Intuition - Knowing he lied

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Intuition - Knowing he lied
37
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 1:34pm

Hi all, I have a question.

I've been chatting on the phone and on MSN instant messenger with a guy who lives about 45 minutes from me since mid February.

Our initial contact was only for work out purposes (we both train, and he's more experienced than I). Nevertheless, after our first phonecall that night back in February, we both said we felt something a bit stronger for eachother and pursued that.

Our phonecalls ranged from 1 hour to 5 hours - every night. We are still pretty close and I even spoke to him last night. However, there is a dilemma I'm having and I'm here to ask for some opinions because, well, it's a dealbreaker for me.

We were supposed to meet on Saturday. He doesn't drive, I do, so I was going to pick him up and we would either go to a pub or to his place (he lives at home) to watch a movie or two. Last Thursday, he told me that he and his family had to go out of town because of a family death. Therefore, our first 'meet' would be cancelled. I wished him well (although we got into a HUGE fight that night afterwards, and not about him having to cancel, but I'll explain that another time).

So, Saturday morning, 4am, he IM's me from what he says is his relatives computer. I had already gone to bed from a night out. Next morning, I catch his IM but he's offline. Now, for those of you who know MSN, we have the option of putting a picture up of ourselves. There was no picture of him, telling me that he was indeed not on his own PC because obviously, the MSN IM program had no wya of pulling a picture file from another computer where no such file existed.

However, Saturday afternoon he IM's me again and I'm actually at my desk. I was surprised, because there was a picture of him FLEXING his big muscles on there. This is odd. There is nobody at his home PC to email this to him, and there is no way he would've emailed that pic to his relative unless he is more strange than I thought. It was a comnplete vanity pic, showing his back, all pumped up like Ahhhhnold, lol.

Something within me is saying "Nuh-uh"...he lied. Perhaps he was broke, which he alluded to earlier in the week. We are supposed to get together this Thursday coming up, at his instistence now (so that makes me feel good). However, something will NOt stop nagging within me. Perhaps it's the fact that he was on a dating site at 3am at his relatives place (where we met), then cruising it off and on all day when he should've been at another relatives place (so he told me they were going visiting). I know we are all different people, but I'd bet my lunch many of us wouldn't be taking over a relative's computer, especially if we haven't seen them in years, only to surf a dating site (likely looking for me as well, since there are forums there I'm always on). I would be embarrassed to do that in my family.

You know when something just doesn't sit right with you, and you know you are not being overly cautious yet you don't want to believe someone might have told a lie? Perhaps it was to save himself embarrassment, because we DO get along, even as friends, but I hate being lied to.

I'm also sure that part of my scepticism is also due to the huge argument we had. But I keep thinking:

- at cousin's house, in another city
- on cousin's computer
- cruising dating site all day when a funeral was supposed to be going on
- crusing dating site when family was supposed to be visiting and they were making their own rounds to various family (his words)
- MSN picture is up, yet he isn't on his pc so where did the file come from.
- he isn't particularly close with his 'cousins' either, or at least not close enough to be sneidng vanity shots like that (hey, nothing wrong with vanity shots, got my own too, but they don't get sent out to my 2nd and 3rd cousins, lol)

What would you think in this situation? I just cannot pinpoint what exactly it is I am uneasy about.

Your advice would be appreciated, but, lol, please be kind. I do like the man, and I suppose all of us are trying to avoid a bad apple (not saying he is one, but who knows).




Edited 4/4/2005 1:39 pm ET ET by dbl007
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 2:52pm

Hiya Stacey,

I'll clear up a few things.

1. In MSN IM...the option to show your personal photo is only present if you have photos on the particular computer you are using at the time. Otherwise, default pics, like landscapes come up. Unless he sent his cousin a pic of himself flexing like he was, he was at home (since he was supposed to be 8 hours away from his own pc). Not saying this is an impossibility, but it piqued my interest.

2. On the site we both go to, there is an option of seeing if your contacts are online. In fact, if they are, they are right in your face on the side of the screen (their picture). The list scrolls as each new person logs in, and a continuous flow of these indicates that the person is constantly online. Seeing that we are so close, we are naturally on eachother's list. ALSO, I have quite a few friends on that site, both from RL and from the site itself (females). They messaged me to ask if he did go away because he was also showing up on their "now online" list, when he was supposed to be at the funeral (I spoke to him a few hours before that on the phone).

3. The huge fight. Yes, it is bothering me. I won't get into that now because I've pretty much worked through it myself, and it alone might likely be the end of it all (other than on a plutonic basis) for me.

4. I find it odd how, while supposedly being wtih his cousin, he was online for the amount of time that he was - and on a dating site no less. If you were at a cousin's house that you haven't seen in years, would you be powering up their pc, ignoring your host for 3-4 hours at a time, all the while relatives are visiting that house due to a death in the family?

Again, #4 is just odd to me. That's a few big oddities.

You're right, something isn't sticking with me. Can't quite put a finger on it....but I'm sure you've also had that sneaky suspicion.




