inconsistency or am I paranoid?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
inconsistency or am I paranoid?
24
Sat, 12-31-2005 - 3:04am

I have been a bit too active starting discussions, but I really think all of your advice is amazing! Anyhow, need your help again. I am currently emailing back and forth with somebody I met on Match.com. I am wondering if this is an inconsistency or is it my paranoia He claimsto have just signed up (volunteered the info himself) and I don't hink this is the case … this seems so minor and insignificant, but if somebody would lie about something that minor, they must be really into some wacko games…it really weirds me out!!!!! Here it goes:

You know how on Match people who sign-up recently (I am one myself, signed-up a month ago), have their “About me” section of their profile as one paragraph – (and there is no way dividing the thing!!! I have tried with mine, several times) and people who have been members for a while have it as two paragraphs (one About me” and one about “What I am looking for”… Now this guy claims that he only signed up several days ago, and yet, he has the two paragraphs; moreover, his hole text in his profile is really structured along these two rubrics (and believe me, guys rarely just come up withy this structure, at least in my opinion; no yahoo member has come up with it on his own, for example, and I have been on Yahoo…)

Now, (whether I am paranoid, or just cautious), I decided to check and see if somebody signs up now, what their profile will look like (so I don’t develop weird suspicions): I signed up as a new member, posted a profile and guess what, it does have only one paragraph… I don’t know what to make of it: why would he claim he just signed up , given that he obviously didn’t. Moreover, he was the one to bring up the whole Match experience and signing up!!! (in his second email to me). What is all that about? I tried to bring up what I perceive as an inconsistency up in a non-confrontational, yet direct manner and here is the response I got; (here I am giving you all the relevant passages from my emails….)

Him:
“How do you like Match? Met any interesting people? I just signed up a few days ago.”

Me:
Afterresponding to his question:“Is that your very first time with Match.com? Interesting, I somehow didn't believe you are a new bee to Match -- your profile shows savviness that comes with experience, I guess!!! :))”

Him:
“I'm not new to online personals. Actually I have tried Matchmaker, and Yahoo Personals and have had terrible results! lol Maybe one day we can exchange notes.”

What do you think? Am I being over-vigilant? Is it some sort of miscommunication? Part of me just wants to delete him, but part of me wants me to learn how to deal with situations like that… Dunno. Any thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sat, 12-31-2005 - 5:02pm

Hal, my point in saying to meet is to say that she will still not know if she asks him in an email if he's lying or not. It's hard to tell if a person is lying via email.


I don't see the point of being coy about the question--that doesn't do anything and is not straightforward. Nor does it prove anything. In my opinion, asking the question in that manner will only prove her assumption, hence a self-fulfilling prophecy.


Cheers!



iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 4:17am

cl-bklynchik,

>I don't see the point of being coy about
>the question--that doesn't do anything and
>is not straightforward.

I don't think it's being coy at all. It's being completely honest. I *can* understand why someone would lie about their age, height, income and marital status. But I can't, no matter how hard I try, think of a reason why anyone would lie about when they signed up to an Online Dating service, especially when they unashamedly admit that they have been using other online dating services and have had TERRIBLE results. In ALL the profiles I have ever read, the women have specified age, height, income, status and interests but I have NEVER heard of any woman specifying that a man “Must NOT be experienced in OLD”.

His e-mails appear very genuine but there is just a slight misunderstanding that is being fuelled by paranoia and speculation. Even feisty has accepted there may be a misunderstanding. She has had her profile up for a month but only SIGNED UP two weeks ago.

As for the question about his profile: We know that he HAS got two paragraphs but what we don’t know is HOW or WHEN he wrote it. She can ask him how he did it and if feisty is unable to do what he claims she can then ask him when he put up his profile. However you think it’s better to ask these questions in person over a cup of coffee. This way she can observe fluctuations of the pupil, involuntary dilation of the iris and other physiological variables such as blood pressure, heart rate, respiration and skin conductivity all while trying to suppress her nerves and appear innocent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 8:47am
I find the fact that you went through all that -- creating a new profile to see if it was one or two paragraphs to basically check up on him -- very disturbing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2005
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 9:20am
Me too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2005
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 10:11am
I would not judge so fast though.
If somebody has been burned by another's dishonesty, they will go to any length to prevent it happening to them again.
especially if it is recent. If you have ever had the misfortune of being involved with a liar, you will understand how chaotic life with them can be and avoid it at all cost.
What you may term disturbing another may term self preservation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2005
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 10:38am
And you would do this regarding someone you have never met? Come on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2005
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 11:31am

I am not going to put score to a persons tale who I have not met unless there is very good reason.
But if that tale will cause me to confer a benefit, or reward in any way, I am more circumspect and this does not apply to romantic liasons only.
There is no cut and dry to this thing. Somebody may take steps at a very early stage, if they know that is what makes them feel less vulnerable. to each his own I suppose.

My inclination is to root out and distance myself from liars at any stage in the proceedings.(I am not at all cynical by nature)
some liers may have no rhyme or reason to a logical mind, but to a pathological liar, there is no logic or good reason required. Especially the ones with oppositional personalities.

My tendency is to have great fortifications but no internal walls.
For me ONE LIE is enough. life is too short for hypertension.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 11:44am
I agree. If someone has a reasonable doubt it must be eliminated. Better to be too careful than not careful enough.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 3:31pm

Well, I didin't do it to check on him (I was convinced that there is no way a person posts a profile and ends up with 2 paragraphs). I actually did it to make sure that Match didn't change it so new memebers can again post the 2 paragraph profiles (in which case I would have been an idiot for suspecting him). Now, I don't think I am less of an idiot: as other members pointed out the person might have posted the profile earlier and subscribed just seversal days ago!!! Thank you , everybody!!! This is helpful: when you look at my title for the Op you will see that I am well aware that I might be too over-vigilant (or plain paranoid), which is why I came to the board: for help and advice on how to deal with *MY FEELINGS* about the situation.(and not necessarily how to deal with a liar -- which this person most probably isn't...)

What is not helpful Seamus, (and the other poster whoshared your thought), is when my behavior just gets labeled "disturbing": I am not seeing any advice here. Sorry, if I am blunt, but I needed to share how I feel about that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2005
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 4:34pm
Just seems a little over the top to go to such lengths to find this trivial stuff out, specifically to catch someone you never met in a lie. What helps and prevents this kind of thing is meeting in real life and going from there. Emailing and IMing are false representations IMO.