I'm think I'm going to end it

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
I'm think I'm going to end it
13
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 3:23am

I know you're all probably tired of my whining about this r'ship and I am too. That's why I think it's time to end it. If I'm continually whining about it...it ain't a good sign!

We've resolved the communication issue. He's been calling everyday. But we had a phone convo this evening that has left me more that just a liitle annoyed.

We spent Friday night together and parted on Saturday morning as he had to go work on his boat and my older daughter was going to her Junior prom Saturday night, so of course I wouldn't miss that! We had what I thought was a lovely evening. He cooked dinner and breakfast. Evrything "seemed" so great. We made plans to see each other some time during the coming week.

He had been at his boat all day Monday too. It had been his plan to take off from work if the weather was nice. So I called him when I knew he'd be back.

We chatted about this and that. So I asked what night would he like to come over for dinner. Weeknights are at my house as I usually have something going on with my girls. We've done this a few times before and it worked out very well. He suggested Thursday and then said he better check his shedule and let me know. He left his palm pilot in his office.

So I suggested Friday if Thursday didn't work. He said that he's going down to his boat directly from work on Friday because "I missed a good chunk of the day on Saturday and it sucked!" Um, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to screw up your weekend. That's not what I said, but I so wished I had. I was kind of shocked at that moment and couldn't think of a single thing to say. What I did say was "So if you can't make Thursday then I won't see you at all this week?" He said "Not if the wather is nice." He said he'd call me Tuesday. I ended the call shortly after that.

I can't go to the boat again this weekend. My older daughter has SAT's on Saturday and my younger daughter is going to a Bat Mitzvah on Sunday. The following weekend my older daughter is going to the Senior prom, so that's a wash out for me too.

I've been doing a slow burn all night. It's 2:30am ET and I've hardly been able to sleep. I feel like I've become "filler" for him beteween work and his damn boat...whenever he 's able to "squeeze" me in. I feel we should be at a point where we're spending more time together, not less. My life is very busy too and yet I seem to be able to make time for him.

I feel like he doesn't miss me all that much and that hurts. It doesn't seem to bother him all that much when we can't spend time together. Its' just like "Oh well. There's always next week."

A couple of weeks ago, when we were trying to figure out when I'd be able to go to the boat with him and it didn't seem like I'd have many free weekends, he said we can always see each other on Fridays before he leaves and/or Sundays when he gets back. And I'm perfectly OK with that. I knew about his boat up front and it's his "therapy" and I understand that he needs that. He's always said we'd come to some kind of consensus that would work for both of us. What changed?

He's planning a trip to Greece this summer with his daughter (who I still haven't met) and her BF and he hasn't even hinted at me going. Not that I'd be able to, but it would be nice to be asked.

I would love to say that I have a trip planned w/o him, but my finances a zapped. Both my girls will be attending the NSLC in San Diego in July and that ate up all my "vacation" budget.

I'll be honest. Even in light of everything, I really don't want to end it. Up till now it's been a great ride. But recenlty I find my self feeling resentful of that damn boat, hurt with his lack of attention...concern

But I'm beginning to finally realiize that I just don't figure all that prominently in his life. I'm way down on the food chain. HJNITMe (?) and if that's the case, how do you work something like that out? You can't.

I am so upset about this. I had started to foolishly think that we might have a future together.

I guess I just needed to "talk" this out...thanks.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 7:02pm

I agree with SP about giving it more time, if these are really the only issues. He's making adjustments to his "normal" course of behavior...and change is HARD, even when you are willing! I also think it's VERY unrealistic to think that a relationship at our age is NOT going to involve LOTS of discussions and compromises! We are of an age where we are pretty set in our ways, and adding another person to that is HARD. That doesn't mean he's not interested in doing so, he just needs to focus specifically on HOW.

I think a conversation *specifically* about how he would propose compromising on his boat activities so you can get your objective of more time with him and he can get his objective of spending time on the boat is called for.

I also think a *separate* conversation about meeting friends and family, and/or the Greek trip is a good idea. I think lumping everything into one big conversation is too overwhelming and doesn't achieve good results (at least that's been my experience...tackle one issue at a time).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 8:09pm

This is a great paragraph and sums up everything I was thinking:


He's making adjustments to his "normal" course of behavior...and change is HARD, even when you are willing! I also think it's VERY unrealistic to think that a relationship at our age is NOT going to involve LOTS of discussions and compromises! We are of an age where we are pretty set in our ways, and adding another person to that is HARD. That doesn't mean he's not interested in doing so, he just needs to focus specifically on HOW.

The Small Peanut

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 8:19pm

I understand where you are coming from...I think it is also called spring fever. Also, the stage of your relationship is a big factor...that's the time when everbody starts to settle back into the routine and gets comfy. We "women" miss the fuss being made over us.

I have been thinking about the same stuff, but I'm also looking at it more on my side and trying to figure out why I feel that way. My BF has been wonderful. Things have been going great, but when things go great is when I start to feel insecure...thinking this can't last. I have realized that I also start to have those feelings at a certain time ever month (Imagine that!) So I have been paying more attention to my feelings and where they fall in my cycle.

Also, the last couple of months have been extremely busy for both of us. But he still makes every effort to call a couple times a day. When his son was visiting we all took a day off work to go to an amusement park. He did invite me to go to take his son back, but then decided that he wanted to spend the time with him...it was a long drive and he would have a good chunk of time to talk with his son. He sees him about once every six months. The following weekend he came up to help me move some furniture into a condo that I am selling. I was a little peeved that night because I called him at 10 and he didn't return my call. Finally talked to him later and he was out playing cards. We were going to go away this weekend, but it is mother's day and I have my daughter. So he may be going without me. I was bothered by this, but realized that I am bothered by it because I am jealous. I want to take some time without the responsibilities of everyday life. It gets frustrating taking care of everybody else's needs and ignoring what you need.

He has invited you to go to the boat, but you have your stuff that you need to do and don't want to miss. I've decided to do what is important to me, realize why I am feeling this way and if it is meant to be...it will be.

I wish you the best of luck in your decision, fill us in on how everything goes.

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