an issue of weight

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2005
an issue of weight
39
Mon, 06-15-2009 - 3:56pm

I met this guy online about a month ago.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Mon, 06-15-2009 - 6:40pm

I'd say let him go so he can find someone who doesn't have an issue with him being slightly overweight - especially since you say you're looking for someone active, not necessarily someone who's athletic and toned. Sounds like he's living healthy and active to me if he's working out. If you're really invested in him, have him work out with you, or eat healthy when you're together.

I also don't think he "lied" about his body type. Different people see their bodies in different ways, that's all. I highly doubt he was doing it to be deceptive.

As an example, my now boyfriend listed "athletic and toned" in his profile, but now that I've gotten to know him, I realize he's technically overweight by BMI standards. He's a military officer though, and meets all their physical requirements, so why would I care that he's overweight? People place way too much emphasis on a random number, IMO.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2009
Mon, 06-15-2009 - 10:10pm
I don't understand why you've continued to date him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2009
Mon, 06-15-2009 - 11:04pm
I agree you might want to stop seeing seeing him.
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2008
Tue, 06-16-2009 - 12:58am

I don't have anything approaching a clear idea of what you should do, but a few observations:


Six-one and "close to" 250 (I guess I'll call that 245) is a BMI of 32.3. That's not "slightly" or "technically" overweight. Anything over 25 is considered overweight; over 30 is obese. He's almost 20 pounds past obese.


The lying and the weight are two separate issues. I continue to be surprised by how much lying women consider acceptable. For anyone who ever asks the question, "Why do men lie about obvious things?" the answer is plain: because women let them.


I'll buy the fact that the use of descriptive terms allows a little looseness. I could give him the benefit of the doubt if he wanted to self-describe as having "a few extra pounds." But if someone that size can call himself "athletic and toned," anybody can, which makes the exercise of bothering with the description entirely pointless.


I agree with the other poster that having a BMI a bit over 25, while it might technically make one "overweight," isn't inconsistent with being described as athletic. A guy who's athletic in the muscular/powerful mode, as opposed to the long-distance runner type, would almost always have a BMI over 25 ... but well short of 32.


As for the weight itself, I have two completely conflicting thoughts:


First, the bad one. You don't say how old he is, but I'll assume he's an adult, and most likely past 30. Once people are grown up, they're not likely to change dramatically. That's just as a matter of personality, habits and vices. On top of the psychological issues, there are some physical things that make it very difficult to lose weight permanently. It is quite rare for adults to lose more than 10% of their total weight and keep it off, absent surgery or other dramatic steps. In other words, the probability that he's going to get a lot smaller is not great.


Now for the good one. Well, I suppose it's not so good, except from his standpoint. My observation is that people often use the "I want someone healthy and active" as a smokescreen for what's really motivating them, which is actually, "I want someone who looks good." There are health issues with being that far overweight, but there are tons of other health issues out there that people rarely use as a factor in deciding who's a good "match."

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2005
Tue, 06-16-2009 - 9:03am

Thanks for your response.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2005
Tue, 06-16-2009 - 9:12am

I don't understand why you've continued to date him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2009
Tue, 06-16-2009 - 9:36am

>>I am not willing to give him up for something physical.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Tue, 06-16-2009 - 9:57am

I've just got to say that five dates is not all that much. Personally, I think it's really soon to be discussing exclusivity. Not that I'm saying the two of you should be dating other people necessarily, but I just think it's too soon to be headed down the exclusivity path, especially since there is this weight thing bothering you.

One thing you haven't mentioned is if you feel sexually attracted to him. I would think this would be the real litmus test: do you feel like ripping his clothes off, even with the big belly? And not that I'm advocating having sex this soon, in fact, I think you should wait.

I don't think there is any downside to continue to see each other and just see how it goes. There's no need to make up your mind so quickly, really.

This is funny because I met a guy last week (from online) who described himself as "about average" but he's definitely got a big gut. He's 55, and big guts seem to be pretty common in this age range. I liked him well enough and have agreed to see him again, but like you, the big gut kind of bothers me. Like you, I am slim and I work out: far from perfect, but I care about the way I look and my health (good eating, no smoking, etc.) I do try to give men the benefit of the doubt: I think I have made snap decisions in the past. And there is no magic number of dates to "know" although recent discussions on this board have led me to believe that most people who meet know pretty quickly, without a lot of drama or reservations about the person. But who knows?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2005
Tue, 06-16-2009 - 12:30pm

Thanks so much for your response. The discussion about exclusivity came up unexpectedly. Last weekend he said that he wanted to see me more than just once a week. I said I would be happy to see him more often but that I didn’t want to do that while he was still contemplating seeing other people since his profile was still up. I said " I’m not asking you to remove your profile, that’s a decision that you have to make when you think the time is right" but I explained that I didn’t want to invest any more time or emotions while he was still actively looking. He said that he has not communicated with anyone, and does not plan to, since he met me. He said, "I can take down my profile, that’s no problem." and that was the end of it. Pretty easy.


I find him very attractive and his kisses give me goosebumps. The weight issue bothers me, but not to the point that I want to stop seeing him. He is so funny and silly, yet he is so smart. We both have the same profession although specialize in different areas, but he understands what I do and we both understand why we work long hours. He calls me every night and we check how our day is going every morning. There is no drama here, not wondering if he is interested in me or What is he looking for? Because he has told me and his words have been backed up by his actions. Is he the one? It’ll be a long time before I say that, I came out of a long term relationship and engagement a little over a year ago so I am being extra cautious. About sex, don’t worry I am very slow when it comes to that. He knows it and is ok with that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2008
Tue, 06-16-2009 - 3:03pm

<<>>


One of the other posters said the above...and ITA. Move on and let him find the right woman for him.




Photobucket

Photobucket

Pages