I'm think I'm going to end it
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| Tue, 05-03-2005 - 3:23am |
I know you're all probably tired of my whining about this r'ship and I am too. That's why I think it's time to end it. If I'm continually whining about it...it ain't a good sign!
We've resolved the communication issue. He's been calling everyday. But we had a phone convo this evening that has left me more that just a liitle annoyed.
We spent Friday night together and parted on Saturday morning as he had to go work on his boat and my older daughter was going to her Junior prom Saturday night, so of course I wouldn't miss that! We had what I thought was a lovely evening. He cooked dinner and breakfast. Evrything "seemed" so great. We made plans to see each other some time during the coming week.
He had been at his boat all day Monday too. It had been his plan to take off from work if the weather was nice. So I called him when I knew he'd be back.
We chatted about this and that. So I asked what night would he like to come over for dinner. Weeknights are at my house as I usually have something going on with my girls. We've done this a few times before and it worked out very well. He suggested Thursday and then said he better check his shedule and let me know. He left his palm pilot in his office.
So I suggested Friday if Thursday didn't work. He said that he's going down to his boat directly from work on Friday because "I missed a good chunk of the day on Saturday and it sucked!" Um, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to screw up your weekend. That's not what I said, but I so wished I had. I was kind of shocked at that moment and couldn't think of a single thing to say. What I did say was "So if you can't make Thursday then I won't see you at all this week?" He said "Not if the wather is nice." He said he'd call me Tuesday. I ended the call shortly after that.
I can't go to the boat again this weekend. My older daughter has SAT's on Saturday and my younger daughter is going to a Bat Mitzvah on Sunday. The following weekend my older daughter is going to the Senior prom, so that's a wash out for me too.
I've been doing a slow burn all night. It's 2:30am ET and I've hardly been able to sleep. I feel like I've become "filler" for him beteween work and his damn boat...whenever he 's able to "squeeze" me in. I feel we should be at a point where we're spending more time together, not less. My life is very busy too and yet I seem to be able to make time for him.
I feel like he doesn't miss me all that much and that hurts. It doesn't seem to bother him all that much when we can't spend time together. Its' just like "Oh well. There's always next week."
A couple of weeks ago, when we were trying to figure out when I'd be able to go to the boat with him and it didn't seem like I'd have many free weekends, he said we can always see each other on Fridays before he leaves and/or Sundays when he gets back. And I'm perfectly OK with that. I knew about his boat up front and it's his "therapy" and I understand that he needs that. He's always said we'd come to some kind of consensus that would work for both of us. What changed?
He's planning a trip to Greece this summer with his daughter (who I still haven't met) and her BF and he hasn't even hinted at me going. Not that I'd be able to, but it would be nice to be asked.
I would love to say that I have a trip planned w/o him, but my finances a zapped. Both my girls will be attending the NSLC in San Diego in July and that ate up all my "vacation" budget.
I'll be honest. Even in light of everything, I really don't want to end it. Up till now it's been a great ride. But recenlty I find my self feeling resentful of that damn boat, hurt with his lack of attention...concern
But I'm beginning to finally realiize that I just don't figure all that prominently in his life. I'm way down on the food chain. HJNITMe (?) and if that's the case, how do you work something like that out? You can't.
I am so upset about this. I had started to foolishly think that we might have a future together.
I guess I just needed to "talk" this out...thanks.

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I've followed most of your postings on this and to me it seems like you're passing from one dating stage to another. He clearly has a passion for being on his boat and you don't (at least not to the extent that he does).
Sounds like a typical dilema to me.
Absent any indication that there is someone else, it seems like a situation that needs to be talked out --- and maybe during the discussion you do raise the issue of not seeing each other for a while (which you've already probably mentally prepared yourself for).
I find it more of a red flag that you haven't met his daughter yet - especially given that he's met yours. That seems really odd to me unless the daughter is very far away and meeting wouldn't be practical. Have you met other relatives or close friends of his? This "not meeting" part actually strikes me as the biggest red flag. The whole paying attention to a different passion comes across as just a natural progression -- unless there is more to the story.
