't be so intimidated if the guys kinda goofy looking...it'll be easier...whatever. So
So needless to say, I was not physically attracted to him when I met him, but we had a really great first meet. We had a lot in common and great conversation. As I sat across the table from him in the Borders Cafe I tried to imagine myself kissing him (this is what I'm usually thinking throughout all my first meets...LOL) and I really couldn't. He was really nerdy looking and just so not my type. He asked me for another date and I said yes mostly out of politeness but I honestly did enjoy his company and had nothing else going on. Bottom line... the first time he kissed me, it took my breath away. He was the BEST kisser. We ended up dating for about 2 months and throughout that time he just grew and grew on me. I'd sit across the table from him when we talked and I'd see him becoming more attractive. He ended up dumping me because I was getting too serious! LOL...revenge of the nerds;P
Chele
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