Inquiring minds

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Inquiring minds
11
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 11:36am

Recently I was having a conversation with someone whom I had just met. I told him that I spend a great deal of time on the computer. Since I am single he asked me whether I had ever used any dating sites.

I was a little shocked as to the question, but I felt that if I had told him that yes, I had used a dating site there would be about 20 highly curious questions about my Internet dating experiences which I had absolutely no plans to share with this guy. This guy wasn't my friend and we were in a group of people. I stuttered my answer with a "No, I haven't dated anyone but I have posted my profile." That was definitely a lie, what I really wanted to say was, "That is absolutely none of your business" but I didn't want to appear rude.

How could I have handled this better? I'm still furious about the question, this guy needed to know he was stepping over the line.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2006
In reply to: chamey101
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 11:53am

Ick, I hate situations like that. I just had an OLD guy I haven't met or talked to ask me over email about my last relationship and what happened. Hello! I was floored that he would ask such a deeply personal question of a total stranger over email. But, I took a day to think it over and thought, you know, just cuz he asked doesn't mean I have to give him the full scoop so I wrote back and told him the bare details and told him that since we'd never met or talked I was only comfortable giving him the condensed version.

But, that was over email. Much easier to deflect something like that, and ponder how to respond, with email. This guy really put you on the spot, in front of a group no less. I know Miss Manners (or Emily Post??) always says to deflect nosy Qs like that with a "Why would you like to know?" type of response but I am not sure I could pull that off w/o sounding rude. I really think the only options are (1) answer honestly, even though you don't want to, (2) lie or (3) deflect with a return Q. #3 is the best option but it can be hard to think of something appropriate on the spot. I guess another response to this guy would have been a complete deflection "Why, have you used online dating sites?" w/o answering.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: chamey101
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 12:10pm

Was the gathering social or business? To me, that seems like a perfectly appropriate question to ask of someone in a social setting, but not at all appopriate to ask in a business setting so how I responded would depend on which it was.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
In reply to: chamey101
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 12:12pm

I am someone who would not have minded that particular

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Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: chamey101
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 12:40pm

Maybe flip the script and make HIM uncomfortable: "Well THAT's a personal question, why do you ask?"


But to me, it wouldn't bother me at all, I don't see it as overly personal, it's just a topic of conversation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
In reply to: chamey101
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 12:45pm
I'm trying to figure out what the big deal is.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
In reply to: chamey101
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 12:58pm

Uh, wow I didn't see anything wrong w/his question. Why were you shocked? Are you uncomfortable telling people you have participated in OLD?

Gee, my inquiring mind wants to know "what's the big deal?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2005
In reply to: chamey101
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 1:02pm
Maybe it was just his way of finding out what your dating status was? Did he seem interested?
I don't think I'd be offended if someone asked me that if it were in a social situation, as Sheri mentioned. I'd probably have just said "Sure, what about you?" keeping it casual and general.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
In reply to: chamey101
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 1:06pm

The big deal is that although this was not a professional group, it was a group of people who I didn't have any desire to know about my dating life or my personal business. This was with a volunteer organization where I hold a leadership position. The man who asked was not an official member of our group but was someone who helped out just for the day. The minute he asked the question I could see everyone's ears perk up and wait for my answer. We went from a discussion about computers to a discussion of my dating life in about a second. Totally inappropriate. This guy was married with two kids and was clearly fishing for personal information about me.

If it was a group of close friends I would have been happy to share the information. About two years ago at my job a coworker who was a close friend took me aside and asked the same question but he also asked whether it was okay to ask first. He was curious and I didn't mind, but he didn't ask in front of a group of people.

I like the idea about answering the question with the same question for him. I'll just deflect it back next time (with an additional question about his prostate health and the type of birth control his wife uses ;).

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
In reply to: chamey101
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 1:10pm

prostate health!! ROFL!!! You are too funny and thanks for my daily laugh!!

Now that you have explained the scenario further, I totally understand.

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: chamey101
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 2:20pm
Ah yes, definitely inappropriate in that situation. The prostate health comment is awesome LOL!

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