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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2005
Is "
30
Sat, 06-04-2005 - 12:51pm

Well, let me start off at the beginning. I met a guy online about 2 months ago. We chatted for a few weeks and eventually I felt comfortable enough for him to have my phone number. He called and we spent another 2-3 weeks on the phone. In that time we shared many personal things about one another, including family, relationship goals, and our outlook on life in general. I then asked him if he wanted to meet in person. He agreed. We met and fortunately we clicked even more in person than on the phone. For once I was not only attracted to someone for their looks but first for their personality. In that week period we went out 3 times. He was calling everyday and although we spent Memorial Day weekend in separate states he still managed to call everyday.(Remember, this was not me always calling!) Well it has been a little over a week since our last date (which was the Thursday before Memorial Day). Since this past Tuesday we have not really spoken on the phone more than twice and chatted online briefly yesterday. I know I may be over reacting but what is going on? I have heard so many different suggestions from friends and family. This is driving me crazy!!! I would really like to ask him if something is wrong but A.) I don't want to scare him away even more, and B.) We haven't been talking on the phone for me to get the chance to ask anything! I don't believe there is another woman. Could it be the when guys start to like a girl they back off excuse?(I definately don't believe in that!) I don't know what to think. Is "this" going anywhere? Should I back off and forget about him? It is just a shame. I finally found someone who I really like. HELP!

Confused,
tuh4




Edited 6/4/2005 12:53 pm ET ET by tuh4
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
In reply to: tuh4
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 12:03am

Hi Tuh4,

When you first start doing OLD, it is so easy to talk and talk before doing a face to face meet with a prospective date, whether through emailing, IMing, or talking on the phone.

As the others have said, too much communcation before the meet can create a false sense of intimacy and also the person may not be representing themselves as they truly are, buthow THEY want you to see them as. It's easy to get a fairy tale of a relationship going in your head and getting your expectations working overtime, just to have them dashed and you feel rejected when you do the meet and the two of you don't click, which happens quite often.

For example, I am meeting a guy tomorrow, Sunday afternoon for a first meet. In the last 5 days, we exchanged a few emails but they were not long and detailed, just a paragraph or two. Then we talked on the phone once, but I kept it rather short - it was about 10 to 15 minutes. He hinted like he'd like to talk again on the phone but I told him I was quite busy this weekend and would see him Sunday afternoon. The reasons for the shortened communications are:

1.) So that we didn't find out so much about eachother beforehand that we wouldn't have much to talk about on our first meet.
2.) So that I don't get my expectations up of feeling that we have a connection before hand, when in reality, *if* there is a connection, it will only be revealed when we have the face to face meeting.
3.) Sharing too much too soon or seeming too interested in them from the beginning can make you appear needy, and that is a turn off to guys. Most people do not want cling ons.

Also, I try to have at least one quick phone conversation, because in the past, I met with this one guy who I hadn't talked to first on the phone, and when I heard his voice at our meet, I just couldn't get past his voice. But then I guess I just wasn't that into him either or maybe I could have overlooked the voice. So that was a learning lesson for me. Each thing that happens I add to my OLD lessons learned and try not to repeat them.

These are things I have learned and I wanted to share. Good luck to you in your searching!

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
In reply to: tuh4
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 2:24am

Y'all,

Man, the people here are SO good, we make Dr Phil look like a Poser!!! I think it is being In the experience and so willing to honestly share that makes this such a heaven/haven for those on OLD..lots of Cool Angels here!

Oh, and to give due credit, it was rosema who coined that line I Love: "don't waste the Pretty"--she is So right, as always!(I Do have a few of my own Cupcakeisms, and one fave in the summer is:Tequila; some brain cells die and the rest go to the funeral! Or: "Men, can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em--prison food is bad"--sorry males,just kidding!)

Don't feel bad about what happened, learn from it and put it in your 'OLD locker' and move on, you might take it out and use it later. Men DO scare themselves and back off, and the timing is right on this. He might roll back up in a week or so..but will YOU still be there waiting...ah, that Is the question? He has taken the chance to lose you, and well he may! His bad! Also, since OLD is like 'shooting fish in a barrel', we have all been in that place where a man catches some new bait, and moves off to fish in another pond..and thinks he can come back to you, later. I rarely let that happen, as we are Not the "Holler Back" kinda girls here! Hmmpgffh! :P

There are good men out there; write, send winks and go on about your Good Life and it will happen for you!

Mucho Luck!