Edited 4/4/2005 2:57 pm ET ET by dbl007
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 3:07pm

Well the reason I felt he lied is the picture thing. He appears online in the IM without the picture showing (hence away from his home pc, unless it is a laptop and he has taken it with him and used it at their house?), then later again with the picture (making me believe he is back at home as I doubt his relatives would have that pic of him downloaded for him to use on their pc!). That really made me wonder.

I have talked on IM from my parent's computer on Yahoo Messenger and since my photo is not downloaded on their pc, my pic would not appear to anyone I was conversing with from there. So instead, could he have possibly went somewhere, used their computer (maybe a buddy) then come home later that day, rather than being at a funeral? Just a thought...

Also getting into arguements before you have even met is questionable and also his not wanting to meet for awhile there when you suggested it, then changing his mind so quickly - could he possibly have a girlfriend already? Just a lot of questions to consider...

Yes I understand about how cruel people can be on these message boards. I'm not one of them. Some people just have a chip on their shoulder about their own issues (which they are usually denying) and take it out an any available person or poster!

You said, "...Nonetheless....how does one confront a liar? Or, would a silent walking away from the situation as a whole be better?..." It really depends on what YOU want to do...Once someone puts doubt into my head, it's hard for me to not always be looking for it to occur again, at least that's what I've found.

You could just ask him and see what he says - I'd do it on the phone though as online he could delay and think about concocting a good response giving an excuse of connection issues or whatever for the delay in his response to your question.

Whenever I have tried to justify my instincts in that they weren't correct, in the end I always wished that I had believed them instead. So now I always listen to them. We usually know things even though our heads may not want to accept it...

Let us know what happens hey? Good luck...

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2005
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 3:07pm

I wouldn't consider anything online a relationship per se, but just another kind of friendship. That's it. How come you put so much stock into someone you've never met?

Just wondering and not being mean.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 3:14pm
I don't think anyone on this board is mean or cruel....and if someone personally attacks another member, it's not allowed.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 3:23pm

Hi Stacey,

I haven't seen personal attacks on this particular board, but I have seen it on OTHER message boards, but usually it is dealt with quickly though. By cruel I meant when someone says something that is directed to deliberately hurt a person's feelings. But everyone on here is pretty nice and so helpful and supportive with eachother, that's why I keep coming back! ;)

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 3:23pm

I, too, would be uneasy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 3:34pm

DBL -- I have found a useful rule is that the most logical explanation is usually the right one. Yeah, sometimes things happen that don't fit the norm, but rarely.

So. I agree with LG that the time elapsed is quite long. The meeting has to take place sooner rather than later; otherwise you just wind up wasting a lot of time. I'm not sure why you've chosen three weeks as a buffer time; it seems kinda long to me. But that's just because I've had the experience of waiting a couple of weeks and thinking a lot about someone only to find out they're totally not what they seem, or we have no chemistry in person.

Second. At a family funeral yet logged on to IM? Nope. HIGHLY unlikely. Either he's not really there, or he's a very inconsiderate guest.

Third. In this day and age, who doesn't drive? Maybe if you live in Manhattan (my brother sold his car when he moved there) but otherwise ... that's a little hinky to me.

Fourth. Fighting before you've even met. Others have addressed this. But I have to add it's awfully convenient that it happened when it did.

Honey, I hate to say this, but ... he's most likely married. His wife works nights.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 3:48pm

Wow....you think like me Sposabella.

However, he isn't married. That I know, since I can call at any time, he has called may times both during the day and night.

He doesn't drive, nor does he have a licence. I asked if it was due to a DUI, but it isn't. Due to the nature of his old career (which is far different than most) he never got one. Wisked away at 16 by the pros, he was on a bus most of the time, travelling from city to city to play sports. Concussions abound, he retired a few years ago but has done nothing with himself since. Still, that is hardly an excuse.

He also lives with his parents. He doesn't have a stable job right now either.

3 strikes.

And to think we were initially only chatting it up based on our common interests of fitness and health.

It could be that he has a girlfriend. I've thought about it as well. Something tells me that isn't so. In fact, if anything, he might just not be fully ready for a relationship due to one that ended less than a year ago that really had an impact on him. Something I've outright told him, and he's outright denied.

I am so thankful that, despite my ramblings, I've posted here. I suppose that I've been so caught up in my own work and school, suffering from all play and no work syndrome, that I could've just dismissed these signs due to loneliness.

Damn. Now what. My decision is made, yet I'm disappointed. This isn't going to go anywhere, but how i wish things were different. Even though it's been an online thing, we've been on the phone and shared quite a bit. I guess it's normal to be sad.

Thank you all so much.




Edited 4/4/2005 3:54 pm ET ET by dbl007
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 3:56pm

>>Damn. Now what. My decision is made, yet I'm disappointed. This isn't going to go anywhere, but how i wish things were different. Even though it's been an online thing, we've been on the phone and shared quite a bit.

<>

Umm - this is why you want to meet quickly....so as not to build up these types of expectations which are quite often not supported by real life.

<>

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 3:59pm

<<>>

I know. I'm a newbie at this. I still like the idea of waiting a few weeks. However, never this long.

Now I've got to break contact. He's a nice person, despite him being so unstable in other areas. I wish him well, I do (no hard feelings) but I've got to cut loose on this one fast.

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