Intimidated????

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2003
Intimidated????
25
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 3:48am

I've had many discussions with my friends concerning men and whether or not they are intimidated by independent women. You hear that men look for a woman that is independent, has her own career and life, but is that really the case?

As I continue to struggle to figure out men, I finally decided to buy Dr. Phil's latest book called "Love Smart". He states that men need to feel needed which puts them in a position of control and security. If a man sees that a woman has a solid job, financial security, etc....he wonders what he has to offer that woman. He says that a man needs to feel that he is needed.

I have a good job that I enjoy, great family and friends, and I am financially stable. I've been communicating with a match of mine for a few months now. We've emailed quite a bit, talked on the phone several times, and have gone out with the mention of going out again(his words, but I'm not sure that it will happen). Initially, he seemed to be very interested in me. I was hearing from him every couple of days, but I have gotten the feeling that he's lost interest somewhat. He and I are in very different places in our lives. He is still in college, in his last year of his degree, living in an apartment, making a modest living. I am established in my career, have been out of college for several years, own my own home, and I make a decent living. Is it a possibility that he is intimidated?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
In reply to: freesia3
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 10:34am

Hi freesia and welcome.


It's possible he's intimidated, but it's also possible that he's realized the two of you don't work as a couple. Is there something he said that would make you think he became intimidated?


Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: freesia3
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 11:34am

Personally I think Dr Phil is an ass. Yeah, you know - a donkey. Hee-haw. ;)

More women these days don't want or need a man to be their financial security - in this day and age that's just stupid (except maybe for a SAHM, then it makes sense). A lot of the time (especially with kids) one income just doesn't cut it anymore. And with the economy the way it is, thousands of jobs being cut on a moment's notice, pensions going down the toilet, financial security ain't what it used to be.

We want a partner more for *emotional* security - to feel loved, cherished, appreciated. A man can feel needed when he knows he is filling *that* need. If men want a challenge, they should challenge themselves to listen and empathize, to be a gentleman who really treats his woman right, not just for the first couple weeks or months but for the entire duration of the relationship. He can feel needed just by asking hey honey, how was your day? because sometimes we just need someone to be there to listen. A man can feel needed when he learns how to really make love to a woman for OUR pleasure, not just his own. THAT man is a rare treasure and he knows we know it.

The caveman just hasn't reached that stage of enlightenment yet. He's too busy hunting to feed the little cavelady making his babies.

...Your guy could have lost interest for any reason. Does it matter? If he's intimidated by your success, then he's not a real man yet so good riddance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2003
In reply to: freesia3
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 12:31pm

I certainly don't think Dr. Phil is some God or something. I watch his show from time to time, saw the book, and thought that I'd pick it up. Like any book on relationships, there are things that are true and things that I don't agree with. Several years ago, I had a good friend of mine tell me that men are intimidated by me. While I valued her opinion because she is older and wiser than me, I couldn't quite understand that statement. What, some guy is bothered by the fact that I am intelligent, have a good job, family, and friends, and I own my own home? What??? How could that be possible????

So when I read that section in the book, it made me wonder if maybe she was right to some extent. Yes, I agree that men can feel "needed" by being there emotionally, but I don't think many of them realize it. I think they see it as 'well, she acquired all of that in her life without the help of a man, why does she need me?'

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
In reply to: freesia3
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 12:39pm

Have you thought about quitting your job, maybe moving into your parent's basement?

If this isn't for you, you might want to find a guy that has a good job too, and a house. That way you don't have to worry about intimidation.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: freesia3
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 1:11pm

I am a fan of Dr. Phil, but I may have to stop being one, if he didn't go on to say how with changing times, it's more common for women to "need" men emotionally than financially, so men need to adapt to this. A book that does a great job of covering this topic is "How Can I Get Through To You?" by Terrance Real...he points out that due to socialization patterns, many men do grow up feeling that way, but those men need to adapt because the reality these days is that emotional support is MUCH more important to women than physical or financial support.

I've put the Dr. Phil book on reserve at the library but it will be a few months...what solution does he offer to this issue? I can't imagine he suggests that women should quit their jobs or hide their success or whatever...(please tell me he doesn't say that!).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2003
In reply to: freesia3
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 1:33pm

No, he didn't say anything specific. I guess it is just my general feeling right now about this situation.

When he last called me, he suggested that we go out again. He was very busy with finals at the time so I suggested that he give me a call when things settled down. We both were on long vacations around the holidays so I didn't really expect to hear from him then. After a few weeks passed, I decided to send him an email to say 'hi'. I wasn't sure if he would respond or not. I figured if he didn't, then I was being 'ghosted', and I would have my answer as to whether or not he was still interested in me. Well, he responds a few hours later. In his email, he thanked me for keeping in touch(what is that about?), and ended the email by saying that he would write more later. So right now, I don't know what to think about the whole situation. I don't know if I am being blown off and he responded to my email to be polite. I don't know if he is keeping me on the back burner while he is dating others. I sometimes think that maybe he doesn't believe that I am interested in him, but I certainly wouldn't agree to go out or continue to correspond with him if I wasn't.

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: freesia3
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 1:35pm
Simpler answer - yes, it is true some guys are intimidated by successful women. I say 'guys' because a real MAN isn't intimidated by a woman's success, he admires her and sees her as an equal. The only reason for them to feel threatened, is their own insecurity. Do you want to waste your time on a guy like that?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2003
In reply to: freesia3
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 1:37pm

I was thinking about quitting my job, selling my home, and living out of my car. :)

I've met and dated guys that have had their own homes and a good job, and I think they are still 'put off' by the fact that someone my age is already(and has been)at the point that I am at in my life.

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: freesia3
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 1:42pm

>>I think they are still 'put off' by the fact that someone my age is already(and has been)at the point that I am at in my life.

Just curious if you don't mind my asking, how old are you? If you're in your early/mid 20's I could kind of understand that kind of reaction from a guy of similar age.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
In reply to: freesia3
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 2:37pm

If you are in your 20s like the other poster suggested, yes I can see why young directionless boys would be intimidated.

But as you grow older, those boys turn into men that can appreciate a woman with a job and solid credit. That wide screen TV doesn't buy itself.

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