Intimidated????

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2003
Intimidated????
25
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 3:48am

I've had many discussions with my friends concerning men and whether or not they are intimidated by independent women. You hear that men look for a woman that is independent, has her own career and life, but is that really the case?

As I continue to struggle to figure out men, I finally decided to buy Dr. Phil's latest book called "Love Smart". He states that men need to feel needed which puts them in a position of control and security. If a man sees that a woman has a solid job, financial security, etc....he wonders what he has to offer that woman. He says that a man needs to feel that he is needed.

I have a good job that I enjoy, great family and friends, and I am financially stable. I've been communicating with a match of mine for a few months now. We've emailed quite a bit, talked on the phone several times, and have gone out with the mention of going out again(his words, but I'm not sure that it will happen). Initially, he seemed to be very interested in me. I was hearing from him every couple of days, but I have gotten the feeling that he's lost interest somewhat. He and I are in very different places in our lives. He is still in college, in his last year of his degree, living in an apartment, making a modest living. I am established in my career, have been out of college for several years, own my own home, and I make a decent living. Is it a possibility that he is intimidated?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
In reply to: freesia3
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 10:15am

I have given this a lot of thought over the years. It's one of reasons my marriage broke up -- he didn't feel I NEEDED him so he found somebody who did. Trouble was, she used him. But that's another post.

Unfortunately, it is true that many, many men are intimidated by strong independent women. I think one reason is they have been conditioned to equate femininity with weakness (and the opposite -- that strength, directness or confidence equals masculinity. Ick.) Even more so in my age group (48) because we were on the cusp of feminism. I have found slightly younger men are more open -- I'm not sure if it's because a man who is open to dating an older woman already doesn't have a problem with it, or if it's because he is in that younger, differently-socialized group, but from what you young'uns are saying, it must be the former.

My friends tell me I am intimidating not because of how I act but because of what I bring to the table. I can't change it, and have no wish to -- I like myself the way I am. I have to accept that the subset of men who will be attracted to me is quite small.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
In reply to: freesia3
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 4:08pm

"Having it together" or "being settled in their lives" varies differently from person to person. Also, your finanical worth or materialistics possessions don't dictate that you "have it together" or are "settled"! Having a strong sense of self -- is really having it together.

Anytime there is intimidation; usually that person does not "have it together" -- meaning having a strong sense of SELF!! College boy still has a lot to figure out and doubt if it has anything to do with intimidation. Nothing wrong with having a friendship but it's understandable if he is not ready to seek a committed relationship. He's still finding himself.

Regardless it takes time to build towards a committed relationship so irregardless of owning a home, money in the bank, etc. those things don't make for an instant relationship. You may fare better by dating people in the same place of life as yourself. Enjoy the friendship, give him room to grow, who knows what the future holds!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
In reply to: freesia3
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 8:56pm

I've been thinking and thinking about this since you posted. :-)

I think what it boils down to is that two people can get along, but if they are in very different places in their lives, the relationship can be hard. It's not that men are intimidated exactly, but that their wants and needs are different than a woman who has been to college, has a career, and is financially stable.

I did have a guy tell me once that he didn't feel that I needed him. My reply was that no, I didn't need his money, but I needed his emotional support, his spider killing ability, and him to teach me how to fix my car. I think men just have a hard time seeing support beyond money.

You know, it's that old question of what happens when the woman makes more than the man. :-)







iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
In reply to: freesia3
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 12:10pm

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LOL!! I totally agree. And I would add: his skill with a plunger.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
In reply to: freesia3
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 12:29pm
Without reading all the other posts, let me tell you that while I do like Dr. Phil, I don't always agree with all his advice. I think a woman who is independent should not intimidate a guy who is emotionally stable and looking for a long-term relationship. I think there are few women who actually "need" a man financially. A woman who is looking for a guy to take care of her is not what I believe most men actually want. That isn't the same as saying you don't need someone special in your life or that you don't need the security and intimacy that a long-term relationship can provide. It means you aren't looking for a guy to be the end-all of your happiness. I honestly do not want a guy who is "needy"; thinks he has to have a woman to be happy. You can need to have someone in your life without being needy or relying on a man (or woman) to fulfill all of your happiness in life. A lot of us want someone to complement the life we have now--not become our whole life altogether.

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