Instant Attraction
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Instant Attraction
| Sat, 03-12-2005 - 3:32pm |
There have been several posts that have gotten me thinking about instant attraction. I also did read the book "Blink" that discusses the merits of snap judgments, which is a really good book, btw.
Now I've been the type to try to give things a chance if I didn't feel attracted on the first meet. Unfortunately, the attraction never increased. So I'm beginning to think that maybe my subconscious does know what works for me and maybe its a more efficient way of dating - letting me know upfront if I should pursue things further.
Has anyone felt that "spark" online (before a first meet) and then have it fizzle upon first meet? Or have you not felt the spart online but did at your first meet?

Here's a story for ya....Back about 6 years ago I did OLD for a couple months.
HI Dari,
I just had my second date last night with New Man. I almost did not go out with him, because his emails are kinda plain, one-liners, did not show much personality or vocabulary! I did not think I would feel a thing....
First date, I thought he was very gentlemanly, had class, chose a wonderful restaurant, and was cute and the 'shy thing' was growing on me, as he began to talk lots more as he realized, as he said, I am "easy to talk to". He even Told me that he does not write well and does not like to do email much, but has to for his biz. He has a Master's degree, so it is not lack of brainage.
We had a kind of an all afternoon-to-evening cool date yesterday, and he really came out of his shell and kinda blew me away; as the time went by, I became Much more attracted! Yay, as this is the First one in 4 months I have even wanted to See again.; much less I Might kiss! We have dates next week on Wednesday and Saturday.
I still hold my feelings/heart/opinions in reserve, it is just what I know works for me, but he is edging in there!
So, give some of your 'verge' ones a chance!
Good luck!
Truly,
Cupcake
Hi Cupcake,
That's awesome!!!!
Wasn't "Blink" a fabulous book? I highly suggest it to anyone with a curious mind- I found it at Costco at their usual big-time savings price.
I've had instant attraction on a physical level with someone before, to the point of getting intimate, but it didn't always pan out emotionally/intellectually/spiritually.
But it is interesting how our mind works. The "thin-slicing" that "Blink" talks about is a heck of a concept.
What I think applies to OLD, and dating in general, is that there's three categories of attraction/response.
You can have that instant attraction. You can have instant repulsion. And you can have the third option (which I think happens most frequently), where you aren't really super-attracted or repulsed by someone.
If you have that middle response, I figure another date or two might be worth it to see what happens.
As far as the spark online, sure, I've felt it, and in my experience it's a load of crap. I just draw too much from actually meeting someone; they can be totally different from their emails or IMs, and in person there's that whole subset of non-verbal communication that changes how we think or respond to someone.
I really don't trust the spark (or lack of it) via the online communications or even over the phone. I think this might lead me to have more dates that most people wouldn't have even gone out on, meaning more bad dates, but I'd rather have that than miss out on someone who doesn't have a spark via OLD but has screaming chemistry in person.
I guess I'd say I've had a few instant attractions thru a picture but it usually doesn't pan out. Looks aren't everything, I need the personality to shine thru.
When my friend Kim went online about two years ago, in the midst of the standard deluge of newbie responses, there was one guy that stood out. She said to me "there is something about him..."
He was the only man of about 200 replies that she contacted; they had their first phone contact the same day as the e-mail, their first date the next day and they have been together ever since -- are currently buying a home together.
There were a few personal red flags for her -- he had two children, she didn't want children, he was going through a bankruptcy, the ex-wife was being hospitalized for bipolar disorder... but there was SOMETHING there. He has turned out to be a decent guy, and they are very happy, but I still remember that "there is something about him" that she knew he was right.
Very interesting...
Tracy
I myself have been trying to figure out this whole "chemistry" thing.
I think I have always ignored my first reaction and tried to push things past the 1st date.. I believe chemistry is the whole package,not just looks. First you have the attraction, then you need to have some kind of connection/bond that is chemistry.
I have 4 dates w/a guy in the middle of dating someone I have a ton of chemistry for.
Well I still don't feel anything. I think he is cute and all but don't feel a spark. I tend to usually give men a chance but for how long and is the other guy getting in the way of feeling a spark?
I am starting to think that it needs to be there by the 3rd or 4th date. He is a great guy and all , and great on paper, but no "spark".. and we could probably talk about alot of things and have a lot in common.
but you know that feeling the spark, connection right?
Rose -
I've come to this understanding just recently...
Last Spring, I TRIED to date the man I met online who was perfect for me on paper. We "clicked", had similar senses of humor, same aspirations, some acquaintances and past experiences in common, enjoyed all of the same things... we could have had a very nice, comfortable, enjoyable life. But something was missing and I didn't think it was fair to continue seeing him -- we went out for about two months. At forty-two, it was a tough decision. I'm not sure how many more opportunities there will be for me, but I still didn't feel I could "settle."
Recently I bought a car from a terrific guy who is 28 years old. I didn't even meet him in person until the deal was finalized (his dealership is two hours away), but he drove the car up to me because he knew he had to meet me. The chemistry between us, the spark, is palpable. We are at entirely different places in our lives, but are drawn to each other -- it's clear to both of us. While we won't pursue this past friendship, we both know that if he were 40 years old, we would become very serious, very quickly.
That said, I think it's either there or it's not. I rolled my eyes when the Bachelorette Jen said almost the same thing -- it seemed trite and silly, especially to me at 42 years old, but when I think of what's there between me and the 28 year old, I know she's right.
And I think you know it within those 3 or 4 dates.
Tracy
>>Has anyone felt that "spark" online (before a first meet) and then have it fizzle upon first meet? Or have you not felt the spart online but did at your first meet?<<
Yes, I did feel some kind of attraction for a lawyer that was very nice to talk to online and through email. I was new to OLD then and didn't realize that so much talking before an actual face to face meet, could lead to unrealistic expectations. He was very intelligent and wordy on paper, but when we met for dinner, I was so shocked - there was no physical attraction on my part and he was not as talented with speaking as he had been with the written word.
I believe the emails that he had sent to me had had many revisions before reaching me. I was very let down and disappointed and wished that we had met for coffee rather than dinner! But I finished the dinner, was a nice person, but gave him no indication that I was interested in meeting again. So for me the previous "online" spark did not just fizzle, but was totally extinguished during the meeting!
By email the next day, he tried to convince me that we were perfect for eachother and that our dinner together had been great. Well, that wasn't how it happened in my book and I had to send him the "I don't feel we are a good match" email and had to block him as he kept trying to convince me.
The guy I am seeing now is very different from the guys I've dated in the past. I was getting tired of dates that weren't working, so decided to give a different type of guy a chance since I felt something had to change in how I was viewing dating. This guy has many positive characteristics and even though physically I was somewhat attracted but not completely attracted to him on our first meeting, as I'm getting to know him more and more, I am attracted to him much more now.
It is the total guy that is growing on me now, not just looks. But there was something different about him that I liked from the beginning, so I continued seeing him and I'm glad that I did. Who knows what will happen; it's been just short of 2 months now.
Although I have had instant attraction with a few guys in the past. But as they talked, I realized that their personalities were not what I was looking for.
Sunshine