Intuition - Knowing he lied

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Intuition - Knowing he lied
37
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 1:34pm

Hi all, I have a question.

I've been chatting on the phone and on MSN instant messenger with a guy who lives about 45 minutes from me since mid February.

Our initial contact was only for work out purposes (we both train, and he's more experienced than I). Nevertheless, after our first phonecall that night back in February, we both said we felt something a bit stronger for eachother and pursued that.

Our phonecalls ranged from 1 hour to 5 hours - every night. We are still pretty close and I even spoke to him last night. However, there is a dilemma I'm having and I'm here to ask for some opinions because, well, it's a dealbreaker for me.

We were supposed to meet on Saturday. He doesn't drive, I do, so I was going to pick him up and we would either go to a pub or to his place (he lives at home) to watch a movie or two. Last Thursday, he told me that he and his family had to go out of town because of a family death. Therefore, our first 'meet' would be cancelled. I wished him well (although we got into a HUGE fight that night afterwards, and not about him having to cancel, but I'll explain that another time).

So, Saturday morning, 4am, he IM's me from what he says is his relatives computer. I had already gone to bed from a night out. Next morning, I catch his IM but he's offline. Now, for those of you who know MSN, we have the option of putting a picture up of ourselves. There was no picture of him, telling me that he was indeed not on his own PC because obviously, the MSN IM program had no wya of pulling a picture file from another computer where no such file existed.

However, Saturday afternoon he IM's me again and I'm actually at my desk. I was surprised, because there was a picture of him FLEXING his big muscles on there. This is odd. There is nobody at his home PC to email this to him, and there is no way he would've emailed that pic to his relative unless he is more strange than I thought. It was a comnplete vanity pic, showing his back, all pumped up like Ahhhhnold, lol.

Something within me is saying "Nuh-uh"...he lied. Perhaps he was broke, which he alluded to earlier in the week. We are supposed to get together this Thursday coming up, at his instistence now (so that makes me feel good). However, something will NOt stop nagging within me. Perhaps it's the fact that he was on a dating site at 3am at his relatives place (where we met), then cruising it off and on all day when he should've been at another relatives place (so he told me they were going visiting). I know we are all different people, but I'd bet my lunch many of us wouldn't be taking over a relative's computer, especially if we haven't seen them in years, only to surf a dating site (likely looking for me as well, since there are forums there I'm always on). I would be embarrassed to do that in my family.

You know when something just doesn't sit right with you, and you know you are not being overly cautious yet you don't want to believe someone might have told a lie? Perhaps it was to save himself embarrassment, because we DO get along, even as friends, but I hate being lied to.

I'm also sure that part of my scepticism is also due to the huge argument we had. But I keep thinking:

- at cousin's house, in another city
- on cousin's computer
- cruising dating site all day when a funeral was supposed to be going on
- crusing dating site when family was supposed to be visiting and they were making their own rounds to various family (his words)
- MSN picture is up, yet he isn't on his pc so where did the file come from.
- he isn't particularly close with his 'cousins' either, or at least not close enough to be sneidng vanity shots like that (hey, nothing wrong with vanity shots, got my own too, but they don't get sent out to my 2nd and 3rd cousins, lol)

What would you think in this situation? I just cannot pinpoint what exactly it is I am uneasy about.

Your advice would be appreciated, but, lol, please be kind. I do like the man, and I suppose all of us are trying to avoid a bad apple (not saying he is one, but who knows).




Edited 4/4/2005 1:39 pm ET ET by dbl007
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 11:30pm

dbl007,

I'm sorry you have to go through this. But it is experience and nothing is ever a mistake as long as we learn something from it. You'll get through it... we all do and learn from it also. I think you made a good decision. Hang in there...

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 12:34am

Thank you so much for that Sunshine.

I'm really okay, just a little bewildered because I am so new to this whole scene.

Y'know, I was talking with a few of my friends that I've met online (I've met a lot) and they have all agreed that there are a lot of rebounders and those not willing to go beyond the monitor into real life.

I'm not alone. We all become knowledgeable with experience....and I'm chalking this up to that. Got to pass kindergarten before getting to Grade 1!

Hugz,

DB

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 11:13am

I've not been frequenting the board as often as I should, so I just read this post.

Linda
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 12:19pm

Well said, Linda.

And -- I hope you are feeling a little better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 12:36pm

Hi DB,

You are very welcome. You'll get to know how to do things and how NOT to do them also, the more you do OLD. There are many dis-honest people on there that aren't really ready to date and I feel that the internet is a safe environment for them to practice flirting, talking, etc.

Your friends were right about the rebounders being online as many try to just quickly replace the ex with another, rather like putting on a bandaid, when what they really need to do is work on themselves and the pain and issues they are feeling from the breakup and to deal with these things to become healthier, before they proceed on to their next relationship.