Truly,
Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2005
In reply to: tuh4
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 6:27am

>>So that I don't get my expectations up of feeling that we have a connection before hand, when in reality, *if* there is a connection, it will only be revealed when we have the face to face meeting.<<

You know it has taken me nearly a year and a half of OLD to realize this..... I have definitely been guilty of the chat endlessly on IM before deciding to meet... as a result I have let myself get sucked into situations that were only my fantasy...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2005
In reply to: tuh4
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 7:19am
I hear you about the voice thing....that happened to me, too. I was supposed to meet a man and he called me first. I just couldn't take his voice, very whiney. I couldn't look past him. There was, also, another issue....and together I decided not to meet him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2005
In reply to: tuh4
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 6:26pm
Yes, Yes, Yes! We may have moved too fast in getting to know one another. And hey maybe we should have met sooner. No we did not sleep together. It wasn't something we talked about. I never felt pressured with him. We kissed and that was it! He isn't much of a ladies man if you know what I mean. Or at least that is what he led me to believe. This is one of the things that made us connect. We had alot in common when it came to the dating scence. Picky people! This was both of our first time dating online. It was sort of a coincidence how we met. I guess it is kind of hard to believe anything that he may have told me. However, I did make my final phone call and left him a voicemail. I kept it short and sweet. After that I plan to make no more calls, no IM's, no contact what so ever. It is up to him to step up to the plate now. I did my part.
Thanks again,
tuh4
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
In reply to: tuh4
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 2:33am

Hi GY,

The important thing is that you did finally learn your lesson about in reality, *if* there is a connection with a prospect, it will only be revealed when you have the face to face meeting. Some of us take longer than others to learn our life lessons, but once we learn them we don't repeat them!

Some guys only want to have an IM connection or email connection, and never even plan to get to the face-to-face meet fromthe beginning, so if that is the case - next!!!

Yep it's easy for some of these guys (and I'm sure some girls also) to hide behind a keyboard than to actually live life and meet real life people! I know I've read where LG nexts them if they take too long to meet him also. But it's all a process that takes time and actually experiencing the rough parts of OLD to learn it and live it better.

Fantasy can be fun at times, but real life is so much better!

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
In reply to: tuh4
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 2:38am

Hi Kerstynclare,

I know exactly what you mean and you can't feel bad about it, again this goes under the "personal preferences" category and we can't feel bad about what preferences we like in a person... everyone has them.

The guy I had a first meet with this afternoon talked so softly half the time that I wasn't sure what he was saying. I knew he was rather soft spoken from our short phone conversation, but in real life he was even worse! But there just wasn't the attratcion or chemistry there either for me - oh well it happens.... next!

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2005
In reply to: tuh4
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 6:08pm

Well, I did really well with all of the wonderful advice I received regarding my situation. But then the phone rang! Yep! He called. 10 o'clock last night when I got home from work. I was shocked and confused. I didn't answer the call. I sent it to my voicemail(which is not currently working). I called my mom is desperation and asked what to do. So, I called him back. He said my voicemail did not pick up so he could not leave a message.(which I didn't believe until today when I had to get my phone fixed). I asked "So, what's up?" "Where have you been?" He replied as if nothing was different and told me about his weekend. So, we continued on a normal conversation. Discussed what we did this past weekend and this weeks agenda. I am not making excuses for him but my mom said "guys don't think like us women, sometimes a day or two of not talking isn't a big deal to them." Should I continue to answer his calls? Is this a typical guy thing to do? Should I forget about him? Should I ask any questions? I am not one to play games. It is just hard not to "try" since I really like the guy.
HELP!!!
tuh4

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
In reply to: tuh4
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 6:20pm

well why 'd he call? did he ask you out again?? or was he being polite and just returning your call? go w/your instincts on this one.. how did feel w/ the call and what his current interest level is?? does he plan on seeing you again? if no mention of further dates i would keep going along w/ my life.. if he calls and wants to go out that would be up to you if you wanted to go??

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2005
In reply to: tuh4
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 6:37pm

He first asked me if I was working my normal schedule this week which is until 8pm. We have gone out a couple times during the week when I get off early. Not sure if he was hinting that he wanted to go out or just was curious of my work schedule. I was actually off at 4pm this Friday. But, his sister is coming into town from Europe so he is going to his father's house on Thursday to spend the weekend with her. I had already made some plans for myself to go to the beach.(I'm not waiting around for nobody!) He seemed to be quite interested in my weekend and how work was going. We joked around and did alot of laughing which is normal. That was it! We have not made plans for our next date. Could that be because we are both busy this weekend? I would love to see him rather than talk on the phone. Would it be wrong for me to suggest something for us to do when I get off of work on Wednesday? For now, I am just going to do what I am doing and not worry about things too much. If he wants to go out then fine.

tuh4