You however luv come across as very normal - so don't settle!
I agree with what you are saying. I was in a very similar situation during my 6 month relationship with my last boyfriend. I just didn't feel important to him at all. He didn't seem to mind if he didn't see me for over a week at a time. I felt that after 6 months I should be more of a priority to him. He was to me. The resentment and ups and downs built up so much that I had to get out of it.
I'm not sure how long you've been together, but I wish you the best.
You have not whined at all!
I totally understand your hurt feelings. From my personal experience being in a relationship with someone with an outside passion SUCKS. My experience was with a budding musician and music was pretty well his life. I broke it off because I didn't like which rung of the ladder he placed me on. I think it was the third one from the top.
In hindsight, and also now that I am older and see things a little clearer, I realize that he gave me as much attention as he was capable outside of his music. It was simply a fact that his passion fed most of his needs. I satisfied whatever needs were left over. He went on to marry and, of course, carry on as he always had. No problems with his wife that I heard of.
One thing that I find encouraging about your fellow is that when you asked him for more (ie phone contact) he gave it to you. I know people think that that's an easy thing for him to do, but if his heart wasn't in it he would not do it, period. BTW, have you thanked him yet?
I think you've been together 6 months? Like everyone has said, you have entered the stage of adjustment and acceptance. You are each adjusting to each other's busy schedule. You are getting to know the downside to the relationship and are faced with the decision as to whether you can accept it or not. The downside to him is his boat/mistress. What's your downside?
It may be too early for him to introduce you to his daughter. Six months is how long I would wait (and do).
About Greece: quite possibly this was planned before you two met? It hasn't occurred to him to change the arrangements.
If this were me, I would take a little bit more time before ending it.
Good luck in your decision! Please keep us posted.
amjay
I understand what you’re saying.
I completely agree with peanut.
First, don't dump him or end it yet without talking to him. We all know you are frustrated b/c you have told us you are frustrated about not being a priority in his life. But you haven't told him. He can't know yet or do anything about it (or decide to NOT do anything and thus risk or just flat out ruin the relationship) until you say something. I wish you WOULD have said what you were thinking the other day to his comment about having all of Saturday shot - chances are it was a careless statement, but the fact is he said it, he was thinking it and deserved to be called on it.
It seems as if he was responsive to your last request - this time again, just be calm and tell him you'd like to find a compromise so that you get to see each other but he gets his boat time too because at this point, you SHOULD be a priority to one another.
Second, relationships DO get tough around this 5-7 month point. Every relationship has these hurdles - 2-3 months it is the do we become exclusive or not?, 5-7 months it is the do I see myself spending my future with this person or not? He's probably doing some thinking and it sounds like you are too. But you have to work together through this stage.
So good luck - talk about it and see if he is on the same page. If not, you have your answer and can end it and move on. If you can come up with a compromise that works for both of you, great!
Hi All and thank you. I’m copying this from word as I have been having problems with AOL while responding online and I keep loosing my post! Arrrggghh!
LG… Thanks for thinking I’m normal…sometimes I wonder! Nope, I haven’t left anything out. It’s all pretty much here. Conversations were condensed for the sake of space, but the key elements are still there.
I really feel, in my gut, that there isn’t anyone else, just something (boat) else. I’m finding it very hard to compete with “her”. She’s some mistress (thanks amjay)…sleek and beautiful and does exactly what he commands and waits around all week for him to appear.
And yes, not meeting his daughter bothers me. She’s grown and on her own and lives about 2 hours away. I asked about it in Jan because he talked so much about her and he said I’d meet her in the spring. Now he says I’ll meet her in the summer. I wonder if he’s even mentioned me to her? They seem to be very close.
I’ve only met one close friend of his. Most of his friends and all of his family, except his daughter and XW, live about 1800 miles away (he’s a “transplant” from another state), so that doesn’t really bother me. But again, I wonder if he���s even mentioned me to anyone?
Shazzy…Thank you. We’re at the 6 month mark.
