An interesting development

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
An interesting development
6
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 2:03pm

So I decided to unveil my profile on match again, but I changed the header and a paragraph. The header now says that I'm not looking for romance, and the paragraph I changed now emphasizes that I am not looking for pen pals. Basically I say that I want male friends to do things with and I left the part of my profile which described the things I like to do.

I expected that I would turn off a lot of guys, but instead I have had a new surge of interest from a few guys who had viewed my profile before but had not responded. I am wondering if they think "no romance" means "friendship with benefits" (they will be surprised) or if they like the lack of pressure. (Some of their profiles talk about romance, but maybe they are doing it because they think it is expected.) In any case, three e-mail/winks within 24 hours is kind of a good record for me. And it's flattering that all three are commenting positively on my picture as well as on the amusing way I express myself in my profile.

I won't get my hopes up, but it was nice to get a positive reaction to a change that I was a little nervous about. (One of the guys is an obvious "no thanks,"but the other two are possibles and I have replied to them.)

:)

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 4:31pm
That's interesting. Or maybe it could just be because it is a "new profile"--a new user name would certainly generate more interesting in the beginning than a profile that has already been up for some time. I personally think it is a bit risky to write that you are looking for pen pals (as it may turn off people who are looking for a relationship), but on the other hand, maybe some men like the challenge? But if you are really looking for a relationship, I would not emphasize that you want pen pals.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sun, 06-11-2006 - 3:25pm

I guess I wasn't clear. I didn't change my user name OR my pictures. The only things I changed were the heading and a paragraph of the content.

And I am most certainly NOT looking for pen pals and I say so explicitly. What I say is that I am not looking for romance. I say that I am looking for friends to do things with (not pen pals) rather than instant romance.

My headline used to be a friendly teaser sort of question. Now it's "Not looking for romance." (Well, in slightly different words.) And then I explain that I just want to date guys with similar interests and so forth.

I thought this would turn off a lot of guys, but I've had a better response than with any of my more inviting headlines. It may be that it was such a surprise-- guys are used to the woman who wants to be wooed. Or it may be, as you say, the challenge.

My main goal is to avoid guys who only want to flirt in e-mail (pen pals) and guys who want a romance to unfold after the first meet-and-greet. We'll see how it goes.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Sun, 06-11-2006 - 5:52pm
Oh, I see--yes, you write you were NOT looking for pen pals, that was my mistake. Actually, "not looking for romance" is quite an interesting concept. I hope your profile explains what that means. But still, I hope you don't mind if I ask--how are friends (who are not romantic) so very different from pen pals (who are probably the same kind of friends who just live further apart)? I think that may confuse some guys, they may also be not sure if you want a relationship or not (I am also not clear, I hope your profile explains that). In any case, that's interesting. What are some of the responses you have received?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sun, 06-11-2006 - 7:34pm

Well, Obviously pen pals can't do things together in person because they are not seeing each other in person. They may be friends (they may even be romantic friends) but they don't have a physical presence in each others' lives.

As for not looking for romance, what I am saying is that I believe romance needs to come out of friendship and that I don't want to rush into any relationship. I'm not saying "I don't want a relationship." I am saying that I am not in a rush for one.

So far the response has been far more positive than to my previous profile and header, which were the conventional, "I am looking for a special person" sort of thing. It may just be that it is something different, but I get the feeling the ones who are responding feel that it takes a burden off the initial contacts to look at it as a developing friendship instead of something which, if it does not turn to romance pretty quickly, will be a waste of time for both of us.

If anyone is confused, I haven't heard of it yet.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 7:55am

I think what you've done with your profile sounds great!

I have made the comment to friends that online dating does put a lot of pressure on meeting in person. I mean, without knowing the other person, there is the underlying tension that he could be the "one".

I, too, would like to have a "pool" of guys to date, but not be sexually involved with. They would have their own strengths, weaknesses and interests. One might be better for attending the symphony and another better for a hike on the trails.

I agree that friendship is the most important basis fora relationship. Afterall, after all the fireworks burn off, it is what is left. Personally, I would rather marry a good, strong friendship who has seen my strengths and weaknesses (rather than just heard about them) than a fireworks, the sex is great, he wines and dines me every weekend kind of guy.

Good luck with your new profile.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 6:56pm

Thanks.

I am not sure if it will work out--but I do feel that it is more honest of me to present myself that way than to have the "looking for someone special" profile. I am someone who doesn't like to rush things. And after my first "meet and greet" it was obvious that the guy was not only very smitten but was already fantasizing about a future together. I suppose you can't stop people from fantasizing, but at least if I make it clear that I am not about to share those fantasies from day one, I can avoid encouraging something that I don't want to encourage.

I would think that guys would want the same thing we're talking about: attractive, opposite-sex friends who are good company. Until we each find "the one," isn't it better to have a few friends to date? And isn't it much nicer to begin romance with a friend instead of getting all romantic with someone you hardly know?

We'll see how it goes, but it feels right to me.

Elsa