But MANY never have ANY intentions of doing a real meet and making it reality. The keyboard is easy and safe to hide behind. There are also those that are married and just want to have some fun. There are many emotionally messed up people online, but that is true in real life also. But there are the genuine ones also that are truly searching for a good person to have a relationship of meaning with... so you can't give up hope. I met a nice guy that I have been seeing exclusively now for 2.5 months and that was after many meets that I knew there was no chemistry or interest. I have no idea if it's going anywhere but I'm having fun with it in the mean time...

When you're talking to someone either through IM, emails, or even on the phone, it's still soemwhat of a fantasy thing, and people can act and make themselves to be what and who they want you to perceive, but that doesn't mean they ARE actually like that person at all.

We have all been there, with being disillusioned and hurt by feeling something for a person we have not met yet, but once it happens to you, you learn from it and grow and don't let it happen again. Well, some it takes more than once to learn from! So don't feel bad or stupid, it happens at least once, if not more, to all of us - as we search for that oh so elusive love.

That is why when LG and the others say to meet as quickly as possible, they really do know what they are talking about. Even in a 3 week time of talking to a person online, the fantasy of a friendship and possibly more can quickly build with falseness and acting, leaving you open to being hurt and disappointed. But reality is not true reality until you meet each other face to face.

I had my experience with a lawyer that had beautiful words through the pc and was very interesting, but after talking about a month, when we finally met, I was so disappointed as he was nothing like he portrayed himself in his IM's and emails. We hadn't talked on the phone, so I had never heard his voice, which was so high pitched and nasal - no I didn't like his voice. I had to endure an entire dinner with him and all he did was talk about himself - not a word directed toward me. Online he had made himself sound thoughtful and kind - but he wasn't in real life (IRL).

My hopes were dashed and the scenario of a possible relationship that I had had building subconsciously in my head, came to a dead stop from the minute we met. But I continued on with the dinner, was nice without being overly nice as I didn't want him to get the wrong impression. Afterward, he had a hard time accepting that I didn't want to see him again and I finally had to block him. But it was a definite learning experience for me and one I haven't repeated.

After that, I kept emails, IM's, and phone calls to a minimum and of short duration, and scheduled the face to face meet ASAP. This I did to protect myself from being hurt again. The people who are interested in actually meeting will want to do the same and not drag things out online. If all you're looking for is an email buddy then that's fine - but I was looking for a real relationship.

It doesn't matter what is said BEFORE the meet, it is only AT the meet that you'll get a sense of if possibilities exist between the two of you.

Online CAN NOT replace real life at all. It's only the vehicle by which we are exposed to a higher volume of people which we would not have otherwise had the opportunity to meet. In order for a true relationship to happen, it has to be taken onto the real life phase, otherwise it is pure fantasy.

DB, I think you will pass through the lower grades of OLD quickly if you hang out here long enough and learn many things! You have now passed Kindergarten so that is an accomplishment! Best of luck to you and hang in there...

Hugs to you also,
Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 12:49pm

I hate to be short since you were so kind to provide all the great background information. However, short is kinda my theme with regard to online dating. Patience is a virtue, especially with someone you might have to fly to see. However, if your have spent all of this time brooding about meeting, and have all of these negative feelings/emotions prior to even meeting someone, I suggest, and this is based on my experience, kindly and finally break off this communication and go seek another one of millions that will provide you with a better chance at success.

Quick recap: Have not met him, and you're already fighting. Walk away, too many more fish in the online dating sea to waste your time with this one.

Helpful?

And honesty, good luck! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 9:13pm

>>when we finally met, I was so disappointed as he was nothing like he portrayed himself in his IM's and emails.<<

Sunshine is right, there's a lot of people who portray themselves one way and then turn out to be another.

Something else that I thought of when I read what she said is this: Sometimes the problem isn't so much how they portray themselves, but the mental image of a person that WE build in our own heads.

That's the problem with emailing/IMing/phone calls for a long time before we meet; what we wind up thinking about a person is a weird combination of how they've made themselves out to be and how we've been thinking about them, and the real-life version might be SO much different that it completely dashes our expectations.

Anyway, the OP- he lied, he's a sleaze, move on. There's enough red flags in your first post to line a stadium.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 9:19pm

I'm not going to say that I'm right, nor am I wrong... But here is my experience. My best friend met a guy online. Due to some circumstances, they did not meet until a year later. They IM'd, emailed and talked on the phone constantly. They knew they had something special and when they finally did meet, they hit it off. He avoided her for a bit too b/c of his own insecurities--wouldn't even send her a pic!

Long story short, 2 years later they're still together... Take it for what it's worth.

Trust your guts but fulfill your curiosity. ;)

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 11:01pm

I think that your best friend's story is more the exception rather than the rule. IMHO, it does seem strange not to meet for a year or longer, yet emailing, IMing, etc. But different things work for different people...

I do agree with what NGOL said. It's not only the way people try to get us to perceive them online, but how we build them in our own heads to what we want them to be before actually meeting them.

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 11:16pm
COMPLETELY agree with you luv... People can show themselves to be different. That's when that gut instinct comes into play. If a person is real, then they're real. Sure, they may have issues, but who doesn't? I believe in giving the person a chance. If it doesn't go from there, then fine. But at least the OP won't sit there and wonder...