Amjay… I haven’t technically “thanked” him. However, I do say how much I enjoy our mid week phone conversations. I always say, “I’m so glad you called.”
I guess my “downside” would be my kids, if by downside you mean what takes me away from him. I’m sure I have others. Even though they’re in high school, they do still require a lot of my attention/time as these past few weekends would indicate. However, that’s the way it has been since we met. I think the difference is that I MAKE time for him and perhaps, that has been my mistake?
No, the Greece trip came up a few weeks ago. He called me all excited about it. I guess if I haven’t met his daughter, or her BF, it wouldn’t make sense to plan a trip with them. But he does have a tendency to go on about the trip. I’m like, enough already! I just smile when he does talk about it and say (trying to sound sincere) how nice for you. A simple “I wish you were going.” would make all the difference!
SP… You always have such a positive spin on things!
<<... every successful couple will tell you it took work, compromise, communication and adjustments.>> I totally agree, but it seems I’m the one who makes all the adjustments. He does try, but it really does seem like if it’s “her” or me, she wins…always.
I’m re-thinking my stance and I may give this another week or two. I don’t know. Shazzy said something about the disappointments and the ups and downs (which is what I’m experiencing now) and that is what I’m not sure I can handle on a constant basis. I know I can ride out a storm short term.
I DO want this to work and I really don’t want to throw in the towel, but if this isn’t just the shifting of the “teutonic plates” of our relationship, I wonder if this is what life would ALWAYS be like. That would not be a good relationship for me. I don’t think I’m being clingy or needy. I feel you should WANT to spend time with that someone special. It shouldn’t be a chore or involve negotiating. Why bother with a r’ship in the first place?
In general….I have spoken to him about this when we had the conversation about him not calling, etc. I said it was the whole package. Not calling and not being around. I know his job is demanding and I am very accepting of that. Even before all this, I was always very clear about my disappointment when we couldn’t spend time together, so I don’t think this should be big surprise to him. What’s left to talk about?
Anyway, while I was ‘crafting’ this response to you all, he emailed me. Looks like Thursday is out. His other mistress, his yard, is calling to him. Meeting late on Wed and he’s spending time with his lovely blades of green Tues and Thurs. Um, he’s seeded, limed, de-thatched and fertilized. What’s left? Oh now, it's the weeds and vines! He did say I could stop by on Tues or Thurs, but, as he acknowledged, I have stuff going on with the kids those nights. Um yeah, that’s why he was coming here. And he added this... “Going to be a good boating weekend next week. Looks like 77 on Sunday. May take Monday off again as this is the best time to boat since there is no one on the water.” OK, I’m so annoyed again. He has NO time for me, but can take another day from his hectic work schedule to be on the boat!
I just want to lay back totally. I’m not calling, emailing or making ANY plans with him. He wants his precious space, he can have it. He can also call me when he’s ready to make soem time for me. And I don't think I'm going to be so available any more. I think I’m going to tell him that. I know this seems childish, but I don’t care. I’m tired of being the grown up.
Anyway, thanks again guys.
<<>>
IMO, that sounds about right when you are dating.
My top priorities are family, horses and work. Any guy is going to be 4th most of the time.
I'm still stuck on why you wouldn't have met other friends or family. That bothers me for some reason. Part of me say's if the guy had something on the side he COULDN'T introduce you to his family or friends or they'd wonder why he was dating two people. Though it seems like you've spent enough time with him up until now so that you could judge whether he could possibly be juggling dual love interests.
I think your plan sounds excellent. Make yourself unavailable and see what happens.
Perhaps it will turn out to be as simple as him taking you for granted and needing to realize that.
You haven't been with him through the summer months so you don't have any comparisons. I tell you one thing that's odd is some of the guys who teach my scuba class-- if they have GF or wives they must never see them -- because every time I'm in the pool they are there. So I guess there are some guys who get very caught up in their outside interests...
Do me a favor; while you’re giving him a few more weeks please talk to him about it and voice ALL your concerns i.e. boat and no time for you; not really meeting his friends and family
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